Just found out dd self harms

[Dahliasanddreams]

I've name changed for this as people irl know me and this is about dd 16, just 16.

Dd has told me last night she has been occasionally self harming. She cried and cried. My beautiful, funny, smart dd told me at school she is called weird and laughed at because she doesn't have snapchat.
All her friends use it, she tells me, and she is left out of things, because not on groups etc.

Apparently this has been going on since year 7, worse in year 9.

She also tells me she is scared of dating anyone- being called a girlfriend - and says no when asked out, then cries because she did want to, but doesn't.

She tells me she feels lonely, isolated and wants to be like other girls and boys chatting via snap. She tells me she wants to be normal. It's easy to dismiss but frankly I'm completely out of my depth.

My urge us to fix things, ie get her joining things outside sixth form when she starts in Sept, but I have a horrible feeling my practical no nonsense let's fix this isn't really what she needs. She knows a lot of things are hormone related, she says she feels worse once a month.

She seemed to think I would be angry and blame myself in someway. She was wrong. I have no idea what to do to help her. I don't want her to have Snapchat. This is not a solution, is it?

If anyone has been through this, or can help would be so grateful. I don't want to brush it under the carpet or minimise, but she def doesn't want anyone to know and call her more weird.

Sorry its long. Thanks for reading

She has told you
She knows it’s serious and she wants help although not explicitly started she wants help

I would be lining up a private therapist with a specialism in paediatrics and self harm. As in… right now I’d be researching. As a matter of urgency

Has she just finished up GCSEs?

Is the college linked to her school? Or a fresh start?

Been up all night reading about this.

She is going to her school sixthform. She doesn't want to suddenly, because everyone thinks she is weird and laughs at her, but it's outstanding and the only one that does the subjects she wants to do. We have said she can go anywhere, but she wants to go anyway despite saying not as she can walk there and likes the teachers.

Her best friends are going too. She doesn't mind making new friends. She gets asked out a lot, but always says no, because it makes her feel disgusted. She can't explain this. I am clueless.

How do I find a specialist? I am with bupa for work, which I can add her to, I think.

Bupa will cover her. Look for a Clinical or Counselling Psychologist or a UKCP or BACP registered psychotherapist. If it's bullying sometimes a change of location can help I think, depending on how bad it is.

Sorry I mean Bupa normally cover mental health sessions

I don't want her to download snapchat. I got the impression she thinks if she has it, she will stop.

I think it's hormonal too, she gets terrible period pains and Dr gave her the pill which has helped for her gcses.

She says she doesn't feel overwhelmed. Just really really sad all the time.

i am a YP therapist and you responded in the best way, calm and reassuring. She has told
you and that is really positive. She also knows
why does it, also positive. It’s about getting support and help but there is also an App, Calm Harm that may help. It helps by helping people to calm and/ or distract themselves, the latter being the best strategy. By distracting we allow feelings and thoughts to subside, and then can find something healthier to help (exercise, nap, writing a journal, ice cube on wrist) and your dd may need help to identify what she needs in those moments. Make sure she is tending to any wounds and remove items she uses, or put them out of reach say in a box within a box to allow for that delay. Be careful though, a minority of people self-harm as a way of coping with suicidal thoughts so self harm could be the lesser of two evils.

It’s more common than we think, but I have seen many YP reduce and even stop harming. I can’t stress enough how big it is that she told you. Most of the cases I work with harm as they feel unable to talk to parents.

You will likely need a gp referral though op

so book for next week

Hugs OP, that sounds very tough for you and DD.

IMO there are two slightly separate issues.

One, she obviously needs some professional help and you need some professional, expert advice too. I'm so sorry, it must have been a huge shock and so upsetting. I would say school or GP will be able to help. I've just seen your update about Bupa - that will definitely help if you speak to the GP as NHS child and adolescent mental health services are a nightmare at the moment.

Two, I do think you should reconsider your position on Snap. It can be a cesspit, it's true, but it is also how the vast majority of teens connect with their peers now. And the vast majority navigate it without any serious issues. She's 16 and she'll be at college next year. She's almost an adult. Obviously it's not at all appropriate for much younger kids, but now is the time to start loosening the reins. She needs to learn to navigate these things herself, and if she doesn't learn now when you are on hand to support and guide her, when will she? Realistically she'll be no less vulnerable at 18 if she's completely new to it and hasn't learnt how to manage it effectively.

To be 100% clear, I am not saying she's self harming because she doesn't have it. The reasons for the self harm are definitely way more complex. I absolutely am not saying it's your fault. The fact she told you about the self harm shows what a good relationship you have and she clearly trusts you. I'm saying, you did the right and sensible thing when you made the decision, but it might be time to review it.

