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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son left home after row

33 replies

Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 09:24

There has been an ongoing issue for months with DS, he is 17 and won’t do anything. He’s got a job in the holidays but in half term he didn’t even go to that as he forgot to book shifts apparently. I know I am too soft and always give in to keep the peace ( I am actually in therapy right now and trying to work on holding boundary’s)
he refuses to look for work he does nothing expect lie in bed and look at tik tok.
he left the salon and was rude to his dad about not like his hair and his dad totally lost his mind.
he is at xollege but only a couple of days a week. His Dad has let me lead the way for so long as he has an appalling relationship with his own father and didn’t want to have the same with his own son but my leading the way has caused it to fall down around me.
He’s left and apparent not coming back. He asked for money and I said no so god knows where he is. His dad said he has to come home today or not bother as he’s done with it. To be fair he’s right and I knew it would go to crap but I was trying to bluster him along with kindness.
He’s good in so many ways. Like he doesn’t come home late he always updates me where he is like he’s a good kid but he’s just lazy.
Dont know what I’m asking for really. I’m so tired and have a really stressful week ahead. I feel like it’s all gone to shit and he might never come home again but also if he does come home he needs to abide by new rules as mine clearly aren’t working.
he’s my third and my two older were just a dream tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 09:25

Sorry I missed out his dad took him to get his hair cut yesterday and paid for it and he left the salon and was rude to his dad.

OP posts:
chocolate08 · 08/06/2025 09:32

The trigger for him leaving must have been more than this - is your husband telling you everything about what happened? Definitely tell your son that your door is always open and you want him to come home. It sounds like a row which has spiralled - you need to give your son the chance to back down gracefully so to speak and come home. It's hard to tell but tbh it does sound more like a husband problem than a son problem....

MissJoGrant · 08/06/2025 09:35

chocolate08 · 08/06/2025 09:32

The trigger for him leaving must have been more than this - is your husband telling you everything about what happened? Definitely tell your son that your door is always open and you want him to come home. It sounds like a row which has spiralled - you need to give your son the chance to back down gracefully so to speak and come home. It's hard to tell but tbh it does sound more like a husband problem than a son problem....

Hmm yes, how can we blame the dad? 🤔

DrummingMousWife · 08/06/2025 09:37

He will be back once reality bites. You need to be in the ball with what conditions he needs to abide with to come home.

Starlight7080 · 08/06/2025 09:41

So he does go to college? But only a few days a week? Which to be fair is the same for a lot of courses. Then it's independent study.
But you both want him to be working on the days not at college?
Is he nearly 18 ot just 17?
Has your son not got along with his dad for a while? Have you heard his side of what happened after his haircut?

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 08/06/2025 09:47

There must be more to this than not liking a hair cut and being rude to his Dad- both of which are so mild I can’t imagine a child going homeless to the streets with no money over.

You say he is lazy and won’t do anything, but then say goes to college PT and works PT which equals a FT schedule imho? Has he been labelled as the “lazy one” as you mention his older siblings were “a dream”? Does he struggle with self-motivation?

When he is home he is in bed on TikTok- so resting..,is the issue he isn’t doing any household chores? Is he shut up in his room because coming out means an argument with you or his Dad?

I do not agree that the ultimatum of come home tonight or never was a good move on the part of his Dad. You cannot just “be done” being a parent. I woulf rescind that and try and get him home or living somewhere safe. You are in therapy, but what about your son and his dad?

Gettingbysomehow · 08/06/2025 09:55

My son did this at 21 and disappeared for 6 months. I never did find out where he went.he was fine.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 08/06/2025 09:59

Big difference between 17 and 21

Original poster
Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:01

Sorry no he goes to college three days a week. The other days he does nothing. He’s supposed to get up and help with house work and he doesn’t do that. He just lies in bed.
He has a job in the holidays but he needs to book shifts in, he didn’t book any for half term so didn’t work. He said he can’t be bothered to work in the summer as it’s borning.
His dad takes him and pays for a hair cut for him and he didn’t get up the last one so he took him yesterday even though his dad wasn’t getting his done and he left and had a huge melt down at his dad as he didn’t like it. Then his dad lost the plot. I think it’s been a long time coming as I pander to him and husband doesn’t say anything just raises his eyebrows.

