DD excluded and rejected

[Toastandmarmite999]

I'll try and keep this short...

My DD is 14. She finds social interactions quite hard, but since primary, has had a friend she regards as close and clicks with - let's call her friend 'B'.
Me and B's mum used to take the kids camping together, we never really 'clicked' but you do what you do for your kids right? DD was happy.

However, after primary, B not only got into the grammer school and my DD didn't, but B's mum found her own bestie with a daughter the same age, and ever since then, they have all been going off together for festivals, camping trips, holidays and we have been forgotten about.

B has quite clearly drifted away from my DD, but DD is still convinced that they're besties as they do occasionally walk home from school together, play together on Roblox and Whatsapp a lot.
But it's superficial as B is always 'busy' at the weekends, depsite living just a 10 minute walk away. She says that she has 'homework' to do, but no one has homework all weekend, every weekend.

Last year, after B and her bestie went to a festival together, DD made sure to ask B which festival they were going to, so DD could tag along too this year.
DD's just come home in tears, as despite this, it transpires that B and her bestie are going to a festival and B didn't tell DD about it until now and all the tickets are gone.

So, once again, it's going to be another summer with my DD having no one to hang out with, whilst watching her 'bestie' have a great time without her at various events.

I can't help but feel resentful towards B's mum, as we were once included and have since been completed dropped and forgotten about which has had such a damaging effect on DD.

But I also have to admit, that my DD has issues making friends/conversation, and maybe B doesn't actually want to hang out anymore either.

I don't know what to do. I've tried encouraging DD to widen her net and make more friends, but she's not interested in anyone else except B.

On the few occassions DD's come home after hanging out with B, she's been a different girl - really happy and excited. At the moment, she's downstairs feeling really low and it's so hard to watch.

I don't know if anyone can help with this, but I just wanted to get it out there.
Thanks for listening. x

It’s all familiar for us too. It’s so hard for them when they feel/are excluded. Has happened to my DD14 as well. I always find being friends with the parents tricky as it’s like you’ve been forced together and the only thing you have in common is your the friendship of the children. Encourage some out of school activities where she can meet children that are totally independent from any at school. I think it happens at all ages and we learn to adapt the older we get. I’ve had a similar situation with one of my friends, we were very close and then she started to spend a lot of time with others which is totally fine, but now she has moved on from them and wants to see me more but I’m not interested. I always tell my girls ‘know your worth’ and if you are not welcome try and find someone else. It will get easier but it’s hard when your child is upset.

If she likes horses, could she spend more time at the yard helping out. I have a small group of kids that trail me when I'm volunteering down there, just hanging out with the horses, doing grooming, poo picking and making up feeds and stuff. Most schools will let you help out.

I mean half her friends will be 6 and half will be 40 but she will at least have some company and be outside doing stuff. We have a good laugh usually and when we've run out if jobs, we try and teach the horses tricks. Animals are a good buffer for anxious people and younger kids are less judgemental.

B and her mother are not doing anything wrong at all. The girls are at different schools and it's clear that B has made new friends, very normal and healthy at this age.

Friends you make in primary school are often quite circumstantial, once the circumstances change, children tend to move on. Seeing how much they change at this age, it would be strange to try and hold on to friendships and arrangements that they have grown out of.

B's mum has now found someone she click with, good for her, it sounds like you weren't keen on her in any case.

Your dd's behaviour sounds worrying though. She sounds rather very fixated on B, which could possibly be unnerving and irritating for B and her dm. Having a fixed mindset about things isn't very helpful. Has your dd some exciting hobbies? And why does she not want to meet her school friends? I think she needs gentle but clear directions from you. Strongly encourage her to move on from B and widen her circle. If doing this with friends at he knew school isn't easy the best way to make new friends is through a fun hobby. Does your dd do anything like guides, sports or music?

I think your DD needs to "mourn" her past friendship with B, maybe this is what's happening here. I would be direct with her and say that B clearly doesn't view you as a close friend and your daughter has to leave her alone. B seems like a nice girl who doesn't want to hurt DDs feelings that's why she's making up excuses to not see her. She probably feels stalked and doesn't know how to make your DD stop without hurting her.

If DD realises that B no longer is her friend it will open up a space for other friendships to grow.

This is a really hard age, but your DD will find a new group I’m sure of it, though it may take time. My DD was very popular in primary but then found her best friend in secondary, while bright, was becoming one of the basic, popular people.

They are now worlds apart and my DD has friends that literally seem like another species as they are so very different - kind, sensitive, creative and academic. It’s just life and typically just works its way out.

Absolutely this! It sounds suffocating for B. I think she's doing really well to maintain any relationship with your DD given the circumstances/obsession you've described.

I feel sorry for both girls at this point.
It’s very hard when you lose a valuable friendship my dd was heartbroken when it happened to her at that age.
But it is a normal situation, the other girl shouldn’t be thought badly off because she has moved on and your DD needs to stop trying to follow her around for both of their sakes.

