Son left home after row

[Lindz56]

There has been an ongoing issue for months with DS, he is 17 and won’t do anything. He’s got a job in the holidays but in half term he didn’t even go to that as he forgot to book shifts apparently. I know I am too soft and always give in to keep the peace ( I am actually in therapy right now and trying to work on holding boundary’s)
he refuses to look for work he does nothing expect lie in bed and look at tik tok.
he left the salon and was rude to his dad about not like his hair and his dad totally lost his mind.
he is at xollege but only a couple of days a week. His Dad has let me lead the way for so long as he has an appalling relationship with his own father and didn’t want to have the same with his own son but my leading the way has caused it to fall down around me.
He’s left and apparent not coming back. He asked for money and I said no so god knows where he is. His dad said he has to come home today or not bother as he’s done with it. To be fair he’s right and I knew it would go to crap but I was trying to bluster him along with kindness.
He’s good in so many ways. Like he doesn’t come home late he always updates me where he is like he’s a good kid but he’s just lazy.
Dont know what I’m asking for really. I’m so tired and have a really stressful week ahead. I feel like it’s all gone to shit and he might never come home again but also if he does come home he needs to abide by new rules as mine clearly aren’t working.
he’s my third and my two older were just a dream tbh.

I think you and your husband probably need to adjust your expectations a bit. Your son sounds like a normal 17 year old. Your husband has pushed your son out. It's not very good.

I think you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about parenting, because at this point it sounds like you are both inconsistent and that the parenting is unequal and uneven.

Your husband needs to step up. He is does not get to be next to uninvolved and then kick his son out over a conflict. You need to stop trying to keep the peace.

You need to create a firm (but not too rigid) structure for what goes on in the house. Take into account that you will need to pick your battles and not everything (especially as your son is already 17) will be enforceable. You can however decide what to do about money, material things he wants/needs and access to internet. I think it would be good to make your son part of this discussion as well.

I hope things will work out okay for you all, but you need to start now, because you only have a limit amount of influence and time left where you can steer your son in the right direction.

Stop spoiling your son to make yourself feel good. Weak parenting = weak kids.

Sorry OP.

This is totally normal behaviour for 17 year old. Why does he need to work? If he doesn’t then he learns the consequences. You are only young and have no responsibilities once. My dc were same and wouldn’t get jobs and lazy at home but got top A level grades and went to good unis and eventually grew up and got jobs when they needed to or were motivated to eg to travel. He’s not on drugs, got MH issues or in trouble or dropped out college. That means he’s fine and you are doing a good job. Not having a job at 17 in college holidays doesn’t mean you will never have a work ethic. My dc had stacks of College work and just wanted downtime in holidays. I didn’t give them extra money that was a trade off they chose. He’s a good kid, keeps you informed and goes to college there’s plenty of parents would want what you have. Your dh needs to read a parenting teen book and ride out the storm. 1 more year and he will be through puberty and back to being a lovely human. If he’s polite and helpful when he’s at his mates houses with their parents that’s honestly a better barometer of who he is than what he’s like at home at 17.

He is lazy at college too he barely goes in to be honest. As above it’s totally my fault. I’ve babied him and pandered to him and he’s never faced any consequences. Hence now he’s so shocked when he dad bowls and says something needs to change.

Op I actually understand how these situations happen.

I see with my own parenting that being soft just leads eventually to me or my husband exploding with irritation at our ungrateful kids - is that what has happened here?

You have not had clear boundaries or expectations - you keep giving and giving to try and have a good relationship - but all your son has learnt is that he doesn't have to do anything or be a grown up

Of course you shouldn't give a 17 y ear old money if he has an offer of work and thinks it's boring. Of course he should not be anything other than really really grateful if his dad pays for his haircut.

but this is all infantalising stuff - he should be encouraged to make his way in the world. If he wants a haircut he should go to work!

I came from an aggressive angry house where everyone argued and I thought I was doing gentle parenting, I mean I was when they were small but obviously I’ve fucked up and created this mess.

The solution to this is not for his dad to go in all guns blazing and issuing ultimatums - that's just one extreme to the other. Calm and measured is the way to go. And pick your battles.