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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD distressed and wants to change Uni plans

44 replies

Rina1971 · 03/09/2025 08:04

Bit of a long story. DD 19 took a year out having deferred her placement at an RG university. She didn't really engage in the process just chose an RG because she doesn't want to be seen as not clever. I suggested a Uni with good reputation close to home halls year 1 and then back home. A realistic plan for our budget that was dismissed as being for losers. Halls now booked for RG ridiculous lottery for a very small room on our budget.She booked the last possible move in slot then sunk into despair. Now talking about local uni. Feel so torn about what to say, her choice. The RG will be a big step and the sport is excellent but her level of distress is all consuming. If she stays near home will it be turned around as me having made her do it ??? Don't know how to support her best .

OP posts:

mismomary · 03/09/2025 22:32

I'd encourage her to try and step back from her emotions for ten minutes and do a practical list of pros and cons. Get those thoughts on paper. It may then become clear to her why she feels the way she does.

HollyIvy89 · 03/09/2025 22:34

I think ask her to present you with her alternative options so that you can then help her come up with pro and cons of all on the table and what living/ studying at each may be like.

I hated university. Cried for a full year. I was a home body. I wasn’t even far away. When I commuted the last few years I was ok. I was very mature but just the living in halls wasn’t for me and I missed my family. Everyone is different. I also was the only person I knew who didn’t go to uni with a good friend. Maybe that may have aided me.

it’s hard. 17/18/19 moving away is hard. So young still and still need guidance.

Anyahyacinth · 03/09/2025 22:37

I'd encourage her to go, I'd fear it could be a life long 'what if' otherwise. It's a scary leap but also a wonderful adventure being away from home, learning and making friends. There are chaplaincy at most uni who will perhaps offer support in the early weeks. Going for a visit, perhaps seeking out support all sound like good ideas

CautiousLurker01 · 03/09/2025 22:57

Rina1971 · 03/09/2025 17:01

I know all of that but if she wanted my opinion it would be stuff the RG and go for the more nurturing option near home. Get decision though but also her consequences

If she was really distressed, I’d contact the local uni and try to ascertain whether transferring is even possible at the moment, as it may not have places, anyway. Then all the toing and froing is a waste of time because the question will be a simpler - go to the RG uni, or don’t. If this is the case, it might help her decide.

MotherofPufflings · 03/09/2025 23:00

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 03/09/2025 22:19

YOU sound deeply unpleasant, which was why I replied as I did. Horrible reply to OP about her daughter. She got into a RG university, do you even know what that means?? You don’t know her to make those disparaging comments, so take a look in the mirror love.

Edited

Show quote history

What the hell are you talking about? You know I'm not the poster you were taking the piss out of right?

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 04/09/2025 07:22

I’m sorry. It was mix up but you must have replied to my reply to tell me I’m deeply unpleasant! I think the other person talking about her daughter like that was deeply unpleasant so I stand by that!

Plethorapeach · 04/09/2025 07:34

mismomary · 03/09/2025 22:32

I agree with this.

Also with our DD who even a little bit older can get completely overwhelmed by adulting from time to time I’ll say. “I can see you are struggling and upset. I know you are well able to handle this but I want to support you and not get into a conversation that you find unsupportive. So what sort of support would you like from me now? To vent? Advice? Practical support.” Just let me know.

I find it stops her from trying to take her emotions out on me which even as a person older than your daughter she can still once in a while have the childish tendency to do. If she does try, I will remind her that I am here to support her and I want to support her but as an adult she cannot do that. It always seems to work.

wildfellhall · 04/09/2025 07:39

I empathize with you OP.

DS initially chose a good university which also happened to be very far away and he was in a very unfriendly flat of 8 students and left after a week. He had a tough year at home doing various jobs and then started at a closer uni the following Sept and was in that Covid blighted year.
I actually thought the uni did very little to manage that disaster but that’s a whole other beef!

He eventually did four years and now has a good job. But he really didn’t have the uni experience you wish for your dc until his final year. But on the other hand it was a rigorous experience which has made him maybe more able to deal with working in a challenging career.

There is no way of knowing what the perfect choice is your dd - that’s what’s so tough for both of you. She has to make a choice and commit to it. That, in itself, is a huge learning experience. There are probably pros and cons to either choice. But my ds was not ready to go and when he was - he went! He is now living at home and working so we are in that new world.

Cucy · 04/09/2025 07:42

If she was looking forward to it before, then it’s probably just anxiety kicking in.

Tell her it’s too late to change now (as it probably is or it’ll cause more stress), so carry on as planned and do a term and then she can consider transferring if she doesn’t enjoy it.

