DD excluded and rejected

[Toastandmarmite999]

I'll try and keep this short...

My DD is 14. She finds social interactions quite hard, but since primary, has had a friend she regards as close and clicks with - let's call her friend 'B'.
Me and B's mum used to take the kids camping together, we never really 'clicked' but you do what you do for your kids right? DD was happy.

However, after primary, B not only got into the grammer school and my DD didn't, but B's mum found her own bestie with a daughter the same age, and ever since then, they have all been going off together for festivals, camping trips, holidays and we have been forgotten about.

B has quite clearly drifted away from my DD, but DD is still convinced that they're besties as they do occasionally walk home from school together, play together on Roblox and Whatsapp a lot.
But it's superficial as B is always 'busy' at the weekends, depsite living just a 10 minute walk away. She says that she has 'homework' to do, but no one has homework all weekend, every weekend.

Last year, after B and her bestie went to a festival together, DD made sure to ask B which festival they were going to, so DD could tag along too this year.
DD's just come home in tears, as despite this, it transpires that B and her bestie are going to a festival and B didn't tell DD about it until now and all the tickets are gone.

So, once again, it's going to be another summer with my DD having no one to hang out with, whilst watching her 'bestie' have a great time without her at various events.

I can't help but feel resentful towards B's mum, as we were once included and have since been completed dropped and forgotten about which has had such a damaging effect on DD.

But I also have to admit, that my DD has issues making friends/conversation, and maybe B doesn't actually want to hang out anymore either.

I don't know what to do. I've tried encouraging DD to widen her net and make more friends, but she's not interested in anyone else except B.

On the few occassions DD's come home after hanging out with B, she's been a different girl - really happy and excited. At the moment, she's downstairs feeling really low and it's so hard to watch.

I don't know if anyone can help with this, but I just wanted to get it out there.
Thanks for listening. x

Ohhh OP I feel for you, 14 is a hard age for friendships I think.

It seems that B simply doesn’t want to be as close with your daughter as she once did. It’s a hard pill to swallow at that age when you feel lonely and left out.

Regarding her mum, you can’t really be annoyed at her for not micromanaging her daughter’s friendships, sometimes we just need to stand back and let them find their way.

My daughter (also 14) has just been through this, but it’s a whole friendship group who have pushed her out and been pretty evil to her. She is socially fairly confident though so has just dusted herself off (after a week of loud crying) and gone off which another (much nicer and kinder) group.

Can you encourage DD to join some clubs at school or something to widen her circle? She hasn’t done anything wrong, people just change I suppose.

Sending love to you, it’s hard as a mother to watch.

I know it's hard when your child is no longer someone's #1.

It does sound as though B has moved on with her friendships and, while she does still like your DD, she is prioritising her other friendships. B is allowed to do that. It is a shame for your DD, but it is quite normal for children to make new friendships when they go to secondary school.

It sounds like B is being kind to your DD but your DD is not getting the message.

I'm afraid your DD does need to focus on new friendships. Best of luck to her.

Thank you so much for such a compassionate response @MysticHalfWitch x
She is part of a youth theatre group which B has been going to for a couple of years, but only told DD about a couple of months ago. So when DD is there, she just focuses on B.
She's really not interested in joining anything else as she finds it all so hard.

I’d suggest her trying something at school. Mine joined the choir and is now the backing singer in their band which she is loving. They all have a group chat and discuss their ‘set lists’ etc.

Getting your timing right is crucial though, maybe just float the ideas then walk away to let her think it through on her own, I find I get better results that way.

Oh I feel your pain. Ivebeen there with ds being left out.

I don't think you can. Blame b mother as she can't manage her daughters friendships as maybe we did in primary school.

You say your dd and b are at different schools. Could your dd maybe invite a school friend to yours one weekend or suggest meeting up on a Saturday. I think if they are at different schools it's pretty normal to meet new friends in school. Though I know it isn't easy with groups cliques etc.

