I don’t like my teenager

[Blueberry1980]

My daughter is 15. I’m a single mum, have been since she was 3. I have put my whole life on hold and worked my ass off to give her everything. Sge does not see her dad, he is a huge loser. My daughter is bright, funny, considerate, kind and caring…..until it comes to me. I work full time and have done for a long time. I think of her at every opportunity, what would make her happy, days out, things, days in, party’s, trips. She is my first priority. She doesn’t seem to care though, she seems bored at anything I suggest and causes problems at any opportunity. I am so sick and tired of trying to please her. I don’t date, don’t go out, don’t do anything, I’m literally her mum and I am so done with it! I actually want to run away, I won’t of course, but I don’t like her! I’m not asking anything, I just want to rant! I feel like I’m trapped in this horrible situation and I miss the girl who used to love me

Just wanted to add my tuppence worth in here ... She sounds absolutely normal. It is normal to find them awful at that age. My brother did his son, my best friend is going through it at the moment, my old teaching colleague described it as them going into a crysallice of horribleness but then emerging a few years later as nice people 🤣 just trying to reassure you and help you put it all in perspective. You sound like a lovely mother and she will love you the most in all the world in a few years time. All the sacrifices you have made have not been wasted. Just accept that it's her age and stage.

Don't pander to her, still have your boundaries but give her more space and let the reins go a bit. Have a bit more life for you. Make sure she pulls her weight with cooking and housework.

I was awful at that age too. Thought I knew everything and parents were oh so annoying and kill joys.

We all grow up and realise the truth.
You sound brilliant. Just look after u a bit.

Don't worry, teenagers are dreadful, it's not your fault or theirs. Try to look back to how you felt at that age: you didn't like YOURSELF either, did you? It really is hormonal. I do think the approach should be not that different from dealing with a toddler between 2-4, only more respectful: ie, ignore every provocation you can (language, greasy hair), agree fair ground rules where there need to be rules (time arriving home, phone use, etc), don't take it personally (tantrums), and just carry on with your own life / schedule / plans while being affectionate and try try not to sound condescending. (This last is hard. Turns out they feel condescended too when you remark that you remember feeling exactly the same way at that age...) Basically, rise above it. Not too much to ask eh?😂

You should certainly be able to leave her on her own at 15! My parents left me for a week while they went on holiday and I survived, even though I pretty much lived on cornflakes for the week. Go out and meet friends, join a club and get involved with something, volunteer. Anything to get a life for yourself. You're not really doing her any favours being at her beck and call, she needs to develop some independence. I'm sure she'll be lovely when she's a bit older.

My dd is 22. And acts like this to me. It breaks my heart. It's like she got to the terrible teens and forgot to improve. She lives away from me but each time I see her she ensures i feel awful. She avoids me when at home. Can't say anything nice. And mutters. I wonder why she actually visits? Maybe she just needs to vent and I'm a great kick bag....

Stay strong and just be there really to like her again when she moves forward ...

Find/ spend more time doing hobbies, yoga class, running, reading, meeting friends and model having a fulfilling adult life. Do date. Do go out. They say you need a mother not a martyr.

At 15 she’s trying to be a bit independent and distance herself, find her own groove. Try to spend quality time around both of your independent lives - a shared interest like cooking, a dog walk, playing scrabble, watching a movie. Anything.

Maybe it gets easier. I don’t know. You can only do your best but don’t take it personally if you can

I personally wouldn’t leave my DD (14) alone overnight…. But I do meet up with friends and come home late. And my friends are nearby so I could get home within 10 minutes if needed.
my DD is lovely though and I REALLY hope this doesn’t change !!
shes has lots of battles in her life and I really hope she remains the wonderful girl she currently is

@Blueberry1980 I have been there! My daughter was like that at 15 (and 16 and 17, I'm afraid).

I separated from her dad when she was 14. At that time I was working locally, but then my job changed. From when she was 15 or 16 I worked away from home most weeks; so I left at 06:30 on Monday and got back around 9pm on Thursday. She was alone for 3 nights, got herself up and off to school, got her own dinner. I will say we had a very good relationship with our next door neighbour (who was like a grandmother to her). Did I worry about her - of course I did. But it worked.

But to get back to your issue ... in this period she was horrible to me (in just the way you describe - sulked through any activity I tried to arrange for us to do together, insulted me at every opportunity, etc).

I gradually learned to stop pushing. Joint activities had to centre around something she wanted to do, eg a film she wanted to see, or shopping expeditions where I was really only there as a walking credit card (I think the technical term is "bribery").

My advice to you is to hang in there - it will get better eventually. Give her space; if she wants to spend all day in bed, let her do it (in the hols obvs, not on school days). Find some activities for yourself that take you out in the evening. And as far as housework is concerned, put it to her bluntly that you can't do everything and ask what she is willing to do to help. With my daughter it was a negotiation, I didn't get everything I wanted, there were some tasks she flatly refused to do, but what she did agree to she did (fairly) reliably.

Its also a lot of added pressure for your DD to feel responsible for your happiness as well as her own. But getting on with your life its good for you, models good living to her, and the removal of pressure and injection of some joy and life into the house may
improve things over time with her.

Most parents of teenagers will be out to the gym once or twice a week and do a hobby or meet with friends once or twice a week. As well as solo walks/outtings etc.

I had one like this. She’s 21 now and (mostly) a delight. Often tells me how much she loves and appreciates me. The teenage years were difficult though. It’s a thankless time for many. It will pass.

Mines 13 and I leave him alone all the time 🤦😂

He loves it and prefers to mooch about with me out and about

Not overnight but for example going out for a day with friends tomorrow from about 8am to 8pm and he's not bothered in the slightest! Keeps asking if he wnays to come (fun place for teenagers!) but he'd rather the house to himself to eat icecream and watch movies and maybe see a mate

I'd start building a life for yourself so that when she's gone you won't feel so left behind xx

It’s time to let Dd start growing her wings. Give her space but come together regularly too.
You also need to find yourself again. What do you like to do? What are you interested in?
Rediscover yourself and the world out there.

I feel similar if I’m honest.

I have put 100% into my child but now I feel like a bit of an empty shell as my needs are at the bottom of the pile. Mine does go out but nowhere near as much as they used to so it’s fell on me to be their company for 99% of the summer. Even when they have it’s been too late minute for me to make plans.

The struggle is more that everything falls to me and me only.

Try treating her like an adult. Since she isn't pleasant company, don't invite her along but go wherever with a friend. Start some activities like swimming or gym or Scottish dancing - actually just anything to get you out of the house. Once she realises you have a life of your own, she might get off your case :

Not washing or brushing her teeth is not normal behaviour even for a teenager. Not IME anyway.