DD distressed and wants to change Uni plans

[Rina1971]

Bit of a long story. DD 19 took a year out having deferred her placement at an RG university. She didn't really engage in the process just chose an RG because she doesn't want to be seen as not clever. I suggested a Uni with good reputation close to home halls year 1 and then back home. A realistic plan for our budget that was dismissed as being for losers. Halls now booked for RG ridiculous lottery for a very small room on our budget.She booked the last possible move in slot then sunk into despair. Now talking about local uni. Feel so torn about what to say, her choice. The RG will be a big step and the sport is excellent but her level of distress is all consuming. If she stays near home will it be turned around as me having made her do it ??? Don't know how to support her best .

She's 19 and presumably has been relatively independent for the last year. Leave her to it.

Try and have more of a chat, do you think it's just nerves and the RG is what she really wants/would be happy eventually when settled vs actually made wrong choice?
Need to explore her feelings a bit more.

Does she really wasn't to go at all or just doing it because that's what people do, etc?
Schools sometimes will help advise even though she's been out for a year.

I think what I'd do is look into (with her) the options if she gets to the uni and decides she doesn't like it. Can she transfer home?

I'd also encourage her to try and articulate what it is that's making her 'despair' so I can work out whether she's just anxious about a big move or genuinely has chosen the wrong place.

Most of all I'd try and get her to relax about it all. At 19 it's ok to feel uncertain. To try things and decide they're not for you and try something else. She isn't joining some military outfit where she won't be allowed out for X number of years. Ultimately if she tries this place and it's not for her she can leave.

Whats your options for getting a refund on the RG accommodation?
It sounds like she isn’t ready for university, can you have a proper sit down with her and see if she actually has anything she is positive about. Deferring for a year and doing volunteering or temporary work might be an alternative option.

We paid for a en-suite halls room and honestly the shared bathroom rooms were better.

If I had the time again I would have paid for cheaper rooms for my DC.

You have made her doubt herself I would put all my effort into helping her attend the first year at the RG Uni she can always change after (unless it’s medicine or something like that).

You know your daughter better than us so it's hard to say. It is very normal to be scared and nervous at this point when it's become a reality. However is it more? If you genuinely think she won't cope at the RG place then talk to your local one. If you think she will be ok once she is there you may just have to live with a rough ride first a few weeks.

My teen is autistic and makes choices she later regrets and then blames me. Sometimes I just take the blame as I know she's hurting sometimes I don't if I feel she will learn from accepting her own responsibility.

What I'm saying is teens are hard. RG universities are no better than others they just have better PR.

My 19 year old has been working for a year and now starting uni but she still needs alot of support from me. You don't stop being a parent when they tyrn 18.

What is making her distressed exactly? I would work on that.

Sorry should have read OP properly I see she has already deferred.

I agree. It's an odd thing to advise anyway. If a friend of mine was 'in despair ' about a decision they'd made I wouldn't shrug my shoulders and remind them that they're 'independent' I'd try and advise or help them if I could! I'm not sure why you'd turn your back on your own child in the same circumstances.

She sounds incredibly immature. 'it's for losers', 'I wanna sou d clever' 'not engaging with the process', 'I forced her into nit'. Is she 19 or 12?

My daughter was very anxious about going off to university after a year out. Lots of tears, putting off booking accommodation so ended up in the one she didn't want etc. She was a real homebody, very anxious about lots of things and we weren't sure she'd manage more than an hour away from home. We kept encouraging her to just try it and she could change her mind if it wasn't for her.

Well, she absolutely loved it. Obviously a bit of homesickness to start with and a bit of a traumatic incident in her first term. But she was completely independent and coped with everything. It was the making of her. Wishing the same for your daughter.

Well yeah? She's 19. Plenty of 19 year olds aren't mature yet. I'm not sure how stating the obvious helps the op?

My son was nervous about leaving home to go to uni, didn’t feel ready to be out in the world, but a year later he has really blossomed. It’s done him the world of good to not be at home, has made lots of friends and found himself a lovely gf into the bargain.

She hasn’t even given it a go yet, as soon as she’s made her first friend she’ll be fine, and everyone wants to make friends when they get there so the opportunities are there for the taking.

Leaving home for Uni is a big deal for many kids. I suspect it's just a wobble. Talk through what she's worried about and reassure her that many people are also second guessing their choices right now.
Best thing would be to go and try it. Give it until Christmas at least to feel comfortable.
If at the end of the first year it's not the right place, she can go to another University. It's possible to change.

We did leave her to it all was going well until she sobbed her heart out yesterday

I know all of that but if she wanted my opinion it would be stuff the RG and go for the more nurturing option near home. Get decision though but also her consequences

Same question to any teen. Brains not developed yet. Sometimes 19, sometimes 25 often10

Personally I would try and gee her up a bit. She IS clever, she’s gotten into a good school and it’s a great opportunity. She should give it a go.

And also tell her that if she finds it’s not for her, she can look into transfers elsewhere. Lots of people change their mind about their courses and direction in life. But she’ll always wonder if she doesn’t have a go now.

If she unravels and then says she wishes she was planning to study something else entirely then you have a different challenge this late in the day.

Get her some coaching. You’ve done your best. She now needs someone who can tease out the issues and what her passions are to see what she really wants to do.

Why is she so upset about going the RG university? Definitely worth digging into that. My undergraduate was at a really small university, definitely not RG and I didn't have the grades anyway for so called top universities. I did go on to do MA and PhD at a good RG university and now have a well paid job. Wherever she goes, it will work out for her.
You said in your original post - "If she stays near home will it be turned around as me having made her do it ???" Who would say this, and why should you care what other people think or say?

Can you go with her to visit this week and support her to make a decision? I would be open and say it’s your love and your decision and I will support you with whatever you decide, but I can’t decide for you.

And you sound deeply unpleasant

YOU sound deeply unpleasant, which was why I replied as I did. Horrible reply to OP about her daughter. She got into a RG university, do you even know what that means?? You don’t know her to make those disparaging comments, so take a look in the mirror love.