Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 3

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

A friendly place to take some solace if / when your teens are wearing you out. Or alternatively, to give others hope, if yours have turned a corner!

I’ll start: mines are 21,18 and 16. It’s been so hard with my last one - but shes starting to become easier. I am thankful!

How are you all?

Just starting for me, almost 13yo dd who seems to think my role is to make her life hell by asking her to do homework, clean teeth, shower etc. everything is my fault, I can’t do right at the moment and it’s making me really sad, we used to have such a great relationship.

So glad I found this chat. Feeling like a really terrible mother RN to DD14. I have two DSs, 22 and 18, and they were nothing like this - eldest was hard work and did stupid things at school that got him in trouble, but he was never consistently just vile to me like DD. She is just so mean, but still wants me to be like this adoring little hand maiden to her.

She has ADHD diagnosed and on meds, but I don't think that excuses her being absolutely vile .... All the social media "experts" say don't feed the dopamine, just step back and deep breathe.

But really - I'm supposed to ignore her when she calls me a bitch because I suggest that maybe showering daily is a good idea? what i really want to say is what's the point in taking 1.5 hours doing hair and make up if you smell??

Like you @GreenBag53 we used to have a really close loving relationship. I was relieved when she started to separate from me, as it was a bit suffocating, but now it's just awful.

Anyway clearly I'm just a dickhead like all of you 😂

My daughter is weird with personal hygiene. Definitely not a priority. Fine to leave the house with BO but not without a full face of makeup.

my son is nothing like this!

having a really hard time with one of my DC.. wrote a long post but then decided against trauma dumping on strangers. It is bloody hard though and i really feel like a shit mum
i have 3 kids, including one doing a EPQ… id love it if this was my main concern…
can i just shout? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Hi, please can i join?… I have a 16yr old, who is generally nice. But he has no interest in doing well in school.

His engagement in his learning and his assessments show him working at a good 2-3 grades below his targets.

He is targeted mostly for 5s and 6s, but is currently failing everything!

I’ve helped him make revision timetable, and bought lots of revision booklets, but he’s just so laid back, he doesn’t seem to care!

Hey..I teach this age. If it helps, mocks around Xmas are often a huge wake up call. One of mine went up over twenty grades between mocks and the summer last year. Also, he should be planning next steps now. If he knows what he needs to get into college or whatever it helps with motivation.

My own 16yo is in Y12 except he isn't. Started college with a couple of decent grades and a maths resit to do but has crashed out already. He's a v sweet boy but just doesn't have any direction. Has applied for some retail jobs but not heard anything yet. I'm an SP, full time working with another child and I feel like I'm letting him down by leaving him home all day but college show no interest in helping him rejoin in a different course. I'm ringing and emailing but getting nowhere. Ugh. Hate this.

Please can I join too. Hard time with 14yo DS in year 10, had done lots of work to get things to a much better place earlier in the year but feels like all slipping backwards and have had a few outbursts in the last couple of weeks. So tired of treading on eggshells in my own home! My 12yo DS is being quite sweet and lovely at least.

Thank you!

I have just ordered a wall planner in the hopes that if he sees it visually in front of him, he’ll realise that he doesn't actually have much time!

I’m suggesting he does a trade of some sort… practical and skills from the get go.

The timing of the GCSEs is really not the best i think! Bang in the middle of adolescence! We dont give them a lot of chances…
a couple days ago, took DS to camhs for initiall assement. He scored high on asd screening tool so they are referring him for an asd assessment. Also sending forms to school for adhd assessment (more likely to be ADD).

ive let school know about the low mood and the self harm. Couldnt bear to say about the alcohol and drug use … im too ashamed and too sad. He is only 15 in Y11. Im pretty sure camhs will refer him to an alcohol/drug use intervention and will tell school…
he is an otherwise lovey boy, very quiet and very academic…
Good luck to all

There's nothing to be ashamed of, it's better he gets the support now. CAHMs will share all the information with the school, have they put in any plans to support him at school? Other than the forms for the assessment, support for the self-harm, depression etc?

Is he getting any treatment, meds and/or therapy? That is likely needed if he's struggling with all this plus drugs. Having you just caring will help a lot as well.

@TheLivelyViper thank you - hes just has an initial assessment so nothing concrete yet… it is really hard. I found again load of things in his bedroom today. I dont know how often i need to go through his stuff. Its a very fine line keeping him safe/not wanting to be intrusive. 😫

Eldest son 15 has ADHD and suspected autism.
Has no respect for me, talks to me like shit constantly, doesn’t do anything I ask, won’t help with any chores, he goes to sleep late and doesn’t wake til afternoon! I have no idea what to do? He gets home tutored twice a week so I don’t even have the school time to give me a break! 😩 thing is his behaviour has rubbed off on his brothers. My middle son is starting to find his feet as such and I just can’t deal with another like him 🤦🏼‍♀️ he calls me names, shouts abuse at me and threatens me. There have been times he has caused damage in the house too. His language and the way he speaks is disgusting and I have no idea where he gets it from! He is homophobic and racist and it’s extremely embarrassing. As I’ve said his brothers copy him and I’ve tried to talk to him about it all and explain it’s not acceptable etc but he literally doesn’t give a shit. I don’t have friends or family who help or support me I do it all alone and have done the last 5 years. I don’t know how I’ve not turned completely grey or ended up in a home.

Sorry to ass I’m a single mum of 3 sons age 15,12 and nearly 10 and a daughter 2 ❤️❤️❤️🩷

Oh! I’d love to join.
My 14 year old is really struggling with his mental health - he has developed PTSD from a car accident, has a huge problem with perfectionism. He’s got an ASD diagnosis and we’re waited 5 years so far for an ADHD assessment.
He self harmed earlier in the year….