I don't think she is being bullied. She says she doesn't fit it and never has.
We lived abroad a lot for exdh work. She has been to lots of schools. She didn't know anyone in year 7, but quickly made best friends. She is now 16, has same friends who are lovely, but they have free rein on apps so she feels excluded.

One of her friends has had a terrible experience on Snapchat, police involved, so she knows why it's a bad idea. But she wants to be like the other teens at school.

I am going to call bupa, and add her.

I would be speechless if she hasn’t already

Maybe she needs to try a different pill? The pill made me very depressed when I was younger, and I know many other women who have said the same.

You can set snapchat to save messages if that’s what you’re worried about. I agree with another poster that she’s of an age where she needs to navigate social media herself now. You can supervise but she’s a bit old to be banned from it. it’s better for her to have these things when still under your roof. Having it for the first time at uni is too late for her to learn to manage any issues especially if she’s then away from home.

Good luck with the therapy 💐

@Hardtum she can't because all apps go through family link. It's blocked along with tiktok.

We don't have phones upstairs. The school advised not to download these apps. I also read in the night snapchat is a gateway to suicide and is unmonitored.

She says she would like to meet boys on snap. She already has whats app and insta. I don't really want to encourage more phone use and her being vulnerable on there, as already self harming.

Getting her on your bupa sounds like a good first step. Do they have helplines you can call (sorry I don't know how it works)?

The point about her friend having had a bad experience on Snapchat is a bit like saying she had a friend who got hit by a car and now you won't let her cross the road. I know crossing the road is pretty much essential, and Snapchat obviously isn't, but life is full of risks. Teens need or learn how to navigate them.

Sorry, I'm really conscious not to derail your thread into a debate about social media for teens! You sound like a lovely, caring mum 💐

One of the suggestions for children that self harm is to not take their phone from them and honestly I think you should change your stance on Snapchat.

It's a great tool for kids to keep in touch, she's 16 and she needs her friends support.

I think you are being a little controlling about this.

@Notaripoff the bad experience ended up with family death threats, stalking, narrowly escaped abduction and house invasion. It was my dd who encouraged her friend to tell someone as her baby bro was threatened.

So probably the worst experience ever. Dd at the time said she didn't want it. But now- it's changed. And years of on and off self harming.
Why can't she see she is a lovely, funny, well liked young woman with opportunities. Even as I type that I know I clearly don't understand mental health at all and am ill equipped to help her.

It is very tricky when it comes to stuff like SnapChat. I would sit down and have a conversation with her. She has trusted you about the self harming now you need to say ok let’s give Snapchat a try. Treat her as the young adult she is becoming, repay her some trust. Let her try what she thinks might help and suggest a review of whether or not it’s a positive thing in a couple of weeks. Of course also doing the boring adult reminders of never sharing any images of our naked body under any circumstances! Just because my only flag is her desire to use it to connect with boys. Good luck oh and yes get a therapist on board.

I have a 16 year old who has had self harm issues in the past ( quite minor, but still) and it’s a horrible feeling. It’s good she’s spoken to you.

I’m quite strict about phone use (.or was - 16 is too old to be so strict) but teenagers only use snap to communicate. It's really isolating for her not to have that. Teenagers are exposed to risks all the time - drinking, smoking, vaping, open water, whatever it might be, but you have to let them learn how to deal with things safely. I would reconsider your stance on this as she’s 16. She needs to learn the tools to deal with things that come up in life.

I had this with my 13 year old daughter, I had the benefit at the time that the therapist I was seeing for myself has decades of dealing with young people who self harm.
we managed to turn it round within a few weeks and have to say it’s almost been the making of my daughter, she’s much like me in that she puts a brace face on but when I found out she was harming herself it was a wake up call to take more notice that she needed more support than than I thought, she’s now soo much more confident, happy, open, affectionate.
things that I think helped..

don’t focus on the act of harming, focus on the feelings behind it

at all costs avoid any shame or panic about the act of harming, sounds like you’ve nailed this already with your response to her telling you ❤️

most of the time it’s a control or relief mechanism for them, work hard on giving them autonomy in their life and helping them recognise that they have a choice and a voice in pretty much everything in their lives. Have a good honest look at any controlling or overbearing parenting you might do too

speak very openly and calmly about the things you will have to do to keep them safe such as taking sharps away, emphasis that this isn’t because your done trust them but that it’s because you love them and want them to be safe from harm

teach them how to love themselves and lead by example

if they need MH days off school give them freely for now, this is a pivotal time in their life where you teach them they are heard and it’s important that they take care of themselves

we had a journal exchange where she wrote in her journal each evening and if she wanted me to read it she left it open in my room, is she didn’t then I respected her privacy. It’s really important that you keep the trust here and don’t read it if she doesn’t want you to as it’s shows again that she has autonomy and control

we did a poster each called ‘things that I can do to take care of myself’ and wrote all over it self care things we can do. Examples were meditation, fresh air, talking about feelings, eating well, laughing, cuddling, baking. Everyone’s will be different. It was a good exercise to brain storm and give focus to positive things we can do in our lives to keep well.