It seems your daughter got something from this friend that she can’t get from others. Or, at the moment, she thinks she can’t. It can lead to an imbalance where the one who’s needed more has the control. It’s a steep learning curve and very painful.

Ouch I totally understand how you feel, it's so hard watching your kids get excluded and shunned 😞but I don't think your mindset around this (being angry and resentful at B's mother/B) is helpful. I know you tell your DD the right things like to widen her net and move on from B, but you need to get over B yourself too as you seem to be unconsciously feeding her dependence/obsession with B a bit. Like you're still trying to force B to hang out with your DD.

As a child/teen, I was different but similar to your DD in that I had lots of friends but I was really only obsessed with/interested with 1 girl in particular, as she made up for a sibling I'd lost. I so wish someone had helped me find the friendship and company of others valuable, if only to save me from the pain and rejection of that girl (who definitely wasn't as nice in rejecting me as B).

You could teach your DD - and this is a good lesson for adults too - that rarely do we get EVERYTHING we want in a friend. We have multiple friends that have a bit of everything each. Sometimes we do magically 100% click like with B, but mostly we have friends we're humorous with, other friends we have deep talks with, other friends we share 1 interest with, etc. i.e. no one is a perfect idealised fantasy like she is looking for in B. This may help her open up to other friendships.

Helpful?

I feel for both girls. It’s sad your DD has lost her friend but B must be allowed to go places and do things without your daughter. It sounds like the friendship has run its course from her perspective and it’s not pleasant for her to have someone harassing her and being “obsessed” with her.

Your daughter has not been excluded or rejected, a friendship has just moved on!

Perhaps your daughter can write a list of what she wants eg to go to festivals etc and work out how to make this happen rather than fixate on someone else. See it as a prompt for the life she wants

In a kind way - it isn't fair for you to hold B or B's mum responsible for your Dd's issues or unhappiness. They are more than reasonably making plans and hanging out with people they both click with and have fun with. B and your dd go to different schools and have done for years - it is expected and normal that they drift apart and have very different social circles and experiences now.

I have DDS, one who is always at ease socially and has lots of friends, and one who finds it all much harder. The best thing I have found is to keep them active and involved in a range of activities. They don't have to have friends there necessarily but at least they are busy which means they feel less left out, and they have a wider pool of people they at least know and share experiences with.

Make lots of plans for yourselves, link up with people you are friendly with it extended family, sign DD up for summer workshops or activities related to her interests. Help her to recognise her value regardless of how others see her.

“However, after primary, B not only got into the grammar school and my DD didn't, but B's mum found her own bestie with a daughter the same age”

Sadly, once the DC are in different schools, it’s only normal for them to make different friends, and often, the primary school friendships fall by the wayside because they’re not together every day. B’s mum has a friend with a daughter the same age as B, so they will naturally be thrown together, especially if both mums are keen, and they go to the same school. It’s very sad for your DD but it sounds as though B has moved on, as the fact that she didn’t tell your Dd about the festival until it was too late would seem to prove, and your DD needs to make her own friends at her new school. It is very difficult, OP, and I’m hugely sympathetic, but other than encouraging your daughter to join groups, and making opportunities for her to invite people over, there’s not a lot you can do.

OP your daughter hasn’t been excluded or rejected. It’s nothing of the sort. They are in different schools now. I have a child with asd so I 100% understand difficulties with friendships and how sometimes people can be unkind but in this case it’s not like B is being awful or mean to your DD. Definitely change your outlook on this and try to reframe the situation

Thanks so much for all of your responses - it's helped enormously with putting things into persepective.

Just to answer some of your questions, I haven't been actively encouraging DD to keep up her relationship with B, I actually wish she would move on, and I'm hoping that she'll eventually realise the B isn't her bestie, which she still seems to think she is.

I take on board your comments about not being resentful towards B's mother - I can see it from her perspective now - so thanks for that.

I would like to point out thought, that B does contact DD via SM a lot so seems to be keen to keep some kind of relationship going, but like I've said, I wish she'd just make a break and let my DD move on.

Only time will sort this out. I hate to wish time away, but in 5 years time, once again, they will all be going in different directions to uni and a new chapter will begin.

Thanks again for all of your advice and opinions - really appreciate it x

Op my daughter is autistic (have you considered this? there are some traits in what you are describing) - and ive been in this situation - including very similarly ending up angry at percieved lack of care of other mum etc

But I am here to give you a gentle shake of the shoulders - this is not the other mum - or other girls fault or responsibility

hard as it is - your daughter sounds over fixated and is not reading social cues - in the end nobody owes us anything once kids are at this age.

Please know - I really feel your pain. there is a mum who I found unhelpful in social situations like these and she just gave me the rage - but - that was when our kids were much younger -

by 14r your daughter needs social skills support - her friend has a new friend! she needs to really really focus on making some too.
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This girl clearly isn't her best friend anymore. And what would the mum do about that/ ?

if your daughter is going to be alone all summer - that won't be fixed by one girl - especially if it's a bit of a one sided friendship

can you focus all your energy this summer on supporting your child to learn some more social skills and meet other people?

