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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS15 devastated as not included in football squad for next year

38 replies

FootieSadness · 07/06/2025 15:13

This is my first ever post on Mumsnet despite having found so much good advice on here over the years. I'm just wondering whether anyone has any advice for this situtation as feel like I can't talk about it with local friends without compromising my son's privacy.

My son got a late start with football but quickly became VERY in to it about year 2 and we found a new team that was being started in year 3 that he could join. He did really well for a long time on that team, but as the boys got older, he started being really reticent on the pitch - skillful, but really reluctant to be physical or challenge for the ball. I've always been amazed at how he has been able to play in different places and against different teams week on week as he has ASD and does struggle with new situations and people, although he has a good group of friends and manages day to day ok at a big secondary school.

With this first team, eventually the coaches started to get really frustrated with him - as he was good in training and playing against other boys in the squad, but also so much more reactive/reticent in matches. They started playing him a lot less (along with 1 or 2 other boys) and started yelling at him a lot during matches. We found a different team for him to play on in a lower division, and he has been there for a couple of years, but today the coaches have said that he can only continue on that team for the last year as part of training only and not playing in matches. He is devastated. I feel like this huge part of his routine for getting outside, being healthy, getting some sport etc has been taken away (he is too humiliated I think to continue as training only) and I don't know how to fill that gap. He is really obsessed with football generally, facts, stats, supporting both a local and national team avidly, and it feels like his whole special interest has been taken away from him.

A long slightly boring post I'm sorry - but I just feel at a total loss and don't know how to help him. Is there any other way for boys to be able to still play football in a different way (in the UK - not from here originally so not that sure of how these things work)? I'm so worried now that he is going to turn into a boy that just games in his room all weekend. It's so hard to suggest things to him as his ASD does make him very single minded and stubborn sometimes. Any experience/advice would be so helpful.

OP posts:

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:17

Say he has scraped in Op…. It would have begun to seriously dent his confidence as other team mates and the coach all aware he wasn’t up to the team came down on him hard.

This is quite seriously competitive at this age. there’s no “everyone’s a winner”

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:18

I’m sorry op

what about he join a much more casual Saturday morning local team. A “dad” heavy older team may welcome him with open arms and he’d be the star of the team!

Snorlaxo · 07/06/2025 15:18

Are there lower division teams where the players might be more like him in match ability ?

Megifer · 07/06/2025 15:22

Junior football is absolutely brutal op, a lot of people, coaches included, seem to forget it's not the Premier League IME. Sad really.

GreenWheat · 07/06/2025 15:23

Selective league football can be really tough in that respect. Do you have Little League near you? They usually drop off after U14, but some have a 15-18 section with no trials etc. Or as a PP said, there might be an adult team he could play on if he's already near adult size.

TeenToTwenties · 07/06/2025 15:25

Could he learn to referee?
That way he gets the exercise and still be involved without having to get so stuck in.

BSky4 · 07/06/2025 15:35

Sorry your son has experienced this. Try another team - ethos and culture varies a lot. I’m sure there will be a team your son can join where he will be welcomed and feel valued. We had players de-moralised in other teams join my sons team and became successful player who enjoyed footie again. Sometimes a change is good. People thrive in different environments /different managers.

Do any of his school friends okay for teams you can enquire about?

Mightyhike · 07/06/2025 15:46

Can he move to a less competitive club or a lower team within the same club? I have two teen boys who play football and unfortunately it's not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen but there will be other teams needing players.

waterrat · 07/06/2025 16:45

OP I'm really sorry to hear this - my son plays football and I've found the way boys are just put aside if not the right fit agonisingly painful to watch at times!

My son has had terrible moments of being left out/ not picked - I've seen it happen to weaker players as well - the adults involve in football seem to forget many of the important parts of sport are about enjoyment and personal growth for the kids involved. IN fact they seem to forget these are children.

First things first - are there speciifc reasons the coach says he can't play? Not good enough or behaviour issues?

Can the coach make any suggestions about how he can keep playing?

I would start calling around local teams - is there a lower level team? Is there a youth club with football attached?

Could he take up another sport?

But there is no easy answer here Op I think it's so mean to leave a kid out - but it does get harder as they get older.

and totally hear your wories about him being left gaming all weekend.

are there any local neurodiverrse or au=tism support grouups who might know of more inclusive sport?

converseandjeans · 07/06/2025 16:48

Agree about reffing (though that can also be a bit brutal). Also could he start following a local team & get into that.
There should be a lower division team he can get matches too. But he will be U16 next season so it’s last season. I think once junior football is over he will have more choices actually as he can join a men’s team or a casual 5-aside.
Could he train but on match day do some comms & media stuff on the team? Not sure if he’s into that side of things?
It’s rubbish situation whatever really.

Stopsnowing · 07/06/2025 16:54

clubs vary. There is one near mean that is inclusive with lower standards and several where it is very competitive. Try to find an inclusive one or find a community one where he can help the coaches with younger age groups.

LIZS · 07/06/2025 16:55

Or perhaps helping coach younger squads?