I know its hard but maybe try and manage your dd expectations. Say that b has new friends at new school but they are still be online friends . Can she join sports club or drama club. Guides?anything to meet new people. Rather than just thinking that's I fir the whole summer.

Is your daughter neurodivergent? You say she finds social interactions quite hard .
It sounds like she has fixated on this girl always being her best friend and is not reading the social clues that the girl doesn’t reciprocate. You say if she goes somewhere she is only interested in the girl and not in widening her net . This could be quite suffocating for the other girl . You can’t force friendships but maybe your daughter would benefit in some social skills work . Has school expressed any concerns in this area ?

@summerscomingsoon - I've tried - no one compares to B! DD does have a small circle of friends at her school, they all came for her birthday in May, but she simply isn't interested in seeing them at weekends.
After this afternoon's revelations, I've once more encouraged DD to make sure she makes arrangements with other friends across the summer, but I honestly think she'd rather be alone if not with B.
It's all really unhealthy, and I worry about her getting depressed as I'm a lone parent and can't even afford to take her off on a wonderful holiday like B has every year.
It's really hard😞

@Thistooshallpass. I believe she is somewhere on the spectrum yes, although I've not heard anything from the school and she does have friends at school (that she's not interested in, out of school).

I think I might look into some social skills work, but I'm worried that making an issue out of it, and giving her a 'label' might make things worse...

Ohhh my heart is breaking. Single parent here too. Just keep quietly encouraging her, Rome wasn’t built in a day. If B continues to withdraw from
her she might come around to realising there’s lots of other nice people out there who would love to be friends with her.

This is totally normal. They are in dif schools etc and it’s time to move on and make new friends. Think of this girl like a boyfriend and it’s over. Perhaps in fact your daughter does have more feelings for her than she fully understands. I don’t know. But you need to help her move on

She needs a gentle but firm talk she sounds fixated on another girl which isn’t great for either of them. Does she have any hobbies to build her confidence and resilience? Eg surfing? Horseriding? Etc learning guitar or something is great and then you just jam with your mates.

My daughter struggles socially despite being school captain etc doing Gold D of E etc - scouts was good for her, mentoring younger swimmers and Horseriding. She also had tennis lessons etc. my daughter is ND? Is yours? Girls are very good at masking.

If they are going to different schools it's really hard to stay best friends, inevitably most children pal up with classmates. Is 14 too old for her to invite a couple of her classmates to a cinema trip or a comedy show or whatever is on roundabout? Does she get on with any of them or is she out of the loop? Do you talk to any of the mums at her school, if so could you suggest anything to them, 'DD is doing this would your DD be interested too'.

With kids of similar age-actually my teen is 15. Id say friendship groups have evolved continuously and just settled in the last year or so. So both yours and your daughters expectation that this friendship would be long term was incredibly optimistic. Perhaps B feels slightly suffocated and responsible for your daughters feelings-knowing she has noone else. which is a lot for a child her age.

Your daughter really does need to loosen her attachment and then it’s possible in time she may keep her as a friend or acquaintance albeit clearly not a bestie.

@TheFlakyAquaSloth - they sound very similar! DD is doing really well at school, is an Ecocouncillor, volunteers in the school library, goes horseriding with another girl she was at primary with - but they don't hang out anymore when they're not horseriding, plays the guitar.....to be honest she's really quite resilient and upbeat, it's rare to see her in tears like she was this afternoon, so I do worry.

Hi - Working on it will not make an issue of it . If she is on the spectrum as you suspect then friendships and social interactions are likely a mystery to her when she can’t read the cues , misinterprets and is not making the right efforts in the right directions . Ask the school if they run any interventions in the social field - learning some of the expectations now will help her through life .

This sounds exactly like DS's (ASD) experience going from Primary with a bestie (whose mum I was good friends with) to going to secondary school. It's really, really hard when you're phased out.

