14 year old criminal boyfriend. Please guide me!! What would u do?

[Mumontheedge1249]

I’m pretty sure I know what the responses will be but here we go.
my daughter is 14. She has had a boyfriend (also 14) for a year and a half. Everything was ok for a year I would say, typical teen relationship.
this last 8 months the boyfriend has lost it. His dad was sentenced to 10 years for DV in December and this has made him spiral and go down a very dangerous path.
Jan- April he committed crime after crime. Mostly for violence in the community. But he has also mugged someone and has been caught carrying a knife. I found out he has also been a runner for a few months as I found a burner phone in his bag and handed it into police. He was excluded from mainstream school for fighting and attends a behaviour school for 2 hours a day. Obviously when I found this all out I stopped her seeing him. My daughter spiralled into a deep deep depression, hurting herself, suicidal, etc. awful time.
They begged me to give him one more chance and he would change as they were considering putting him into a children’s home. Seeing my daughter in such a state, I agreed to one last chance. He had a few court cases coming up and he actually stayed out of trouble (April-July) so 3 months. Unfortunately, the court case which was in August was dropped and within a week he was arrested for violence in the community, apparently he got into a fight with his brother with a taxi driver. Incase it couldn’t get any worse, the police turned up at my house to arrest him, on her 15th birthday this week. She spent the whole day in tears, not eating etc. I’ve said he is never welcome at our house again. She honestly doesn’t care about the crimes and still wants to be with him and is begging for me to let her contact him.
i know his behaviour is from trauma, he has had a terrible upbringing with what he has seen and his mum I would say is neglectful. but it’s not an excuse. The fact he stayed out of trouble for 3 months shows me he can control himself and behave when he needs to.
has anyone been in a similar position? How did it end? What do I honestly do? Please help me!!! One of the worst situations to be in! This is not what I imagined parenting teens would entail!

Please don't suggest a 15 year old child has a bloody personality disorder. I'm a mental health nurse. It's a horrible diagnosis and ends up excluding you from services due to the stigma and negative connotations.

Also, the research actually suggests that BPD is misdiagnosed when people are neurodivergent. It's a horrible diagnosis which I personally think is misogynistic bullshit that is slapped on women who usually have trauma backgrounds.

Anyway OP, hold strong. Right now she will hate you for this, but when she's an adult possibly with her own child, she will remember this and thank you. She is a minor who needs protection from a boy who is violent and involved in drugs. To allow the relationship to continue imo is a huge safeguarding risk.

How heartbreaking. You are literally describing the exact same scenario I am in. They are all so gullible to the lies too.
He honestly can do no wrong in my daughter’s eyes like your daughter. He didn’t even give her a present on her birthday. Said he was going to get something end of the week as his mum had no money. I said where was the hand made card then? Where was the nice paragraph? He manages to steal anything he wants from shops. Absolutely nothing. And she doesn’t even get mad at him. It makes me so angry she allows being treated this way and put in these situations that I end up shouting at her and saying hurtful things about the lack of respect she has for herself as I’m just so frustrated witnessing it over and over again. She’s now not speaking to me and staying at my mums and continues to message him even though I’ve told her she can’t. She would honestly have nothing to do with me if it meant she could stay with him. I have now become the villain. And I’m afraid to say I think this whole thing of me saying she can’t see him anymore/he’s not welcome has pushed her closer to him and me further away

Thank you so much for your advice. is there any other mental health avenues u think I could get help for her with?
She’s now not speaking to me and staying at my mums and continues to message him even though I’ve told her she can’t. She would honestly have nothing to do with me if it meant she could stay with him. I have now become the villain. And I’m afraid to say I think this whole thing of me saying she can’t see him anymore/he’s not welcome has pushed her closer to him and me further away. The only way she will do no contact is if I take her phone but that isolates her from any friends she contacts and that’s particularly hard over the summer holidays.
when I have taken her phone away from her before it is a physical fight with her to get it. It is so upsetting to do.

You need to hold the line and wait it out. Let her hate you, take her anger. Don’t talk badly about him anymore or try to explain yourself. Just say “I know it hurts love , I’m sorry” or similar. Acknowledge her pain but don’t engage. ATM she’s like an addict , going through withdrawal. All she knows is that she NEEDS him and can’t see past that, the pain, the danger all the shit he puts her through.

It’s great she has counselling lined up . Definitely keep up with that.

