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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 3

61 replies

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 30/07/2025 18:41

A friendly place to take some solace if / when your teens are wearing you out. Or alternatively, to give others hope, if yours have turned a corner!

I’ll start: mines are 21,18 and 16. It’s been so hard with my last one - but shes starting to become easier. I am thankful!

How are you all?

OP posts:
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 20/10/2025 20:42

i am glad that I didn’t know the teen years could be like this or I would have dreaded them!

OP posts:
malificent7 · 21/10/2025 13:11

Can I join. Hopefully not derail. I'm down about my poor relationship with teen dd17. Bright hardworking but talks to me like shit. Lovely to everyone else.
Keeps silencing me in public as " im embarassing."
I shouted at her last night as she wanted help with her personal statement. I tried to make suggestions...all were rejected. Agggrrr...im an ex English teacher with 2 degrees ...one in Stem but she knows more about writing apparently.

crackofdoom · 21/10/2025 17:12

Placestogo · 18/10/2025 09:11

@crackofdoom i try using humour sometimes when i communicate with my teens, it works better than nagging i find.
also i try to pick my battles…
at the moment it means: i am buying him a vape so he stops picking up vapes and cigarette butts off the street to smoke. A sleeping bag not in the right place would be the least of my worries. Im just wondering if they are bigger issues that might need more attention than the sleeping bag? I understand its grating especially if you are dealing with lots of other things and you are a SP

The sleeping bag thing was more: I needed it urgently because I was about to take DS2 off to Scout camp. In October, so he needed the warm sleeping bag. It wasn't where I had left it- basically DS1 had lost it and refused to look for it. But this is typical of a lot of our interactions. Then I get wound up because he won't do anything to help- and I need help. He has to contribute to some extent, surely that's not unreasonable?

So, after days of no WiFi and no dinner, I have just tried to speak to him again. Basically, I need him not to talk to me like dirt. But he just denied, attacked, reversed victim and offender....same as always. Will not admit to having done anything wrong. So I said "In that case, you'll be leaving home much earlier than you'd like", and he said "Fine with me".

Is it so necessary to him to be horrible to me that he's willing to make his own life difficult in order to continue?

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 22/10/2025 19:16

Everyone welcome here. Very aware that this isn’t an easy thread to join!

OP posts:
GlassOfPort · 22/10/2025 21:43

Can I join too? Mine (DS, 15) is a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde character. He can be chatty, fun and affectionate, but will become truly obnoxious when anything related to school is discussed.
I am trying to set some boundaries while also avoiding direct power struggles (I found this book really interesting). Some days it works, some days it doesn't...it's such a hard slog

crackofdoom · 22/10/2025 21:53

GlassOfPort · 22/10/2025 21:43

Can I join too? Mine (DS, 15) is a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde character. He can be chatty, fun and affectionate, but will become truly obnoxious when anything related to school is discussed.
I am trying to set some boundaries while also avoiding direct power struggles (I found this book really interesting). Some days it works, some days it doesn't...it's such a hard slog

Ah, see that book gets my back right up. Why is it just about boys?? Do girls get a similar pass?!

(One of my massive problems with my DS is the feeling that we have fallen into the roles the patriarchy determines for us- he gets waited on and I wait on him. Which drives me mad, so I resist- and then yes, power struggles :(. Would I be less triggered if I had a daughter instead? Who knows)

GlassOfPort · 22/10/2025 23:18

@crackofdoom , I don't think the idea is to give boys a pass; it's about finding a different way of communicating ("when can you help me take the bins out, shall we say 5.00 pm or do you prefer 6.00?" rather than getting into a 20 min fight that will leave both of us exhausted and the bins still in the kitchen).
Of course, it doesn't always work...hence me joining this club 😉

Karmacamelia · 23/10/2025 00:04

Missing the closeness i had with DS when he was younger, now 16 feel like an inconvenience around him, no conversations (unless he wants something) Even though i know this is probably normal teen behaviour and need to let him find his own way, I miss those days.

TheLivelyViper · 23/10/2025 06:24

crackofdoom · 22/10/2025 21:53

Ah, see that book gets my back right up. Why is it just about boys?? Do girls get a similar pass?!

(One of my massive problems with my DS is the feeling that we have fallen into the roles the patriarchy determines for us- he gets waited on and I wait on him. Which drives me mad, so I resist- and then yes, power struggles :(. Would I be less triggered if I had a daughter instead? Who knows)

Refuse to do things. He is learning that women just do things for him. It's disrespectful. Does he even say thank you? It's not fair that he acts like a baby and is useless around the house.