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 08/06/2025 10:03

Teenagers make rash decisions without thinking them through and although he is obviously causing stress I would ensure that he had a way to come back home or at least have a calm conversation with you and his dad. If he has no money then he is vulnerable and if I was you I would try and help him to find a way forwards.

Original poster
Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:04

I just feel sick. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Motnight · 08/06/2025 10:07

DrummingMousWife · 08/06/2025 09:37

He will be back once reality bites. You need to be in the ball with what conditions he needs to abide with to come home.

This. Teenagers can behave appallingly. And it isn't always the fault of the parents.

Let him run out of steam and calm down and then talk to him.

Original poster
Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:16

they had a huge row and his dad said if he’s not happy he can leave which is where this has come from. He said his dad told him to leave. He’s messaging me but said hes not coming home. That his dad hates him.

OP posts:
SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 08/06/2025 10:19

I think Dad owes him an apology, he shouldn’t have told DS to leave for being unhappy. Much better to sort out the source of the unhappiness.

Original poster
Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:25

@DrummingMousWife thats what my husband think. That he comes home and faces up to it and starts abiding by house rules. Son said he doesn’t want to that he’s not changing his ways for anyone

OP posts:
WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 08/06/2025 10:27

Has he always been like this? Are there any other issues going on? Is this completely out of the blue, or something that has been bubbling for some time? Do you know where he is?

Original poster
Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:29

He’s always been very highly strung and if you say anything he doesn’t like he blows. Tbh I’m to soft and his dad has been to soft as he wants the perfect relationship and I think it’s got to crisis point where everyone has said stuff they don’t mean. It’s been ongoing about him getting a job and I’ve been applying for him and he doesn’t even check his emails without me going on at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:30

He’s at a friends and he said he’s going to his gf. But her mom isn’t going to want him there eating her out of house and home and she’s a single mom and doesn’t have a job so it’s not like she can afford it anyhow

OP posts:
Fiver555 · 08/06/2025 10:32

Telling a 17 year old to leave home is rather less than kind. Particularly these days when the minimum wage is paid on a sliding scale depending on how old you are so as a 17 year old it's basically impossible to support yourself. You son needs to contact a charity that deals with helping to house estranged/displaced children. Because at 17 he is still a child.

JustGiveMeWineNow · 08/06/2025 10:36

Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:25

@DrummingMousWife thats what my husband think. That he comes home and faces up to it and starts abiding by house rules. Son said he doesn’t want to that he’s not changing his ways for anyone

Well if he is not changing his way for anyone that’s a bit concerning. Where is he going to get money to get a bed to lie in to watch tik tok.

I could not be handling that OP. Teens need to learn that lying on your arse is not going to pay the bills. Both my teens know that they can’t lie in bed all day. Older one has had the same job from 16.

He will be back when his mates are sick of him as it doesn’t really look like he can stand on his own to feet. Could one of his older siblings knock some sense into him.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 08/06/2025 10:37

Why are you and his Dad so fixated on him getting a job when he is still in education? Surely college is the priority?

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 08/06/2025 10:39

Lindz56 · 08/06/2025 10:29

He’s always been very highly strung and if you say anything he doesn’t like he blows. Tbh I’m to soft and his dad has been to soft as he wants the perfect relationship and I think it’s got to crisis point where everyone has said stuff they don’t mean. It’s been ongoing about him getting a job and I’ve been applying for him and he doesn’t even check his emails without me going on at him.

How is he at college? Does he apply himself , or also disinterested and lazy? Would there be different jobs he has more interest in ?

I presume you fund everything so he doesn’t actually need to work in order to socialise/treat himself?

bombastix · 08/06/2025 10:41

I’m sorry about this but honestly your son will cope for a few days until he realises he either has to climb down a bit or actually step up and really leave.

It will be the first one, and then everyone should have a conversation about how he plans to contribute more to the house while he’s living there. That’s really what the argument is about, not hair. I know he’s only 17 but if not addressed in more concrete terms it’s going to be 19, 21, then 23….

ThatHazelGuide · 08/06/2025 11:20

You both have parental responsibility towards your child until he is 18. That includes providing a place to live and food.

That's the law, because under 18's are deemed unable to do this for themselves.

Your husband has no right to be done!

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