How do you cope with the rage when they are so rude to you?

[Noseprawns]

I need help from experienced mums of teens.
I’ve DS 13 almost 14 (and a younger one who’s a dote). He’s always been such a lovely boy and still is MOST of the time and we are such a close and loving family but it’s the rudeness and subsequent sullenness I am struggling with.
It’s like he doesn’t speak to me with an open heart if I can describe it that way. Shutters come down and it’s like he doesn’t care about any of us.
Example (we are very privileged financially and he gets everything he wants and he knows we are financially comfortable) I bought him some new water bottles in Sports Direct the other day 2 for £10. He took one out on a day out and lost it on Tuesday
Me today; it’s annoying you lost that water bottle. Can you be a bit more careful please (in a very conversational tone)
Him: what (in the Kevin the teenager way) Oh my g-d that wasn’t even my fault Grandpa didn’t remind me I had it
Me: well it’s got nothing to do with Grandpa has it it’s up to you to keep hold of your stuff
Him: it was only £5 what do you even care
me: yes £5 OF MY MONEY mate, you’re being very free spending my money there!
him: whatever I’ll give you £5 then (still in this scathing tone like I’m a piece of shit)

Then I was like right, pack in the attitude, all you had to say was yeah sorry I’ll be bit more careful. It’s disrespectful and rude to firstly say it’s not your fault then be dismissive of someone else’s money they’ve spent on you

Him: whatever yeah

Me: SAY IT THEN

him: sorry (muttered with eye roll)

But then comes The Rage. I am peri anyway but I’ve always had The Rage like a red mist and I just become so furiously angry like I could happily stove his head in with a Baseball bat (not really obvs). HOW FUCKING DARE HE my whole body is vibrating with it and I just don’t know where to put it or what to do. I ended up shouting (not screaming like I wanted to) and I’ve stormed upstairs and he’s taken the dog out. I’ve taken £5 off his Monzo card,

I need help. The Rage I think is just embedded now but how can I handle the sullenness and the sort of lack of giving a shit about my opinion of him? A year ago I would have said the first bit and he would have been apologetic and offered me the £5 back (which I wouldn’t have accepted). He was a shit to his brother yesterday and I tried to have an open and loving chat about it at bedtime but he just sits there going yeah and slightly rolling his eyes waiting for me to finish speaking. Then he wants a cuddle and wants to talk shit about spurs or whatever and I’m there cuddling him but slightly vibrating with rage because the previous stuff is unresolved (which I’ve never been good at)
HELP I’m not good at or enjoying this bit of parenting!

WOW
sorry for the length
not expecting any replies now!!

OP, you know you're not going to hit him, so no harm will be done in the physical sense. You're safe on that front.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for teens to see the impact their behaviour and attitude has on others. Shouting and screaming aren't great, but I think you can safely 'let rip' and tell him how unreasonable and inconsiderate he is being. It helps if you already have a kind of family culture of applying 'loser / being a dick -status' to inconsiderate and arrogant behaviour in general, so they kind of know instinctively that they've strayed into that territory.

If I had spoken to my mother like she’d have ripped me a new one! I’d have been grounded and had privileges removed.
Rudeness was not tolerated at all in our family.

Evening primrose oil helped my rage, as I could feel how much more easily triggered I was in the lead up to my period, your comment of vibrating with rage really resonates with me! I take it daily now and have done for a couple of years, and can definitely tell if I run out and don’t replace it quickly enough.

Regarding the teen-ness, mine is now 16, and appears to be just about past that infuriating phase of blaming everyone else. Annoying as it sounds, I had to learn to stop myself reacting so much, and just implement the consequences - so in your example, take the apology and the £5, and let the annoyance out away from him, because otherwise we just wound each other up further and further and what we’re realistically quite minor issues turned into blazing rows. It was hard, but between that and the evening primrose oil, things are much better now.

My teen would get the rage from my voice much earlier in that conversation. They would not be allowed to continue speaking to me like that and there would be consequences.

If you let them speak to you like shit once they will continue doing it.

Its ok to show them you are annoyed when they behave badly. They should gro up understanding that behaviour has consequences.

When mine talked to me like shit I would say excuse me? And wait.

My oldest would normally say sorry at thst point.

My youngest would often get abusive and I would say I am not going to stand here and be spoken to like that. Come back when you can keep a civil tongue in your head.

Then I'd leave him to calm down and we'd talk it through later.

You need to stay calm and say what you choose to say in a very calm voice at a normal volume. If you react to anger with anger it just escalates.

I have lost my temper a time or two and said something like who the hell do you think you are talking to?

It was very unhelpful to the situation. Mine is perhaps different in that both my sons have autism and my youngest is severely autistic with challenging behaviour. But I believe that regardless, its vital to stay calm. The more they raise their voice the more you lower yours.

I tried to let a lot go. But if they were rude. I would say you are being rude, if you continue you will lose 3 hours of phone time

I think maybe re-examine your conversation about the water bottle.
It's not about the money but you both escalated that situation.
You reprimanded him, so he felt embarrassed, however you felt you used tone. He didn't lose it on purpose. It was careless not malicious.
My DD is exceptionally thin skinned to criticism so I tend to come at conversations like that from a different angle. I'd have shown some empathy for the loss, 'what a pain to lose one of the new bottles, any idea where it might have been left? Ah well, no worries '
But the natural consequence is you don't offer to replace it. He now has one bottle not two.
So now you've shown some solidarity with him, not scolded and not offered to fix it.
Rudeness I don't tolerate. No eye rolling, no 'I KNOW's but I usually bat it back with good humour or reflect it back to them another time. When I get teen-splained I will reply with an eye roll and I KNOW which makes us both laugh.
Am on my third teen so have a thick skin and low domestic standards 😁😁

Personally, what worked with my 2 was I would say "I am not in the right place to talk to you right now, we will talk later" And then move away as to stay and argue was no good for either of us

The red mist would have come down for me in that situation and I would have gone postal at the rude reaction. If they had apologised and acknowledged the waste of money then fine, I would have been calm. I would also have taken the £5 directly from their bank like you did. Nothing would stop the fury in my case, no supplement, no counting to a million, nothing.