Hi @autumn2025 thats really difficult. Have you had any help from social care or from camhs?
i try to find the good things even when everything is dark. I feel it helps me

@Blueuggboots 5 years for an adhd assessment? Wow thats so lomg. Have you heard of “right to chose” i think it can speed up things. I havent got direct experience though.
my DS has been put on the waiting list for adhd amd asd just last week… i have to think about what to do (wait ages or right to chose or get a mortgage to pay privately!)

I begged social care for help twice between when he was 12-14 because the puberty stage was the worst! They didn’t help couldn’t give a shit if honest fobbed me off with family solutions, I went to the doctors asked them I was told he will grow out of it, I got him referred for CAMHS they did one session with him and because he didn’t co operate straight away they discharged him, I’ve been in contact with the police because of the trashing of the home he doesn’t care, when he was in a main stream school they also tried to help after three years of not having a SENCO but again he don’t care. I’ve tried everything, I’m very worried about his future as he doesn’t seem bothered about his education or work or anything really. I have told him he can’t be 18 and not be working or in college and live here he needs to be doing something and that’s why he needs his English and maths at least so he can get on maybe an apprenticeship but he literally don’t care.

Hello, can I join?

I've got a 15 year old who, to be honest, has always been difficult (extremely oppositional). It's turned me into a person who does things I thought I'd never do. Chiefly, the silent treatment. But what can you do with a teen who interrupts and talks over you the moment you open your mouth? He will go to extreme lengths not to hear what I am trying to say to him. It would wind me up so much that I would end up screaming at him, so I reckoned silent treatment was preferable to that.

I would do anything to be able to just sit down and have a proper discussion with him. We have so much to talk about, and there's so much I could help him with. But in his eyes I know nothing and my opinions therefore have no value, so 🤷‍♀️

Literally my 15 year he does this too over talks me I don’t know anything, when I try explaining things he over talks as he thinks he knows everything it’s extremely frustrating!

So many posters on MN advise you to "just sit him down and talk to him". As if we haven't bloody tried that!

They also suggest communicating by text. The last text message I sent him (trying to be as clear as possible):

"I asked you to get the sleeping bag that you had put in the cupboard under the stairs back out of the cupboard and you refused and told me to do it(nightmare job, that cupboard is a black hole, but why did he put it there in the first place? It's not where it lives) I've been working really hard plus trying to sort out the broken down car, and it's not my job. If you don't do it there'll be no WiFi and no dinner cooked".

His reply: "I cba to read all that"

No WiFi and no dinner then I guess 🤷‍♀️

Why does he have to make life so hard for the both of us?

@crackofdoom i try using humour sometimes when i communicate with my teens, it works better than nagging i find.
also i try to pick my battles…
at the moment it means: i am buying him a vape so he stops picking up vapes and cigarette butts off the street to smoke. A sleeping bag not in the right place would be the least of my worries. Im just wondering if they are bigger issues that might need more attention than the sleeping bag? I understand its grating especially if you are dealing with lots of other things and you are a SP

@crackofdoomyep I ask my son to do things or not to do things and he don’t care, when I say well you won’t have Internet or dinner he goes ‘not going to affect me really is it’ or I get ‘what do you get out of that?’ ‘What’s that least to achieve’ I’m just like REALLYYYYYYYY

You really need to get some support. Call the LA ask for a family support worker, Early Help, PREVENT but the more low-level one.
Also, email them in detail, I'd be happy to help draft some bits and I'm sure others on here would. When you use the right language etc, or threaten to escalate to certain places they respond. Also keep on emailing, I know you've tried and it shouldn't be like this but you need to continue. Also contact the DSL at school, ask for them to refer to Prevent, YOI team and CAHMs but like the CAHMs for those who have been 'resistent', they still need help and I hate how CAHMs tries to use kids who have issues with trust, trauma, or are more aggressive to be like, don't engage, get of our list. It's ridiculous. Please CC in anyone and everyone.

Also complain to Family Solutions about the last worker, sometimes they can be great other times less so. But complaining can sometimes mean they 'try again' with more skilled people and they are better. Also report to SS and keep on doing it. Paper trails are so helpful with this.

Racism and homophobia get worse, he may start targeting people at school which is unfair, and it will rub off on your younger ones. How old are the younger ones? There are great online resources and books for this sort of thing?

Please send an email detailing it all to his head of year ans CC in the DSL, and pastoral and anyone from SEND. There is support but you have to use it/force then to give it to you. Be tough on sanctions especially for racism and homophobia, he needs to learn that 1. Its unacceptable and 2. Why it is wrong, resources like Everyday Racism and other things online are really helpful. Also make sure he isn't getting sucked into misogyny and Racism on social media, put on like controls on his phone to block it. Its really important.

@Placestogo For now check every day or two, as he progresses maybe make more arguments sort of like an amnesty of giving it to you. You won't ask questions etc, but you will tell the professionals involved and leave it to them. I'd try and track things you find, as you may not know what they are used for but the professional will.

From the inital assembly have they planned out the treatment? Like what specific therapy he'll get? Are they going to use medication?

Im so pleased ive found this group, im trying to be positive but my 13 year old is emotional and unpredictable with it? She had previously been keen to be in school 100%, but seem to feel poorly more days and encouraging school is becoming more difficult.

She can have moments where she is her old self and I really think its puberty thats effecting her hormones and mood to a large degree. I'm trying to keep positive and calm... the end is only a few years away! My 17 year old is now coming through it and is lovely. I know its a phase but some days are just so bloody hard, she hasn't yet called me a dickhead, I dont think shes that brave but I bet some days she thinks it.

I too try and keep conversations light hearted with a bit of humour. I agree it does work but when they are negative about me, the world etc it so.much harder