Teen son refusing to go to the dentist, what do I do?

[Pleasebehave92738]

My kids are registered at a dentist , are called for checkups every 6 months and we have always attended their whole lives.

My son has beautiful white teeth, not a mark on them but for some reason they are very weak. He is 15 years old.
When he was little he couldn't have dairy for 4 years so im not sure if this has anything to do with it.
He has already had multiple fillings and a tooth crack in half. These were only picked up on x rays , the dentist says they look hollow inside but perfect on outside. They are very negative with him when we go and he doesn't like how they speak to him.

Last visit she said he needed 4 fillings , all very deep and he will need sedation. If that doesn't work, root canals and maybe the teeth out at some point. They have referred him. These teeth look perfect on the outside

He is absolutely refusing to go saying that he is sick of having things done every 6 months and when he gets pain he will have the treatment but they are not bothering him currently.
What do I do? On top of that hes now said hes not going to any more check ups. And from when hes 18 he won't be going at all unless a problem.
He is bigger than me , I cant physically drag him in there and force his mouth open. But have a duty of care as his parent. Any advice please?

Clearly he’s never had toothache - he wouldn’t be refusing to go if he had. You say the dentist is “very negative” with him - perhaps you need a quiet word with her, to explain what a problem it is to get DS to the dentist. Would it make any difference if you or his father went with him, or would that make it worse? Is there something your DS wants? I used to find that bribery often worked! Good luck, OP - nothing quite so stubborn as a recalcitrant teen.

Someone needs to have a word with the dentist! Could be see a different one? If he refuses to go he will be removed from their lists and will have a real issue when the pain does start.

Toothache is the absolute pits. Also can I presume it's an NHS dentist? Therefore as he's a child the treatment is free? He may well have to pay once he's an adult depending on his circumstances and that's no joke. Could you bribe him? Not ideal but I once got my ds an x box voucher in return for going to a sixth form open day😂

You could get a recommendation for a better dentist maybe? Someone always knows that special one that no one is afraid to go to! I'd empathise with him as that sounds like a tough station through no fault of his own and plenty of adults hate and avoid going to the dentist and it can feel a bit shaming when comments are made insensitively.

I would definitely look for a different dentist. I had this as a child and as an adult I didn’t go for well over a decade due to a dreadful phobia, linked to both shaming and painful treatment (some of which I’ve since found out was unnecessary). Could you look for someone who specialises in nervous patients for a second opinion?

The problem is not being dairy free for a few years but what he is eating and drinking inbetween meals . Teenagers often make poor choices eg energy drinks, coffee drinks, protein shakes , grazing and snacking and this ruins teeth.

Sedation is excellent he will not remember what has happened and will be relaxed during treatment . However there are long waiting lists in most areas and no provision even with toothache to shorten that wait. So if he waits until he has toothache he will either have to wait until he is as the top of the list or have treatment without .

So talk to him about the advantages of sedation vs waiting until toothache and taking whatever treatment can be arranged.

Also talk about if he doesn’t want to see the dentist so often he needs to make responsible choices about what he eats and drinks inbetween meals .

Teenagers often make very poor health choices and fail to see consequences so you have a hard road ahead. But try to get him on sedation waiting list and keep appointments and , most importantly , try to discuss with him that’s it’s his food and drinking choices that have got him in this position and he can change this.

Would it help to explain matter of factly, that if he waits until there is pain the problem is that the repair will at that point be much more complicated and probably painful in itself? And that the tooth might not be able to be saved at that point. Better to have a minor preventative treatment than wait until there is an actual problem.

Bribery is actually a good idea too - teens are so stubborn and vv short term thinkers. He will surely regret it later on in terms of having to pay for treatment, if you can't persuade him to go now, but that is unlikely to register. You can always ask for a return on this "loan" when he is 35 and sees the sense in free dentistry!

It is a shame he doesn't get on with the dentist. Could this bravado be hiding fear perhaps? I struggle with the dentist and avoided it for several years for various periods of my adult life. Once I found one who is actually patient and kind and not so judgemental as they often are I felt much better and I don't mind going for check ups with her at all, I don't dread them any more, and I don't lie when I do go. I'm honest about if I've not been brushing properly and why, and she usually offers helpful suggestions. I also find that if she suggests any course of treatment, I'm able to ask questions about it and understand why she is suggesting this, what is likely to happen if I stick with it vs if I put it off, what the outcomes are of different options etc.

I realise it is not easy to change dentists if you have an NHS spot so it might not be so simple, but if you are private payers it might be worth looking around for a different practice. I do think the combo of "tough love approach" a lot of dentists seem to follow, plus the vulnerability of being immobile in a chair and having people do scary, uncomfortable, incomprehensible things to a sensitive area of your body while you're awake is a really difficult combination for lots of people. It makes a huge difference IME to have some communication and kindness. A 15yo boy might not want to outright admit that he finds the whole thing scary.

The ops son is on a waiting list for sedation , so any treatment would be at the referral centre .

Community dentists are excellent with very nervous patients , this is what they specialise in.

However waiting lists are long and if OPs son doesn’t want to not keep the assesment appointment they will go back to the bottom of the list .

Toothache or pain will not move them further up the list or make the wait shorter as many on the list will be in pain , have abcesses etc which is why the advantages of having sedation need to be emphasised to him because nothing is worse than being a very nervous patient in pain needing emergency treatment which may not be easy , fast or the ideal way to access treatment.