I would talk to her about how friendships come and go - give some examples from your own life perhaps - and explain how people grow and change and move on and how it's always good to not get too reliant on one friend but to have a few different options. Suggest she builds on some of her other school friendships. I think I'm probably ND and it took me a long time to get my head around this, I wish I'd had it very gently explained to me when I was younger.

Autistic people are often extremely loyal (and often find one on one friendships easier), it's a great quality but can lead to a lot of heart break. I've been there myself too!

It’s really hard as I have dd14 who has experienced similar. Sometime friendships move on. That’s life. It doesn’t sound like her friend is being mean to her, she just doesn’t want to hang out so much.
you admitted yourself that you didn’t click with the mum. Not all people click.
it does sound unhealthy that your dd seems quite fixated with the other girl. Does the other girl know that? If I was the other girls mum I’d be telling my dd to distance herself as it’s not healthy.

oh @Tina294 - I could have written that myself, it's taken me all my life to realise I really struggle with social interations, I used to mask it so well.
I do try to encourage her to widen her net, but like you've highlighted, she's almost obsessed with B. She gets angry at me when I suggest that B is maybe making new friends etc and that DD should try and do the same, but it's a bitter pill to swallow.
She's been rejected by a couple of other friends she had at primary too over the last couple of years, so this constant feeling of rejection is not good for her or anyone.

@hedgerunner - I don't think B is aware as a)DD is really good at masking and b)there were a handful of DDs friends from school at DDs party as well as B to see.

Poor B! You need to be firm and clear with your DD. For you to support DD stalking this poor girl and joining her drama group, trying to invite herself to the festival etc us does nobody any favours. B has moved on (years ago, by the sound of it) and DD needs to do the same.

I have social anxiety mental health issues and pretty sure I'm autistic(waiting for a diagnosis hopefully!) so I have always struggled to make friends. I have 1 online friend now at my age 😂. I would suggest talking to her and telling her B is making it clear she's not interested in a friendship past what she's already doing (online chatting, walking home occasionally) and she must get the hint. It is horrible but eventually B might explode at her for constantly trying, and your daughter will feel so much worse. Teen friendships can be brutal (my kids are too young but I remember my time well as still in my 20s).

The best thing you can do, is help her understand we cannot force someone to be our friend. My best friend of over 15 years has recently(past year) started to barely speak to me or see me (been over a year) I learned I have to give up asking & annoying him. If he wants to see me, he will message me. So far since I stopped messaging first we've hardly spoke. It's sad but it's life.

Could you not take her to a festival? Or if she has any cousins her age? Or if she has a 'cool auntie' (obviously unsure of your family dynamics).

That's really tough. It’s awful when they’re so loyal to someone who’s moved on, and it’s hard to know when (or how) to step in. You’re doing all the right things it sounds like encouraging her to branch out, even if she’s not quite ready yet.

Even though I haven't been through quite the same thing, my DD did struggle to make friends and I found this article really useful (I'm not expert but they seem to be!)

https://weareluna.app/parents/guides/relationships/helping-teens-make-friends/

Hope things get easier soon, I'm sure it will x

@Taytayslayslay I'm sorry to hear about your friend and also your own struggles. I think the same happened to me with one of my friends many, many years ago and I've spent my 50 odd years, being a loner as it's just easier - you're right - it's life xx

We don't have an extended family unfortunately - it's just me and my DD and she no longer wants to hang out with me which is fair enough.

I wanted to hold her when she was crying, but she wouldn't let me - it's so hard.

I can understand why you feel upset for your daughter, but it’s really unfair to criticise B (and her mother) for making new friends, especially if they’re at different secondary schools. You said yourself that you and B’s mother weren’t really friends, you just did things because the girls were friends. They’re now at different schools and it’s really not unusual to make new friends at that point. You wouldn’t give it a second thought if it wasn’t for your DD’s struggles, but they’re not B’s responsibility.

I came to this thread to say my DD is struggling in general with the idea of moving to a new school without her old friends but this article has given me some new perspective, thanks for sharing. DD already uses luna but I always forget about the parent articles too 🙏