Also, they are going to uni soon, don't make the flatmates that never clean, help with the cleaning schedule, and make and leave mess everywhere. Or the flatmates that expect their female flatmates to clean after them and never contribute, they are like that because that's what their mothers did for them. Happened to so many of my friends, etc, or they just actually couldn't do anything. Turn on an oven, and he didn't know to wash a chopping board after having raw chicken on it. Basic things.
Just get stricter on consequences. He ddoesn't clean, don't give him pocket money etc or whatever he likes.Have a family meeting and set out a cleaning schedule, and make it fair with the workload. Use something online or AI, etc, make it fair, but don't go easy on the tasks or the consequences. For some things, have a specific day - for others just say mid-end of the week, and he can sort out his schedules to work it in. He may be more busy on x so they can do Friday-Sunday, its also good for time management skills.Tell him the tasks, so if it's to clean the kitchen, then say sweep the floor, then wipe it with cleaning spray, clean the counters, and the microwave, etc. If he ddoesn't then he doesn't get his allowance, no WiFi after homework, etc, done, and he have to do it downstairs, so you can see. It's hard with cleaning as natural consequences are disgusting for you to live with, like leaving their dishes after a while is unhygienic, so I support natural consequences where you can use them but within reason of how it affects you. If he doesn't hoover or wash the dishes or cook, just cook for yourself and leave him to figure it out. He is more than old enough to cook 1/2 a week. On money, I recommend monzo or the Henry one for kids (can't remember exact name) as it has pots for saving during the week and is a good way to get used to budgeting like I have to go to x next week, and I need to pay x for the train so I have to only spend x on going to dinner or cinema with my friends. He need to learn, he is almost an adult.If he leaves plates in his room, then he can't use any downstairs till he cleans those ones. If he doesn't do laundry, don't do there's for him. He'll learn when he has no clean clothes.

crackofdoom · 23/10/2025 08:24

TheLivelyViper · 23/10/2025 06:24

Refuse to do things. He is learning that women just do things for him. It's disrespectful. Does he even say thank you? It's not fair that he acts like a baby and is useless around the house.

Also, they are going to uni soon, don't make the flatmates that never clean, help with the cleaning schedule, and make and leave mess everywhere. Or the flatmates that expect their female flatmates to clean after them and never contribute, they are like that because that's what their mothers did for them. Happened to so many of my friends, etc, or they just actually couldn't do anything. Turn on an oven, and he didn't know to wash a chopping board after having raw chicken on it. Basic things.
Just get stricter on consequences. He ddoesn't clean, don't give him pocket money etc or whatever he likes.Have a family meeting and set out a cleaning schedule, and make it fair with the workload. Use something online or AI, etc, make it fair, but don't go easy on the tasks or the consequences. For some things, have a specific day - for others just say mid-end of the week, and he can sort out his schedules to work it in. He may be more busy on x so they can do Friday-Sunday, its also good for time management skills.Tell him the tasks, so if it's to clean the kitchen, then say sweep the floor, then wipe it with cleaning spray, clean the counters, and the microwave, etc. If he ddoesn't then he doesn't get his allowance, no WiFi after homework, etc, done, and he have to do it downstairs, so you can see. It's hard with cleaning as natural consequences are disgusting for you to live with, like leaving their dishes after a while is unhygienic, so I support natural consequences where you can use them but within reason of how it affects you. If he doesn't hoover or wash the dishes or cook, just cook for yourself and leave him to figure it out. He is more than old enough to cook 1/2 a week. On money, I recommend monzo or the Henry one for kids (can't remember exact name) as it has pots for saving during the week and is a good way to get used to budgeting like I have to go to x next week, and I need to pay x for the train so I have to only spend x on going to dinner or cinema with my friends. He need to learn, he is almost an adult.If he leaves plates in his room, then he can't use any downstairs till he cleans those ones. If he doesn't do laundry, don't do there's for him. He'll learn when he has no clean clothes.

At the moment I'm doing nothing for him. Nothing. No WiFi, no dinners cooked (he is perfectly capable of cooking nutritious meals for himself but is choosing to live on pancakes and eggs on toast), no laundry, no money, no lifts. No communication.

He tried again with me last night- "What do you want?" I said "I need you to stop talking to me like shit." Cue a massive tirade on how he never does, anyway I speak to him worse, starts calling me names etc.

He will do anything not to hear what I need to say to him. So we're at a stalemate.

crackofdoom · 23/10/2025 08:26

He would never listen or play fair at a family meeting- would just talk over me.

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