I'm not surprised he's refusing. I changed dentists surgery in the end because the one I had was SO negative and the hygienist was so rude to me. I'm an educated adult who has looked after my teeth incredibly well. I had fixed braces for 2 years as an 11 year old back in the 70s and I've had nothing but trouble with my teeth. Constant fillings, constant gum disease, root canals, teeth out, etc.

I had one decent dentist who explained to me that it wasn't my fault, that teeth are basically what they are, and that despite me doing everything possible that mine were weak and I produced a lot of plaque and was prone to gum disease. My youngest DC is the same. The others have all reached the age of 30 something without requiring a single filling.

None of us do anything 'better' than the others - and it's depressing to be spoken to like you are grubby, unhygienic and failing to do a good enough job when it's not your bloody fault! I have always brushed my teeth twice a day, flossed, used mouthwash and I use a water flosser thing. I still have soft teeth.

One of my sons refused to go to the dentist once he was a teenager, he also didn’t brush his teeth regularly no matter what we said or did. He is autistic and it was a sensory thing to some extent.

Last year now in his late 20’s he had trouble with an infected wisdom tooth, it has now cost him in excess of £2,000 to have all the treatment he needed after neglecting his teeth. Would that make your son think again? Having to spend that much of his own money as an adult is not insignificant ☹️

I would also say try another dentist, for bedside manner and a second opinion, if his teeth look really good can they really need so many fillings?

The ops son has already been referred to community service for sedation. They will review his x rays anyway.

However it is very common in youngsters who use fluoride toothpaste but have a very high sugar diet (particularly drinks) to have something called occult caries ie teeth look ok on the outside (until they break apart) but on x rays you can see massive decay , very often reaching the nerve inside the tooth.

Read first paragraph here https://drfield.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/YDMAR-Field-Hereausv4-2.pdf

That's what it is, damage on the inside.
We eat healthy at home but he is out with friends every day so will get bottles of pop from the shop.
He is very hard to talk to and cannot seem to look to the future. I've explained it is preventative but he says hes had enough.
This is his second dentist as we left his previous for the same reason, and we were wondering if they were an over eager dentist.
Will we get in trouble for not taking him if he flatly refuses?

He sounds very immature, to be honest. If he waits till his teeth hurt the treatment will be a whole lot worse.

You won’t get into trouble. He will though, down the line. Likely to cost him thousands.

one of my daughters was like this, she point blank refused to go, shouting, screaming and huffing just like Kevin the Teenager. She ended up in a fair amount of trouble with her mouth. (As I had told her countless times she would of course) She had a friend who was a dental nurse and ended up going to see the (expensive private) dentist she worked for on a day her friend was working and with me there as well for support. Well it wasn't good of course. 8 fillings of varying sizes needed, all 4 wisdom teeth needed to come out which he did an NHS referral for. She also needed her tonsils removing which also was done on NHS. They were constantly infected, the surgeon afterwards said they were badly abscessed which helped explain her shockingly bad breath. It cost a lot of money of course (grandad was fortunately able to help her out financially as we weren't able to) but finding a kind and gentle dentist who her best friend happened to work for so could absolutely reassure her he really would be kind restored her faith/confidence in them and she's a regular and committed client at that surgery now and puts money away each month for her dental bills. He did the fillings over several visits, starting with the most urgent ones, the cost was therefore spread out rather than one lump. I think it was £1100 to get her teeth back on track. I'm very relieved TBH as she inherited her father's not very good teeth, he neglected his, extractions started in his 40's and he ended up with full dentures sometime in his fifties.

she's actually just started Invisalign to get them all straight and nice for her wedding, her idea and she's paying.

If you had ignored his dental health then yes , you would be in trouble. However a teenager can make health decisions for themselves even if they are bad ones .

You have taken him, up until now and you cannot , legally , force him to have treatment.

All you can do is keep the discussion open about sedation and his poor dietary choices causing the dental problems.

There is absolutely no advantage to a NHS dentist being over eager to fill teeth , in fact they will lose money treatment , particularly on a youngster who needs persuading to have treatment.

The fact that teeth have cracked shows there is decay going on , and the reason dentists take x rays is because often you do not see decay on the outside of the tooth until the tooth is really badly damaged .

He has the tools in his hands to make things better eg having treatment and making much better dietary choices . I’m afraid you have to be consistent with him , it’s his choices that are making his teeth bad , leaving them will cause massive problems , sedation will make his treatment much easier .

If he doesn’t attend regularly check ups there is a good chance he will lose his place at the dentist. This happened to my nephew who was a dentist refuser. Then two years down the line there was a huge panic when he developed an abscess and had no dentist.

Exactly and when you are nervous ringing up 111 to get into an unknown dentist with limited time and treatment options , for which you may have a wait , is absolutely not ideal .

Much better to have the planned treatment , with sedation, that he has been referred for.

There are massive waiting lists for sedation in most areas and toothache or infection will not move you up the list.

This would never happen as a teenager is deemed competent to refuse treatment , even if that decision is a very poor one.

Any adult dragging them to a dentist , and the dentist treating them, would be liable for assault.

point out that no 15/16 year old female likes a guy with missing teeth, sure that will get him along.

He keeps saying he would rather have fake teeth or implants! Dont know how hes paying for that

Implants £2500 per tooth plus 12 months of intensive treatment followed by regular hygiene and maintainance afterwards .

Fake teeth ie dentures , move , are uncomfortable, no dentist would take all the teeth out on a teenager to put dentures in .

Is your son having other difficulties ie at school or socially or behaviour wise or is it just dental care, diet etc he has problems with?

He's just your typical 15 year old lad really, getting an attitude and thinks he knows everytbing

No. You take no notice and tell him it needs to be done, end of.