14 year old criminal boyfriend. Please guide me!! What would u do?

[Mumontheedge1249]

I’m pretty sure I know what the responses will be but here we go.
my daughter is 14. She has had a boyfriend (also 14) for a year and a half. Everything was ok for a year I would say, typical teen relationship.
this last 8 months the boyfriend has lost it. His dad was sentenced to 10 years for DV in December and this has made him spiral and go down a very dangerous path.
Jan- April he committed crime after crime. Mostly for violence in the community. But he has also mugged someone and has been caught carrying a knife. I found out he has also been a runner for a few months as I found a burner phone in his bag and handed it into police. He was excluded from mainstream school for fighting and attends a behaviour school for 2 hours a day. Obviously when I found this all out I stopped her seeing him. My daughter spiralled into a deep deep depression, hurting herself, suicidal, etc. awful time.
They begged me to give him one more chance and he would change as they were considering putting him into a children’s home. Seeing my daughter in such a state, I agreed to one last chance. He had a few court cases coming up and he actually stayed out of trouble (April-July) so 3 months. Unfortunately, the court case which was in August was dropped and within a week he was arrested for violence in the community, apparently he got into a fight with his brother with a taxi driver. Incase it couldn’t get any worse, the police turned up at my house to arrest him, on her 15th birthday this week. She spent the whole day in tears, not eating etc. I’ve said he is never welcome at our house again. She honestly doesn’t care about the crimes and still wants to be with him and is begging for me to let her contact him.
i know his behaviour is from trauma, he has had a terrible upbringing with what he has seen and his mum I would say is neglectful. but it’s not an excuse. The fact he stayed out of trouble for 3 months shows me he can control himself and behave when he needs to.
has anyone been in a similar position? How did it end? What do I honestly do? Please help me!!! One of the worst situations to be in! This is not what I imagined parenting teens would entail!

I really feel for the lad. He’s in a bad place,
but there is NO way I would let my DD get pulled down too

of course she is upset, suicidal, begging you

she’s been with him a long time for a young teen - she knows no different

act now, protect her from him and herself -
you need to be making the sensible decisions here as she is demonstrating very clearly that she CANNOT

Yeah, no. I feel sorry for the kid but tough shit when it comes to him and your daughter being together, absolutely no way. Can you go away for the rest of the summer? Literally anywhere. Ideally without phone signal.

I would love if I could do this. I’ve taken her phone away for now to stop contact with him but now she can’t speak and make plans with her friends. She currently spends her time crying and being sick she is that distressed.

That’s exactly what’s happening, we as a family are all being pulled down with him. He’s ruined my whole year with this rubbish. It’s just so horrible knowing it’s me why she’s heartbroken because I’ve stopped contact very much against her will. She won’t even talk or be around me. It’s me who’s become the villain in her eyes, it’s just such a bad situation all round for everyone.

Get her extra support from the school, when she's go back you can have a chat with her head of year or the DSL. They can normally refer for therpay etc, it may be other issues we're going on in the relationship that she hasn't revealed or that she's stressed in general and this has just overwhelmed her all too much.

Hold the line OP !!

you tolerate the distress fall out now because you have taken control

OR

you sign up to months / years / a lifetime ??
of shit from this lad !!!

seriously. Every day you u and DD are distressed and overwhelmed now is a day closer to freedom - hang on in there

She already has counselling sessions coming up next month, but totally agree, thank u x

hi op I actually have some sympathy for her as a teen I was in a not entirely identical but similar situation. My boyfriend when I was 16 had really serious MH issues and also broke laws/ got arrested.

My parents didn't ever ban me actually from seeing him - and I personally think if you can bear it I would allow her some sort of relationship with him.

In the end - I grew up and away from the boy - and she will too. I would not let this become a romeo and juliet situation.

Is there a way you could really carefully control it, let her see him a little then work really hard on making her build a life away from him.

I was actually thinking this. She suffers terribly with her mental health and would totally be a child that would run away and find him. She has self harmed before and mentally I just don’t think she can cope with the black and white thinking of stopping him completely. She honestly can’t take it and I’m really worried what she will do. Sorry u experienced something similar, it’s heartbreaking all round

I actually think she has more ADHD than autism. She constantly tries to keep busy so she’s not alone with her thoughts which I found out is more ADHD. So she will meet up with anybody, even if there bad influences, drug takers, anyone as long as she’s not alone. I’m not sure what u so with that as she’s going to keep getting into bad/risky situations just to avoid being alone with her own thoughts

Even the most determined child cannot sustain hysterical weeping and vomiting for more than a few days OP. Hold the line. Are you able to be with DD and take her away or for days out with friends etc to keep her busy until she goes back to school?

Thank u for this, ur right im going to weather the storm it’s just so distressing seeing her this way and i know if i say she can contact him it would all go away but im staying firm. I have said about going away this week as weather nice ☀️ x

I totally agree that she needs to be banned from seeing him. You could speak to the GP if you think she is at risk of self-harm - that’s good she has some counselling.

Sounds like she has very low self- confidence and it is wrapped up in others’ views of hers. Going away, keeping her busy, seeing her friends are all going to help her build her life back up and show her she can live without him.

Have you spoken to her about birth control/safe sex/coercive relationships?

He's a troubled young man who needs support but I'm afraid of it was my daughter Id be keeping her away.

you’ve had far better advice from others. The only thing I will say is careful you don’t stumble into Romeo and Juliet territory where it’s us against the world. Keep talking to her and keep listening to her.

good luck. It’s hard going navigating some of this

Yes I get this! I often feel they give out Bonnie and Clyde vibes.
thank you lovely x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My DD is older, 21, but I’ve just found out she is seeing a convicted criminal who has served time in prison for violent offences and is definitely involved in drugs too. I’m heartbroken. She had an incredible boyfriend before meeting this loser and she’s thrown her whole life away to be with him.

I would absolutely not let this relationship continue while you’re still in control of things.

How awful. Have u said u disapprove? What does she say?
such an awful thing to go through, it effects the whole family and has certainly ruined my whole year.

Thank u so much for all ur advice. She’s currently not speaking to me and staying with my mum but I have said we have to meet and talk tomorrow. She’s avoiding me because I will say things she doesn’t want to hear.
hopefully when I smooth things over she will come do some things with us to keep busy x
she Is on the pill which I give to her everyday so I very much control that side. I got on that quickly as I could see how things were going and how she is it would end in pregnancy very quickly

Yes we’ve made it very clear we disapprove. Tried to go in gently but ended up with her not speaking to any of us. He’s clearly very controlling too - whenever we spoke to her he answered etc. She’s adamant he’s a good misunderstood person, with trauma from him mum dying young. Said he didn’t commit the crimes he was jailed for etc etc. He can do no wrong in her eyes.

I’ve left it as, he’s not welcome here or to be part of our family, but if she wants to change her mind at any point, all she has to do is call.

It is actually tearing me apart leaving her somewhere that I don’t believe she’s safe but if I push anymore I’m worried Ill
totally lose her. It’s so tricky and something I never expected to have to deal with!

Hugs OP. 💐

You’re doing the right thing in a really difficult situation. 💐

If she wasn’t in year 10/11 I’d be asking if you considered moving but that’s obviously not possible academically