I shared with my daughter times when I was really struggling in my life, divorce, family deaths, and spoke about how I sought help and how it bettered my life. She might not be comfortable with seeking therapy and you should respect that but by sharing your own experience if you can, normalises difficult feelings and give hope that it will pass. I said often to her that all feelings should be acknowledged and to recognise that all feelings whatever they are never last forever. This gives hope for change.

look after yourself too! Not only is this essential for endurance but it also models how to address one’s needs and stay well

tbh at 16 I’d give her Snapchat along with a conversation about how this isn’t the solution but you can see it’s very important to her and you trust her to use it responsibly and the deal is she keeps talking to you about how it’s going and flags any issues it might present so you can work through it together, emphasis on that this isn’t a threat to take it away if it proves difficult.

wishing you both well, it’s heartbreaking to know your precious child feels this way xxx

Agreed on all of this.

I'm in a similar boat. I got a call from school because DD had told a teacher she was cutting. She didn't want me to know - she was in the middle of mocks and my mum had recently died.

I was devastated .

We found a private therapist who took her on in a couple of weeks and she saw him until Easter. I'm not sure it helped very much. But she stopped self harming.

During GCSEs she came to me and said she thought she had an eating disorder. She went to the GP and our camhs appointment is next week.
I think she has anxiety and disordered eating, but not an ED.
She's v lonely. At her school then teachers clap all the kids out of school. She had couldn't find her friends to walk out with so walked out alone.

She's also been put on the table for prom for people with no friends and she's aware that nobody from school is likely to keep in touch.
We navigated the snap thing 2yrs ago by only allowing friends from out of school (so school - which is mandatory- was safe from online bullying) Initially I had a linked account so I could monitor it- but I've not used it for a long time. Obvs that kind of oversight is more unreasonable at 16.
It's so hard. Certainly being 16 was v different in y day.
I feel like I've failed in so many ways but at least we both have daughters who are talking to us.

BUPA was a life saver when dd had MH problems. The first step is to get her assessed by a specialist adolescent psychiatrist, then therapy, possibly some ADs.

Absolutely brilliant she has told you. She has asked for help. Your job is to get it in place and to be there. See what the psychiatrist says about snap. FWIW my dd shared with me after GCSEs. She shared a little and was much more ill than she disclosed.

She got better with clinical suppprt and a diagnosis of ADHD at 17. She was always a little quirky.

She's 27 now, went to Cambridge, qualified as a secondary school teacher and has a good job, a nice boyfriend and a nice circle of friends. She manages her anxiety, ADHD and underlying depression very well. She hasn't cut for about a year. She now discloses a lot more about what she was going through at that time and what she told me then was the tip of the iceberg.

You are very lucky to have the means to support her privately and very lucky she has reached out to you.

Be there, be open minded and make sure you are kind to yourself and get some support too.

With love.

Id give your daughter the option to use Snapchat. Not feeling like you fit in and needing to self harm is distressing. I was in that position at 16 and my 'protective' but honestly controlling parents made things much worse for me. Your daughter at 16, needs some freedom to make her own choices.

At nearly 16 I think she needs to be given more control over her online activities. I would (once the dust has settled) let her choose her apps, but not link it to this episode specifically. By all means maintain the parental controls...I periodically spend a bit of time checking which keywords etc are dodgy and doing the rounds on things like tiktok and snap and add them to the ever growing list that are blocked on my teens' accounts. I think this helps, my 15 year old reports that she has seen the odd dodgy thing but very little, and she is quite open/pragmatic about these things.

You can get a good feeling for the sort of thing they're seeing and doing by watching/scrolling though their 'for you pages' on tiktok occasionally. My daughter's permanently seems to be rowing and makeup, and occasionally holidays and puppies.

Snapchat can have the settings changed to save conversations for a period so the texts don't delete automatically, this may be a good start for your reassurance.

Both are linked accounts to me or DH.