Oh god my 15 nearly 16 year old is exactly the same, down to the eye rolls and everything being someone else’s fault. No advice from me as I’m also struggling, but am reading everyone else’s helpful replies and feeling relieved it’s not just me!

I go for ALOT of dog walks. Due to the age of my kids and my step kids I have had two teens for the last 9 years and will now have two for the next 8. The atitude on them gives me the absolute rage. To stop myself losing it I just take a deep breath, grab a dog or two (three to choose from and I just bring whichever didn’t go the last time), and we go out for twenty mins so I can avoid losing it with them.
if that’s not possible I just bite my tongue. Hard. And occasionally all that fails and I tell them they are being bloody awful and it not ok. Which is like water off a ducks back. It’s bloody hard OP.

Teenagers are super sensitive to perceived criticism and their defence is often to blame someone else and/or talk to adults as is if they are stupid. Often they back themselves into a corner and need a ‘get out’. They are infuriating but their mouth works quicker than their brain.
My response would be along the lines of
‘Oh that’s interesting that you thought Grandad should have reminded you. You used to be so good at remembering stuff. Look, you’ve got a lot going on so we can agree to remind you of stuff but please don’t be rude when we do. Because that isn’t fair’
However, I’ve worked with teens with SEMH and had 4 of my own so have learned to take a deep breath.
I do believe the responsibility should be put back to them but that can look like them acknowledging they need support and not being arsey when it’s offered.

Thanks all. Some really lovely replies here. I will try EP oil. @Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast your reply made me laugh…. I love the idea of getting quieter as they’re getting louder and I think that would actually work…. But you may as well have typed “and then all you need to do is swivel your head 360’degrees and crawl on the ceiling like a spider”…. I have NOT physically got it in me to do that. I am not built for it!
He texted an apology when out with dog and then when he came home he found me we had a cuddle and he said he does get in these moods, he’s not sure what triggers it but he digs his heels in and gets ruder and ruder. He said he wants a code word when I recognise he’s doing it and we settled on pineapple (😆) and if I say that he will have a. deep breath and take himself off to reset.
We then had a lovely evening at the cinema and out for dinner.
Lets see what today brings!

This. Same with my children when they were teenagers. They wouldn’t have dared. You say he gets everything he wants? Stop that. Make him earn the things he wants. Don’t ever give him money back that he gives you to pay for things. Let him know that every time he talks to you like that, they’ll be a consequence. Can’t help you with your rage I’m afraid.

I can't help, but thank you becuase this is exactly how I responded to my DS at that age. I never did with DS2, but DS1 and I were awful together.

It was definitely PMS related, in that it would be worse sometimes than others, but I didn't respond to anyone else like that.

Fwiw, he's 24 now, adorable and we get along great.

I find blocking the x box makes me feel better

Your DS sounds like a good one - self reflection, built his side of the bridge back to you, shows you his vulnerability and love. Sounds like he and you share difficulties managing/processing strong emotions, he shuts down (flight) you get the rage (fight).

Honestly?
The rage is emotional dysregulation -you say you have always had it, even prior to peri menopause.
It's a £5 water bottle-the consequence is he lost it, he doesn't get a new one .
Your expectations are that he emotionally regulates whilst being attacked by you over a £5 water bottle but you are not emotionally regulating yourself.

Model respectful behaviour
Remind him calmly he's being rude
If it occurs again then he's going to have a consequence.
Loss of £ etc

It depends on your teen, but mostly the hard line of ‘no rudeness’ just escalates the situation. We’ve had full on blazing rows from nothing due to me losing my temper at what is shocking rudeness. Not acceptable at all but nothing changes so it’s just a waste of energy.

Remember toddlers? You pick your battles, you keep it simple and you try to remember that they can’t help it. It’s not about ‘winning’ the situation. Same with teens. It’s a phase, it will pass.

I’m battle-scarred but we made it through and he’s a reasonable human being now.

I know it’s just another thing on your endless to-do list but he can’t help it so this is in you to change your response.

How to Talk so Teens Listen… is good and quick to read. Agree pick your battles. Teens hate to be lectured so sometimes stating facts and letting them draw their own conclusions works better. Humour is useful. Don’t be too worried that not stamping down on every bit of rudeness will create a monster. I think if you can model politeness and calm they’ll get there when hormones calm down.

But you may as well have typed “and then all you need to do is swivel your head 360’degrees and crawl on the ceiling like a spider”…. I have NOT physically got it in me to do that. I am not built for it!

🤣🤣🤣🤣 love it.

Well that would 100% work. They'd be too scared of you to ever open their mouths again.

He sounds like a really good lad. He recognises when he is being a dick, that is really mature and you should be proud of him. Also that he apologised, knowing he was out of order. I think you'll both be okay.

But teens can help it. If they couldn’t, all of them would be rude to parents. Mine weren’t.

I never ask for an apology.

If my ds speaks to me like shit. I turn off the router and retreat to my bedroom with it, to read a book. If supper is late, why would I care? Either his stomach or his need to get online get to him eventually and he knocks on the door and apologises, unasked.

I am every bit as obstinate as him and will not relent until he apologises. He doesn't speak to me like that any more. He knows what will happen.

Never blink first 😊