Single mum to two great dc but I have had enough of parenting

[Jinglehop]

As the title says. I have two great dc, both about to go to Uni to study the subjects they love. I am a lone parent but we dont struggle for money because I work hard and have a good career. There is a father in the picture, but for various reasons, he isn't much help - when I have called on him to help it has almost caused him to have a break down which isn't good for anyone.

I know that I will miss them when they go, but I am also ... so done with parenting every. single. day.

I hate having almost grown adults in the house who are perfectly capable but yet I'm still expected to plan food, shop, cook and do housework, garden, car maintenenance, sort all bills, plus help them with all their admin and daily teen 'emergencies'. I struggle to get them to find time to spend with me dealing with the practicalities of moving out to Uni. I'm working full time and they are on holiday ... I asked them to do 20 minutes each day on housework which they agreed was reasonable and yet, I am still picking up their plates and cups and doing ALL the housework unless I directly give them a task. I am TIRED of this intense, relentless parenting. Its causing arguments, because my fuse is not just short, its burnt out and I know that the problem is me, not them

Please tell me it gets easier when they go to Uni. I'm told remote support can be even harder.

Are they twins or did one take a gap year?

how far will they be?

They will very likely be back post degree! And brace yourself for the loooinnng holidays!

I asked them to do 20 minutes each day on housework which they agreed was reasonable and yet, I am still picking up their plates and cups and doing ALL the housework unless I directly give them a task.

these are 18/19 year olds at least.

you are working full time

and they are this thoughtless? Doesn’t bode well op

but yet I'm still expected to plan food, shop, cook and do housework, garden, car maintenenance, sort all bills, plus help them with all their admin and daily teen 'emergencies'.

op, they sound like they’ve been indulged all their life and never learned differently. Unfortunately you are now suffering the consequences of that. As will their future partners no doubt!

Did they work at all to save for uni?

If they can't manage cleaning up after themselves as they are at uni age, then I can completely understand why you'd be fed up. It sounds like it will do them good to go off to uni and fend for themselves a bit. Are they in halls? A house share?
It sounds like you've done a great job raising them basically by yourself, and here's hoping you get to enjoy your lovely peaceful, tidy home, with regular visits from your newly matured respectful adult children.

It does get better when they go away in my experience. They realise that things don’t just happen by themselves so although still need reminding a bit they are a bit more self sufficient.

Sounds like it’s tough but you are nearly there. (Obviously there is some remote parenting and the worries don’t stop but after a couple of months you settle into a new pattern)

i have teenagers on long holidays and I work full time. I did a rota board for cooking evening meals ( they have to plan in advance, cook a reasonable well balanced meal, and the other one clears up afterwards. They also have a specific chores every day ( empty dishwasher, go to shops and get xyz). Only by being very specific and accountable do they do it.

Agree that it Is exhausting. I am done with it and still have several years left!!

One took a gap year. My eldest worked really hard and saved well both for travels and just has the last few weeks or so as holiday. Youngest hasn't managed to land any serious work over the summer holiday, partly because most employers are looking for 18+ and they are a summer born baby and partly because they are disorganised and left it too late.

I think the problem is me, being a bit burnt out and stressed ... there is a lot to organise with two going away at the same time. One will be in halls, which makes it pretty easy, one in a shared house, which has been difficult to organise because estate agents.

Sit them down and tell them the contract has changed. Now they are adults they need to take on adult responsibilities. Keeping their rooms tidy, planning and cooking at least one main meal a week, taking turns to clear the kitchen. Once it is agreed you have to stick to it. Don’t fill the fridge with food - they have to buy ingredients for their meal. Don’t tidy the kitchen when it’s their turn. If they don’t cook, go out for YOUR meal and don’t be tempted to “rustle something up”for them if you get it right now before they go to uni then the regime will be in place for when they return in the holidays.
I know it’s tough and in many respects having adult children is harder than having little ones. You have to be firm and start to think about yourself. If you don’t no one else will. Learn to be selfish.

An entirely self inflicted problem. You have allowed them to get to uni age behaving this way. Enjoy your peace once they move out.

The problem isn’t you

you have a 20 year old and an 18year old
who are doing squat all
and watching their single mother work full time and do EVERYTHING around the house

It is pathetic and concerning.

How are they funding uni given one spent savings on travelling and the other hasn’t ever worked?

Sounds really frustrating. But learning to do all that stuff is really important to help them be ready for living independently at uni. Halls is a nice half way house often with cleaning of communal areas included. Living in a shared house is very different my eldest and his house mates were not the tidiest but they were generally clean at least in kitchen and bathrooms. Other friends have kids who lost their deposits because of the state of the house on handback day. That might be a wake up call for them!

Been there, done that (x 5). Mine, despite having expectations, were lazy little buggers at home ("but it's not faaaaiiiiirrrrr! He/She isn't doing anything, so why should IIIIIIII", with appropriate level of whine). You can't physically force them to do stuff, sadly, the days of clamping a toddler between your knees to get them to help tidy up the toys they threw are long gone. But you can give them a list... Each. And anything they don't do, stays undone so you don't rush in to rescue them.

But they will come back better. Having to shift for themselves makes a difference. And they may not EVER come back to live, all but one of mine never came home to live after Uni, and that one moved out again after a year.

