Single mum to two great dc but I have had enough of parenting

[Jinglehop]

As the title says. I have two great dc, both about to go to Uni to study the subjects they love. I am a lone parent but we dont struggle for money because I work hard and have a good career. There is a father in the picture, but for various reasons, he isn't much help - when I have called on him to help it has almost caused him to have a break down which isn't good for anyone.

I know that I will miss them when they go, but I am also ... so done with parenting every. single. day.

I hate having almost grown adults in the house who are perfectly capable but yet I'm still expected to plan food, shop, cook and do housework, garden, car maintenenance, sort all bills, plus help them with all their admin and daily teen 'emergencies'. I struggle to get them to find time to spend with me dealing with the practicalities of moving out to Uni. I'm working full time and they are on holiday ... I asked them to do 20 minutes each day on housework which they agreed was reasonable and yet, I am still picking up their plates and cups and doing ALL the housework unless I directly give them a task. I am TIRED of this intense, relentless parenting. Its causing arguments, because my fuse is not just short, its burnt out and I know that the problem is me, not them

Please tell me it gets easier when they go to Uni. I'm told remote support can be even harder.

There's a lot of judgement on this thread from people who haven't been in your shoes, OP. It's bloody hard as a single parent to juggle everything that needs doing and you're often so exhausted and burnt out you can't write up a rota or nag kids about weekly chores. And that isn't always the issue anyway. I've found (widowed with 4 DC) that I'll be giving one a lift somewhere and when I return there is some sort of kitchen mess but the others have scarpered and I have no idea who created it. Stuff like that doesn't happen as much when there's another parent around to give the lift or watch the house. In my case, as well as managing my own grief, I felt so sad for my kids for the loss and trauma they went through that I tried to make life easier for them and so made a rod for my own back. It's going to take time and effort to change that now I've got a bit more resilience and energy. But I'm damned if I'm going to give myself a hard time about not managing it before. I've been doing far, far more important things than that.

One doesn’t work at all!

The other has been on holiday off work for last few weeks!

Hold fire

I am a single parent of teens

and honestly… the idea of me working full time and a 20 and 18 year old not working and doing sweet FA at home? Well, just no

I lie on the couch in mu kitchen and give instructions:

Empty /fill dishwasher
Write a shopping list.
Weed the oatio
Cut grass
Walk the dog.

I'm not saying it's ok. I'm saying it's better to make changes now from a place of understanding how it happened rather than taking on a ton of judgement about not having raised your kids properly when actually you've been breaking your back trying to make things better for them, all alone. OP's kids clearly have had some difficulties with their father. If he had been different/there maybe things would not be as they are. A bit of grace for herself, that's all.

But “how” did it happen in the OP’s case?

In your case, it is very tragically evident why

Good question. She did say in her first post that the children's father nearly had a breakdown when she asked him for help, so it sounds like she has been left with most of the burdens and all of the drudge.

OP, can you take a week off work once they've gone to uni and enjoy your peaceful house?

when I have called on him to help it has almost caused him to have a break down

when the op called on him for help. What a pathetic man.

and doesn’t explain why an 18 an 20 year old, neither of whom are currently working, are doing sweet FA whilst their full time working mother does everything

The dynamic changes somewhat when they go to uni... I also work full time and have 4 (2 at uni, 2 teens still at home) and jt's exhausting in different ways... it sort of comes in waves.

When they are at home, I have tuned into things they willingly help with and leverage those. They all like cooking ti varying degrees (whilst i hate it) so they will cook dinner ane make their own lunch/breakfast and put dishwasher on (will need reminding)

Washing I don't let them do it as I have a family system and its a lot of us, so its nore efficient for me to do it. Older ones will help woth carting siblings around (hairdressers, dentist, school runs, parties).and they actually quite lile doing that too.

They do also clean and tidy their own rooms, I havent done that since they were 10 lol but they do sometimes need reminding.

I'm in a similar position, OP. My children's father is 100% disney dad and just takes them out for expensive meals. honestly I am SO OVER parenting teens. It's the cooking I hate the most - I have a younger child, so I need to cook for her, but if I didn't, I would just buy them cornflakes and super noodles and leave them to it.

In my case, my children have regressed - they used to be so much more helpful. I'm exhausted. It doesn't help that this is coinciding with (peri) and menopause and I just fucking cba anymore

my 20 year old is back for the summer - honestly I think it takes a few years for them to be grown up and helpful. I don't think she's cooked once.

My 24 year old is brilliant - she empties the diswasher and even the bin. (her room is a tip but you can't have everything).

Of course it will be better - bar a mental health crisis they will get on with it and do their own laundry and cooking and adulting.
But why are you picking up their plates and doing all the housework? Telling them to do 20 minutes a day means nothing if not specific. Say : Jan you are responsible for doing the laundry this week - get the machine on Monday/wrdnesday/Friday (or whatever). Mike you are on washing up duty this week. Or vacuuming or whatever. They should be responsible for changing their sheets. Tell them to make appointments at the dentist/hairdressers themselves before they go away. Plus my own summer born son had three jobs before he was 18 - even during the covid years he was KP in a cafe, working in a golf club and as a sales assistant. And he did his own laundry from the age of 16 - he even ironed.
My DD is entering second year of uni in a shared house did all the work with her housemates. Found the house, organised the utilities, dealt with the agents. My Dd did an inventory and they are deciding between them who will bring what to the house . All I did was sign one piece of paper as guarantor. They can do it. Don’t be a martyr - get them moving!
But yes I get totally fed up too - widowed when my kids were little it’s always been down to me and I’ve often felt I just want someone else to have the responsibility for a change!