Son not eating lunch at school

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My DS (nearly 12, sorry not quite a teenager but this felt like the correct place to post) has just started secondary.
Yesterday, when taking the kitchen bin out, we saw three days worth of full lunches in the black bin (full sandwich and berries). He has eaten his crisps and, assuming he took one, yoghurt.
He has said that he hasn’t eaten lunch because he wants to play football during lunch. The deception he couldn’t explain.
I plan on contacting the pastoral team tomorrow morning, so they can hopefully keep an eye and maybe remind him, like we have, of the importance of fuelling his body and brain,

Whilst I understand his reasons aren’t eating disordered based I had EDs (without realising) and could have come up with so many reasons for not going to the lunch hall (not packed lunch) and only having an apple), so I do worry.

Any ideas to help support him? Obviously he’s just started secondary school, but also, he is suspected ND (diagnosed with gross developmental delay as a 2yo, but told it’d likely be an autism diagnosis later on. Very high functioning, but I believe it 100%). Not that a diagnosis means anything for my question, more how his brain works.

Why not ask him what he wants for lunch and buy those items in for him to make his own?
In terms of why the "deception" clearly it's because he thinks you will insist he eats the food he doesn't want to (and he's not wrong).

My DS used to take a packet of crisps and a flapjack that he ate at break to leave lunch time free. No way was he eating sandwiches (even less so if his mum had made them). He used to eat a snack when he got home and a huge dinner.

Obviously it's understandable that you want him to eat his lunch...but I think you're over reacting. This is really normal in my experience. My ds usually ate his lunch once he got home...like your ds he'd rather kick a ball around at lunch. Unless there are other issues it wouldn't occur to me to contact the school. Make sure he has a decent breakfast and maybe give him some cereal bars or quick snacks he can eat during the day to keep him going.

Stop making the sandwiches and give him snacks instead that he can graze on.

Sausage rolls
Peanuts (if they are allowed)
Other nuts (again if they are allowed)
Popcorn (make your own in the microwave to keep the cost down)
Spicy chickpeas
Satay chicken
meatballs - from the deli aisle
pies
Baby bell or other packaged cheese
Breadsticks
Maybe a Scotch egg although egg can be a bit smelly
flapjacks

Do not send him with weird stuff meatballs, chickpeas seriously. He just wants to fit in and that is fine, it is all part of teenage development.

Do not make it an issue. It is six hours, it doesn't matter if he doesn't eat.

I don’t think you are over-reacting. I wonder if you’d have a different reaction on her if you had said it was your daughter?

My DD’s school phoned me last year when she was still in the junior school, concerned that she was not eating much of her lunch. She too wanted to get out and play. The queue for the beige food (pasta etc) was often too long for her to get enough break time so the food she ended up with was the exotic street food that she didn’t like as much. I suspect she’s ND too btw.

My friend’s son was diagnosed with anorexia age 12. If your suggestions of eating at break time don’t work, could you stretch to allowing him to buy lunch a few times a week? In the mean time, I would definitely log it.

Mine are at independent schools so perhaps they’re more on the ball with this kind of thing (social pressure AND time for teaching staff) but there is no reason your DC’s needs should not be met when it is something as essential as making sure they’re eating. Even if it’s not an ED, pastoral staff may want to have a wider Year 7 talk reminding them of the consequences of not fueling their brains and bodies or perhaps rethinking the logistics of meal and break times.

My DS same age hardly eats at school as they simply don’t have enough time but it doesn’t worry me as I know that he eats the house out at home.

Yes. The top thing you should do to your yr 7 kid who is not eating a packed lunch because he’s playing football is have the pastoral staff come and tell him to eat.. (which they won’t) he won’t gain any friends if you do this !

Even if it’s not an ED, pastoral staff may want to have a wider Year 7 talk reminding them of the consequences of not fueling their brains and bodies or perhaps rethinking the logistics of meal and break times.

I'm sure such a talk will be very helpful. Not.
And I'm equally sure that the school will not rework its entire timetable.

Or on the other hand OP can think about whether the DC can eat at alternate times (break and after school) or eat different food (stuff that he can grab and graze on around football).

As PP have said, I would bet money on this being an embarrassment issue rather than anything more. The most benign things can suddenly become mortifying during the tween/teen years.

A lunchbox with mum-made sandwich and berries might be the height of humiliation! Ask him honestly if there’s anything else he might be able to take. He might feel bad about telling you this so keep it all lighthearted and please don’t involve the pastoral team!

My 15 year old is similar, eats the bare minimum at school then comes home and makes himself a massive sandwich at half 3!

I wouldn't embarass him by contacting the school, let him make his own lunch and take what he wants.

This is normal. It’s okay as well, he won’t starve to death.

Is he a bit embarrassed to have a packed lunch? In my DDs school taking a packed lunch is seen as a bit tragic - could you give him snacks instead like protein bars, fruit etc then a big snack when he gets home. Does the school do food at break time? My DD tends to prefer something from the canteen then and not much for lunch.

How about a bigger cooked breakfast and a substantial snack for break time? Does he get home at a reasonable time? If so leave a sandwich for him then and do dinner a tad later

this is so common

The break at secondary is not long enough!!

My son is a big eater - but doesn't eat at school usually - he needs to play football/ get fresh air and there genuinely isn't time!

they get 35 mins between lessons - and that includes getting outside and then getting into the next class.

I think honestly it is so so wrong and no wonder children are struggling to focus/ behave and eating crap - and we have a MH crisis

Mumsnet should lead a campaign to increase the lunch break - it used to be 90 minutes ! Children should have time to eat and get a proper break.

I give my daughter who is autistic and not keen on eating in groups a cooked breakfast -eggs, pancakes , bacon and beans etc - then I just think she will be fine til 3pm

6 hours without food is not the end of the world. My DD’s lunchbox often came home largely untouched as she was too busy/couldn’t be bothered to eat/wasn’t interested in what i’d packed - the world did not end and she did not have an ED. Snacky bits to eat on the go are far easier for this age group.

Op this is very common with teen boys , mine prioritise football and socialising over lunch . Give him things that are really quick to eat and calorific , forget fiddly squashy berries for example . I make flapjacks and give them wraps and crisps - often they eat the snacks and have the wrap at home at 4 if it’s been overlooked . Most importantly make sure he doesn’t feel he has to hide his food - he will fill up later - I know mine do .,

My son didn't eat much at lunchtime at the start of secondary. He was a bit overwhelmed I think and doesn't feel hungry when stressed. As the year went on, he started eating more. He eats loads at home so I was never really that bothered!

It never occurred to me to ask the school to intervene - this would be very embarrassing for your son!

You can ask but I doubt they will do anything. It my kids high school there wasn't even enough time for everybody to buy a dinner let alone eat it. People complained but nothing was done. I doubt very much they will watch him eat a sandwich

Another one here whose year 8 son doesn't eat at lunch often because he doesn't want to miss his football time. The queues are too long he says, and he's usually home by 330 so he eats a snack then and a proper dinner. He seems ok... this thread is reassuring though!

Depends on the school I just asked my DS if packed lunch was embarrassing as he has a packed lunch and he had no idea what I was on about and said some people just say anything 😂

Yeah I asked mine if packed lunches were embarrassing and she looked at me like I was insane! ‘Why on earth would a sandwich be embarrassing?’

Mine regularly miss lunch if they re playing football at lunchtime. Annoying but they don’t seem bothered at all. It’s a common occurrence and school won’t do anything sorry!