Needanadultgapyear · 04/09/2025 07:50

Can she articulate what is upsetting her? DD got into her dream choice, got really exactly what she wanted accommodation wise in her budget, but was still a sobbing mess.
The change and the uncertainty was what was worrying her - it was dream choice on paper at that point as she was a Covid cohort so no opportunity for open days. She needed me to listen and understand that it was scary, exciting and unsettling.

ThePure · 04/09/2025 08:05

I think you need to support her in the choice she has made. I don’t think it would be a kindness to her to express doubt yourself at this late stage. I think she needs you to be positive. She is well aware that really you did not agree with her decision and that will be part of what’s running through her mind in this last minute wobble. The only sensible choice at this stage is to go through with it and she needs you to support her and not express any doubt right now.

BunnyRuddington · 04/09/2025 08:08

Chrysanthemum5 · 03/09/2025 08:24

You know your daughter better than us so it's hard to say. It is very normal to be scared and nervous at this point when it's become a reality. However is it more? If you genuinely think she won't cope at the RG place then talk to your local one. If you think she will be ok once she is there you may just have to live with a rough ride first a few weeks.

My teen is autistic and makes choices she later regrets and then blames me. Sometimes I just take the blame as I know she's hurting sometimes I don't if I feel she will learn from accepting her own responsibility.

What I'm saying is teens are hard. RG universities are no better than others they just have better PR.

I have a DC with a diagnosis of AuDHD and making decisions without talking to us it involving us, often based on very little information, then blaming us when it goes wrong is all too common. They’re just about to start a college course which seems entirely inappropriate and doomed to fail but I just have to let them find out the hard way unfortunately.

ThePure · 04/09/2025 08:11

I do sympathise. Mine is 18 and also struggling with various life choices. It’s bloody difficult to walk the line between letting them make their own choices (even ones you disagree with) and being appropriately supportive whilst still having some skin in the game re: money or use of one’s house so that a wholly independent decision might not always be realistic

LIZS · 04/09/2025 08:22

Encourage her to go and try RG. There is no guarantee local will have space now anyway. How is her despair manifesting itself? Focus on practicalities, get her in contact with others in halls via sm, plan freshers week events, go shopping for a few bits for her room. There will be a wellbeing officer at SU and activities to support those struggling to settle,

dizzydizzydizzy · 04/09/2025 08:41

DC2 got onto their dream course - veterinary medicine. But it was far from home and 6 years (they had to do a foundation year due to 'only' getting 3Bs).

End of August they came to me, incredibly distressed saying they didn't want to be at uni that long and wished they had taken up their insurance offer that was for another subject and only an hour from home.

The following morning, I phoned the distant uni that DC2 was enrolled into and asked if they could pull out and swap to a different uni. - the answer was yes. I then phoned the uni that DC2 wanted to go to and asked if they had placed and would consider taking DC2 - the answer was yes again. I then asked if they had places in hall - also yes. That was 2 years ago and DC2 has been doing very well. Although DC2 did find it very difficult to settle in. In the first term, DC2 spent a lot of time crying down the phone to me.

A postscript: After a few weeks of this distress, I started to think that DC2 had ADHD. They had been incredibly anxious all through secondary school. I organised a diagnosis, which happened quite quickly and then it turned out that DC2 is autistic as well. No wonder they were struggling!

Doone22 · 05/09/2025 08:41

Not really enough info here. What subjects, what is she stressing about exactly? What does she actually want to do?

museumum · 05/09/2025 11:08

Do you think @Rina1971 she's picking up on the fact you don't think the RG is the right decision? It's probably hard for her to choose it when you favour the other one and she's worried that this is 'all on her' because it's her choice and not what you would have chosen.
If I were you I'd try suggesting staying at the RG at least for first year and giving it your full support and cheerleading, but do look into whether transfer is possible, then if she chooses to transfer to closer to home you and she both know it's her decision not yours.

OneKookyShark · 05/09/2025 13:22

I work at a Uni in student advice and we see this a lot every year. It happened to me aswell - I went to a uni too far from home at that time, dropped out after a week and ended up at a more local uni which suited me much better.

I don’t work at a RG uni so maybe my opinion is very biased but there’s so much hype around going to RG when really they aren’t all that. Lots don’t have great student support and many ride on being RG without doing very much.

Try to get to the bottom of it with your Dd- it’s FINE to have a wobble, it’s fine to change her mind- many uni’s are struggling with student numbers so ring up your local uni and find out what they could offer. There is still time.

Original poster

Rina1971 · 05/10/2025 20:42

Thanks everyone as you might have seen on my other thread, daughter went to the RG and gave it a go. Unfortunately became very unwell with viral meningitis and had to come home. She then decided to transfer to a local uni and starts tomorrow. The change in her is amazing, so glad to be home, I could've predicted this but she needed to find out the hard way.

OP posts:

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