They do learn. And they will appreciate you, they just don't do it right now.

In your op, you wrote ‘you’re still expected to xyz’

why? How has this become the expectation?

you are basically 3 adults in the house, my expectations of my dc by that age - if you are at work and they are on holiday - will be that I have a meal waiting for me when I come home.

your dc have been very indulged that they had no expectations on them once they hit secondary, and you are now bearing the consequences of that.

you need to sit them down, organise a decent fair rota.

It's completely normal to feel this way OP and never take advice from those who have never been in your situation.
I think the issue here is because as a single mum when your children are small you just take on whatever needs doing. Single mum's feel under enormous pressure to keep up exactly same as two parent family, yet with one pair of hands down.
That has been my experience.
It is then incredibly difficult to change the status quo, especially when you are not around physically so much, l relied very heavily on overtime to make ends meet. By the end of the day you haven't got the mental or physical energy,.It's just not there, it's gone on trying to be a good employee, trying to deal with teenagers and all the challenges that brings, trying to pretend your not a single parent and can keep on top of absolutely everything as expected. Single parents are afraid of failure, afraid of not keeping up, and the consequences that brings, so we take on far too much and end up very badly burnt out. It's completely normal.
I have two young adult sons living with me, each one of us has entirely different routine, we all eat at different times, they can cook, but not so good at clearing up. The washing machine is on at all different times as they work out daily, go to classes etc, my washing machine is outdoors in an outbuilding, so although yes they wash own clothes, l worry what neighbours must think when machine is going 11pm.
I just think everything is temporary, sooner or later they will be moving out and then l will finally get clean and tidy home to myself. Until then l do try and remind them to clean as they go.
Don't be fooled thinking every other family is perfect and got it all together apart from yours. There's a reason its almost always the woman raising the children alone, because a man just couldn't do it. Simple as that.

This is why I'm teaching my 9 year old how to run a home and take care of herself. I was out by 18 and arranged uni, jobs, everything alone. I was doing my own laundry and cooking my own food well before that. I can't live with other messy adults and my daughter knows this. I'm happy to live with her for a long time and she always has a home with me but I won't tolerate being a dogs body. I've prioritised this aspect of parenting.

Thank you for your kind reassurances. @Runlikesomeoneleftgateopen especially.

My dc know how to cook simple meals, bake etc. One of them is trained as a chef! They have done their own laundry from the age of 13. I think they are probably better able to look after themselves than most kids off to uni at 18. I’ve made sure they’re perfectly capable when it comes to running a home but the default is either a debate over who does more/less or … I quietly get on with it because I can’t face another debate, or organising another ‘fair rota’ that’s observed for a few days then quietly dropped, another sit down house meeting explaining that they’re expected to contribute without being micro managed, or the mental load of making lists for them to follow.

I’ve done it all and I’m just done with it.

I’m hanging in there. Just a few weeks until I’m an empty nester (until Christmas)

Honestly, if teenagers were husbands mumsnet would be baying for mums to leave or kick them out. 😁

Not sure what’s worse

The fact they fully know how to prep, cook, clean etc but choose not to and instead wait until you’ve finished full time work and doing it all for them.

Or the alternative of them not knowing how to do any of these tasks aged 20 and 18

@JinglehopI had two Dads going to boarding school every term. There was one standard list for uniform which I made sure was available. They did the rest. From age 11. They have never had me running around like you are.

Also, you csn actually buy stuff in the university town or city! I’m assuming they are not going to the equivalent of the North Pole? There is a month to go and, if they are self catering, check what’s in the hall already. You don’t need that much!

Teens tend to be quite self-centred. You say you're "expected" to do all the shopping, cooking etc, but that's just because you've always done it. It would be a rare teen who would say without prompting "don't worry about the cooking this summer Mum, I'll do it all". You need to agree rotas for cooking and cleaning. I know it's a PITA but otherwise it won't happen.

Just ride it out for the next few weeks

Then book yourself a few days off if poss when they go - tidy on the first day and then indulge on wine and food and being a free woman!

Yanbu - i'm already making plans for when dd(6) goes back to school 😄

This is a 20 year old trained chef!
and an 18 year old

So older teens
and they have a single parent. So generally tend to be much more aware that burden is all on the one parent who stuck with them

When you pack them off, spell it out to them that things will be a lot different at home on their return, and that you won’t put up with them behaving like children again during the holidays.

I know you won’t believe me now, but in four weeks time you’ll be crying because they’ve gone, when just 24 hours before you wanted to throttle them. Motherhood is indeed a rollercoaster. But head up, shoulders back, deep breath! You’re almost there, and it sounds like you should be very proud of yourself.

I hear you, two young adults still at home. They both work full time and do sod all around the house. I got sick of complaining so I just plod on. One of them is moving out soon and he is the one who creates most of the mess. He said the other night I won't cope alone. I just said I'll be fine.

I hear you. I've had enough too - it's come on quite suddenly! Mine are 17 and 20. The 20yo is home from uni. They wash up etc after meals automatically, and both have part time jobs do other things when asked, but tbh they could do more.

There's a lot of ferrying them about and I still find myself fretting about their life stuff and helping/prodding them with things I should really let them get on with (or fail to get on with) themselves. My fault really. They aren't incapable, and are doing well at school/uni. They're just complacent and a bit lazy when they're at home.