Just found out dd self harms

[Dahliasanddreams]

I've name changed for this as people irl know me and this is about dd 16, just 16.

Dd has told me last night she has been occasionally self harming. She cried and cried. My beautiful, funny, smart dd told me at school she is called weird and laughed at because she doesn't have snapchat.
All her friends use it, she tells me, and she is left out of things, because not on groups etc.

Apparently this has been going on since year 7, worse in year 9.

She also tells me she is scared of dating anyone- being called a girlfriend - and says no when asked out, then cries because she did want to, but doesn't.

She tells me she feels lonely, isolated and wants to be like other girls and boys chatting via snap. She tells me she wants to be normal. It's easy to dismiss but frankly I'm completely out of my depth.

My urge us to fix things, ie get her joining things outside sixth form when she starts in Sept, but I have a horrible feeling my practical no nonsense let's fix this isn't really what she needs. She knows a lot of things are hormone related, she says she feels worse once a month.

She seemed to think I would be angry and blame myself in someway. She was wrong. I have no idea what to do to help her. I don't want her to have Snapchat. This is not a solution, is it?

If anyone has been through this, or can help would be so grateful. I don't want to brush it under the carpet or minimise, but she def doesn't want anyone to know and call her more weird.

Sorry its long. Thanks for reading

The most helpful thing about BUPA is that they have screened psychiatrists on their books for yiu to approach and the psychiatrist can then recommend a suitable therapist. The NHS will not signpost.

Paradoxically the best therapist dd had was through Relate who now work in this space. It's means tested but even if you have significant means as cheap as chips compared to the charges of IAPT registered therapists.

Be mindful that finding the right therapist is like finding a comfy pair of shoes. You have to try a few, unless you hit lucky, before you find one that suits you best. If your dd doesn't seem to be gelling with therapy it won't be because she is resistant or not trying

Let her have Snapchat. She needs to learn to navigate it. How do you think she’ll learn at 18 ? Why not teach her over the next two years

I am truly sorry for your daughter and hope she can access some appropriate support

I don’t think the Snapchat position is helping at all. One social media platform is like another and if it’s excluding her it’s really not helping.

All teens need to learn to navigate social media safely.

I know a 16 year old who was self harming and felt she had always had difficulty fitting in with others - she was diagnosed with ASD. Could that be a possibility? It's not unusual for girls with ASD to completely fall apart around GCSE age IME.

Is she definitely only being called weird because she doesn't have snapchat or might she be putting everything down to her not having snapchat when actually there may be more to it than that?

Not a chance I’d stop my 16 year old having snap chat

it is the main way they all communicate

My DD went through this at the same age. I didn’t know. I only found out when things reached crisis point at university.
Please please please get your daughter some private therapy with a clinical psychologist who specialises in adolescents/young adults. I wish I’d known so she could have had support when younger. Now we are unpicking and picking up the pieces.

DD started in Y9 and still does it sometimes aged 20.
We have tried counselling and everything else we can think of but nothing seesm to stop her, she is home from Uni and I saw her in shorts yesterday and the scars broke my heart.
She says she is happy in general and I think she is on Anti Anxiety meds now but she brushes off any attempts to discuss it and I don't think she will ever stop sadly.
She does it when she is stressed apparently but we could never find and triggers and at times she did it when if I had been asked to guess I would have said that her life was going really well.
I have asked her to at least make sure she uses something clean and looks after the damage to ensure there is no infection - the smell of TCP in the bathroom is usually a sign
Its heartbreaking but I don't think we can do anything.

Thank you for all your replies. Dd tells me she doesn't do it anymore which is why she told me. I said I'd looked it up and it's really hard to stop on your own but she is adamant she has. I am not convinced but mindful of the advice, said OK but we need to keep talking.

She said she kept a journal for a bit, but just found it depressing, so that's not for her. She seems willing to chat to someone professional, and I've given her lots of numbers to call if she just wants to talk to someone at any time. Samaritans, childlike, shout. MIND website and battlescars.

I've taken on board the snapchat view, and said she knew why it freaked me out, but if she could sit with me and show me how it works, settings etc. She was surprised but willing to reassure me she would be OK.

She has agreed to go back to some hobbies outside school she abandoned for revision. Out of the house, busy, not revolving round school/ sixth form. It's male orientated, so she will meet boys that way too. She is hoping her grades will mean she gets accepted into another sixth form, as would like a fresh start, but she also wants to stay where she is.

She doesn't think it's the pill, as she has been like this for years she says. But- I will make her a doctors app and she can invite me if she wants.

She tells me it depresses her she doesn't find any of the boys at school.bf material, and doesn't want people to think she is someone's girlfriend. She goes out on a first date, comes home, announces they are nice, sees them as friends. She gets upset when they want her to be their girlfriend. I have said there is no rush, but she wants a boyfriend, just can't find anyone who is like her. I think she will at uni. She reads old books, loves current affairs, keep up with the news, paints, likes fashion etc. All very normal teen stuff, tbh.

I’m so so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. My 14-year-old has struggled with feeling left out and overwhelmed too, and it’s heartbreaking. Self-harm can be so difficult to talk about, and it’s really brave of her to tell you.
It’s great that you want to help but also recognise that a quick fix isn’t what she needs. Sometimes just being there, listening without trying to “fix” everything, helps more than anything from my experience.
One thing that helped my daughter in general was the luna app (weareluna.app). It’s designed for teens and covers topics like bullying, friendships, loneliness, and managing tough emotions in a reliable and relatable way. I really recommend it and it's all created by medical experts so it's trustworthy.
I'd also recommend a visit to your GP here - you can go together. They'll have lots of advice and support about this, I'm sure they'll have seen similar situations lots of times before.
You’re doing your best and she’s lucky to have you. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.

I’m sorry your dd is struggling with this as is mine. I’m taking some of the advice here especially the self help stuff but I’m in genuine disbelief that anyone gets much help via the GP. Seriously they have been little to useless when I’ve asked for help over the last couple of years as my DD13 has a ASD diagnosis and we strongly suspect adhd too plus not in school no one helps. We have a private perscription for sertraline which takes the edge of the anxiety and reduced the intensity of harm but I’m trying to work out the next place to seek help. Rejected twice by CAMHs, it’s a wild west of potentially throwing 000s at therapists without knowning who can help and who could make it worse.