Livelovebehappy · 07/06/2025 16:57

My ds had similar experience but only on going into open age football. Playing junior football is OK but once open age it does get more aggressive as there are adults who play dirtier football. My ds hated the aggressive play but still loved playing. He too was dropped at 18 and was pretty sad about it. But if their personality is such that they can't play football that way there's not a lot you can do unfortunately. Does he like any other sport? Or maybe find a five aside indoor team where it's a bit better? My son plays cricket now but I know he misses football hugely.

powershowerforanhour · 07/06/2025 17:03

Has he got a good set of shin guards? We had to play hockey in school PE lessons, I didn't have shin guards and I found myself stepping out of tackles often even though I'm physically reasonably brave in other ways. If he's getting studded in the legs it's pretty off putting.

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 17:06

He wouldn’t have been allowed to play without them @powershowerforanhour

WanderingWisteria · 07/06/2025 17:15

Is he Yr10 (so playing U16 level next year) or Yr11 (so playing U18 level next yesr)? If U18, there will inevitably be a big mix up of players across clubs in the same way that there can be when they moved to 11 a side or 9 a side.
If u16, then I think the first thing to ask the coach is why has he made this decision. Regardless of whether you can change the coach’s mind, I think that, as others have suggested, it is worth looking around for a lower league club and finding a slot for your DS. I imagine that there will be a lot of clubs who will be delighted to have him.

powershowerforanhour · 07/06/2025 17:17

Thanks, I'm showing my age a bit there!
If he's fast would tag rugby appeal?

RightOnTheEdge · 07/06/2025 17:25

That's really sad for him OP.
Both my kids ds12 and dd14 play football.
It does get very physical as they get older. The coaches are always shouting at players who back out of challenges and shouting at the teams to battle for the ball.

If you Google football teams for teens with autism a lot of results come up. There might be something suitable near you.

Original poster

FootieSadness · 07/06/2025 17:27

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 15:17

Say he has scraped in Op…. It would have begun to seriously dent his confidence as other team mates and the coach all aware he wasn’t up to the team came down on him hard.

This is quite seriously competitive at this age. there’s no “everyone’s a winner”

Yes I totally see this side to it. This is what worries me about joining another team too - I don't want him to feel worse about himself!

OP posts:

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 17:29

FootieSadness · 07/06/2025 17:27

Yes I totally see this side to it. This is what worries me about joining another team too - I don't want him to feel worse about himself!

Show quote history

As I say, a casual local Saturday type set up. Older players. He will be regarded as the speedy young one!

greenrainandyeetotal · 07/06/2025 17:32

What about

5 a side
if you can afford it 1 to 1 training sessions with a pro or private football coach
walking football(but this is generally for older people)

Original poster

FootieSadness · 07/06/2025 17:35

waterrat · 07/06/2025 16:45

OP I'm really sorry to hear this - my son plays football and I've found the way boys are just put aside if not the right fit agonisingly painful to watch at times!

First things first - are there speciifc reasons the coach says he can't play? Not good enough or behaviour issues?

Can the coach make any suggestions about how he can keep playing?

I would start calling around local teams - is there a lower level team? Is there a youth club with football attached?

Could he take up another sport?

But there is no easy answer here Op I think it's so mean to leave a kid out - but it does get harder as they get older.

and totally hear your wories about him being left gaming all weekend.

are there any local neurodiverrse or au=tism support grouups who might know of more inclusive sport?

In this case the coaches have become quite fixated on playing in one division up from where they are at and are I think trying to get rid of players who just aren't as consistent in match play. We've had this feedback before so I don't think we can change it. I can see how it is frustrating for coaches, when they see someone who seems to make less effort in matches vs training.

He does like racket sports but had another bad experience with a tennis coach years ago which really put him off (shouting), but thinking maybe badminton or even squash. He just loves football so much, it's so hard to reroute his enthusiasm.

Definitely going to do some extensive googling of other types of leagues/autism-friendly although there doesn't seem to be huge provision local to us.

OP posts:

Original poster

FootieSadness · 07/06/2025 17:38

WanderingWisteria · 07/06/2025 17:15

He is year 10 - U16 next year. I think we knew that this would be the last year he'd be playing in the current set-up it is just really disappointing that he won't be able to. In the lower divisions there are very few teams local to us so we'd have to think about logistics of trying to get him to training etc. I am looking though.

OP posts:

Original poster

FootieSadness · 07/06/2025 17:39

powershowerforanhour · 07/06/2025 17:17

Thanks, I'm showing my age a bit there!
If he's fast would tag rugby appeal?

Definitely taking suggestions of any other sports he could try! No idea about tag rugby but will have a look!

OP posts:

Fingerpie · 07/06/2025 17:40

FootieSadness · 07/06/2025 17:39

Definitely taking suggestions of any other sports he could try! No idea about tag rugby but will have a look!

Show quote history

Thing is op… anyone playing rugby at this age will have been playing for years and will be good

what about badminton? Table tennis?

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