I also really would look up autism in girls as fixation on other children/ black and white thinking/ not being able to read social cues - all sounds very familiar.

Just reading your latest post - where you say you wish she would make a clean break -

this seems quite unreasonable as a demand of a 14 year old. Just beacuse she doesn't want to be 'best' friends - and also because there may be a dynamic with new friend (who may not get on with your child? or your daughter struggles in a 3? who knows...but whatever it's also normal) - this other kid is allowed to feel friendly towards your daughter.

That sort of black and white thinking is really unhelpful in these situations. The 14 year old is also only a young teen - learning social skills. Maybe she prefers to go to the festival with new friend but is also happy to be friends with your daughter one to one at other times - that would be normal.

The key trait to develop in your daughter (and that is often lacking in neurodiverse children) is flexiblity. UNderstand friendships change and she can't rely on one friend all the time.

I think you need to really change your language around this or you will cause DD pain, you are projecting when you use words like rejection. There's no rejection, it's nicer for DD to know that B likes her, is kind to her, but has a lot more going on now and goes to a different school. It isn't about DD at all, none of it, B is just being a normal teenager who is very tolerant of someone following her to a drama class purely to stick to her.

You haven't been rejected either, you did things together when it suited and now it's a different relationship. Do you or DD ever invite people.or just keep a tally of who B and her mum are inviting?

Calm the language and drama right down, keep your DD busy with as many people as possible. Pin her self esteem on something other than "winning" childish friendship games.

Agree no need for a ‘clean break’ that’s too dramatic. The friendship is fine as it is- pleasant and normal. Your dd just needs more friends ideally a wide range that enrich her life, not just one.

I've seen this from another side. In primary my DD was in a threesome with two other friends. Friend A struggled to make friends and her mum did the arranging and the social events for her and always included friend B but never my DD. I encouraged my DD to make other friends but she too also used to get jealous when she saw the other two together. Friend A mum would tell A that A&B were besties forever and she believed her. Friend B grew up a bit and made other friends which kind of left A to the side not knowing how to make new friends and feeling alone and confused because she had always been told her best friend was B. Mother of A removed her from the school. She's still alone in the new school with no friends apart from kids that her mum has literally put her with which ends up being her friends kids and they are far younger than her. They are all moving to senior school in September. My DD is going to a school that none of them are going to. Mum A has got her in friend Bs school which isn't her local but I imagine it's to try and forge the relationship again. God knows what's going to happen but I'm glad my DD is out of it.

what I've learnt from this is let the kids make their own friends and don't get involved. Yes you can arrange social things but by sticking to one person and integrating with them so much is massively narrows down options. I hope your DD finds her way.

@LunchtimeNaps - I can really relate to this. I had to keep my original post short as the dynamics I've experienced (from B's mum) have been complex and cliquey.
I'm just waiting for them all to grow up a bit tbh and see how it all settles as B's mum's still pulling a lot of strings.
In the meantime, as mentioned a few times now, I'm just encouraging her as best as I can to make new friends and to keep her options open.

@LadyQuackBeth with all due respect, I haven't used any of the language mentioned to my DD. I keep my distance and let them get on with it. It's painful to watch, which is why I came here seeking support
I appreciate your dramatic response as there are a lot of dynamics and things that have happened that I wasn't able to relay.
I started the post with 'I'll try to keep this short'
So jus to answer you questions, I don't keep tallys - no.
I include as many other friends as possible including B - yes.
There is no drama I'm afraid, just a mum here trying to find out how best to currently navigate a tricky situation.

what I've learnt from this is let the kids make their own friends and don't get involved.

This. When mums meddle you suddenly don't have 2 kids and their dynamic anymore but additionally 2 grown up women and their dynamics with each other, as well as with their daughters and their dd's friends. Messy..

There was a mum in my dd's primary who was (and still is) controlling and jealous about her daughter's friendships. Seriously. Her and me used to be close as our dds went to the same pre-school and did the same hobby. When primary school started and I organised playdates with other girls for my dd, this mum used to make an instant bee line for the mum of the girl my dd had played with to also arrange a playdate. Every.Single.Time. She talked badly about my dd and me to the other mums and made it always very clear she thought my dd was less smart, less pretty, less talented than hers. My dd is socially pretty switched on and makes friends easily. Hers is sulky and clingy with an air of superiority, just like her mother. So with every friendship my dd made, this mum pushed her own dd into it, which over time meant my dd couldn't form proper friendships as it was actively undermined by this mum. Thankfully my dd is at a different school now so we haven't got this difficult woman in our lives any longer.

I wouldn’t encourage the musical theatre group as it sounds like DD only joined because she found out that B was there and you say she focuses on B. This
isn’t healthy and will lead to B falling out with her, then probably won’t even walk home with her.
You’ll have to guide her and make her try some new groups a couple of times each in exchange for a reward. You could now is the time to try lots of hobbies now before the gcse studies take up after school, so you think it’d be a good idea to try as much as she can now for fun. Hopefully she’ll find something she likes and some pals