If possible, get her a new phone , with a new number and just add a couple of good friends back. Odds are she doesn’t know his number by heart. No social media , but hopefully she’ll be able to keep in touch with friends and socialise.

Keep her busy. Have her mates over. Organise stuff if you’re in touch with them/their parents. Clubs if there are any she has an interest in, days out/shopping even if she hated you and spends the whole time giving you evil looks. Encourage any hobbies she might like, binge watch tv shows, books etc.
Even better, if you have the funds and time off , go away somewhere for a while.
Keep trying to reconnect, outside of him. Be kind, understanding, loving. You’re there and not going anywhere no matter how much she rejects and hates you.

She needs to get THROUGH this, there’s no other way, no magic wand. Giving in, keeping some form of contact etc., just prolongs the process and pain.

I don't think OP's DD does have it, nor would I suggest it. But the stigma comes from mental health professionals not you clearly but many and other doctors (those people who do have such conditions don't deserve to be shut off from services). Yes there's definitely a misogynistic application of it to some women espeically with misdiagnosis instead of ADHD and other conditions but sometimes not unfortunately. The system needs more compassion to those who do have the disorder, as it is real though in population like women overdiagnosed, just like ODD is overdiagnosed for BAME boys.

@Mumontheedge1249 Maybe consider moving schools. I know she's going into Y11 but since it looks like she won't sit ant exams then it may be a good move with more trauma informed staff and staff better equipped with additional needs and a more pastoral and supportive approach. Would depend on travel, and the schools in your area but you could look around, email DSL's and other at the school - see their approach and what they suggest in general and see if you think it's worth it. Also please take the phone off her (I rarely advocate this, think conversation is better but in this case I think it's for the best), I'd put screening filters on her phone as well and take it during the night, make sure you can access it (no passwords etc) and block him on everything all social media and WhatsApp and anything.

Thank you so much for the virtual hugs! Definitely needed right now! ♥️🩷♥️

This is great advice! Stay strong op!

This is definitely when you have to act as parent and not as friend and protect her from this boy as your dd won’t understand the wider implications for the future. (Not helpful to say this but I would have cut this off at thirteen but too late now and it’s easy in hindsight.)

Also it shows the lad concerned that she is not available to him unless he gets his act together. You are setting standards and boundaries which she won’t do for herself at this age op so hold the line.

Keep repeating the mantra that you love her too much to allow this relationship to continue. And it’s your job to protect her. Refer to the hellish year you have had.

She will think she knows better and throw everything at you but you have to clear and confident in your own mind and be prepared to be disliked for a while. When she protests and maybe throws insults at you, keep calm and just say, “it’s ok, I’ll take that if it keeps you safe”

Good luck op!

Reading this brings back so many emotions. I want to give you hope because your daughter is young and working things out as my Dd did

At 13 my Dd started her first relationship with a boy same age . I invited him in but instinctively knew something was off . Although he was young he obviously didn’t like adults and I esp think he didn’t like woman and he certainly didn’t like me . I did all the nice things like provide food and a place to hang out , lifts home etc but as the relationship progressed my Dd became very different , her behaviour was off the scale . Running away , turning phone off , not eating , self harming , suicidal ideation, aggressive . We couldn’t keep her in without it becoming very violent .
we spoke to school who knew this boy , I did some investigation and found his dad had served time for drug crime . He was involved in his son’s life.

I self referred to social services after she went missing after saying she wouldn’t see me again .
It went on for 3 years ! Until he eventually tired of her .

what helped us was school , counselling and gp who put her on anti depressants . and waiting
I really thought we would lose her .
He was so abusive to her , she was often bruised after seeing him but I don’t know what was happening . He was caught on cctv in school assaulting her
amazingly she was heart broken but still managed to get her GCSE . And never gave up on school .

look up trauma bonding and breaking the cycle / chain by woman’s aid . My Dd refused to attend any support outside of counselling but I found it useful .

I saw her as a young person in a controlling and abusive relationship , not a defiant teen . And she was being abused.

She couldn’t end it because she was trauma bonded .

we stuck by her by not commenting on him ( very hard for her dad ) not being critical but saying she was our concern , he was his parents concern (or not )

she is now 18 and in a healthy relationship of 18 months and wants to be a social worker .

my profession is mental health but it doesn’t prepare you for extreme situations .

he may be controlling or abusing her as a reaction to his own childhood .

keep telling her you love her x