How do you cope with the rage when they are so rude to you?

[Noseprawns]

I need help from experienced mums of teens.
I’ve DS 13 almost 14 (and a younger one who’s a dote). He’s always been such a lovely boy and still is MOST of the time and we are such a close and loving family but it’s the rudeness and subsequent sullenness I am struggling with.
It’s like he doesn’t speak to me with an open heart if I can describe it that way. Shutters come down and it’s like he doesn’t care about any of us.
Example (we are very privileged financially and he gets everything he wants and he knows we are financially comfortable) I bought him some new water bottles in Sports Direct the other day 2 for £10. He took one out on a day out and lost it on Tuesday
Me today; it’s annoying you lost that water bottle. Can you be a bit more careful please (in a very conversational tone)
Him: what (in the Kevin the teenager way) Oh my g-d that wasn’t even my fault Grandpa didn’t remind me I had it
Me: well it’s got nothing to do with Grandpa has it it’s up to you to keep hold of your stuff
Him: it was only £5 what do you even care
me: yes £5 OF MY MONEY mate, you’re being very free spending my money there!
him: whatever I’ll give you £5 then (still in this scathing tone like I’m a piece of shit)

Then I was like right, pack in the attitude, all you had to say was yeah sorry I’ll be bit more careful. It’s disrespectful and rude to firstly say it’s not your fault then be dismissive of someone else’s money they’ve spent on you

Him: whatever yeah

Me: SAY IT THEN

him: sorry (muttered with eye roll)

But then comes The Rage. I am peri anyway but I’ve always had The Rage like a red mist and I just become so furiously angry like I could happily stove his head in with a Baseball bat (not really obvs). HOW FUCKING DARE HE my whole body is vibrating with it and I just don’t know where to put it or what to do. I ended up shouting (not screaming like I wanted to) and I’ve stormed upstairs and he’s taken the dog out. I’ve taken £5 off his Monzo card,

I need help. The Rage I think is just embedded now but how can I handle the sullenness and the sort of lack of giving a shit about my opinion of him? A year ago I would have said the first bit and he would have been apologetic and offered me the £5 back (which I wouldn’t have accepted). He was a shit to his brother yesterday and I tried to have an open and loving chat about it at bedtime but he just sits there going yeah and slightly rolling his eyes waiting for me to finish speaking. Then he wants a cuddle and wants to talk shit about spurs or whatever and I’m there cuddling him but slightly vibrating with rage because the previous stuff is unresolved (which I’ve never been good at)
HELP I’m not good at or enjoying this bit of parenting!

Honesty I just chose my battles. Try to remember that for them the behaviour is hormone driven. Their brains don’t grow fully till mid ‘20’s. I would often just walk away and if anything felt sorry for them that they were in such a teenage hormonal phase. This often would lead them to apologise later as they realised they’d been dicks. I made it clear that I realised their brains weren’t fully formed and hormones were rife so I understood! Reverse psychology if you like.
If things were super bad I’d still walk away and a bit later talk to them saying how it had hurt me or whatever. Nothing much can be gained when the rage is present!

I’m working through all this too, and am finding that some things I can let slide (never eye rolling, sometimes a huff or a strip when I n ow she’s making an effort to keep it in); some things I keep a hard line on (rudeness to sibling, raising her voice at me, poor language); some things I laugh at (when she’s so determined to have the last laugh she will outright lie, often preposterously). I’ve also perfected the Gen Z stare. It’s actually very effective. You should google it if you don’t know what it is! (Also she hates that an oldie like me has appropriated a yoot ting 😂).