DS15 devastated as not included in football squad for next year

[FootieSadness]

This is my first ever post on Mumsnet despite having found so much good advice on here over the years. I'm just wondering whether anyone has any advice for this situtation as feel like I can't talk about it with local friends without compromising my son's privacy.

My son got a late start with football but quickly became VERY in to it about year 2 and we found a new team that was being started in year 3 that he could join. He did really well for a long time on that team, but as the boys got older, he started being really reticent on the pitch - skillful, but really reluctant to be physical or challenge for the ball. I've always been amazed at how he has been able to play in different places and against different teams week on week as he has ASD and does struggle with new situations and people, although he has a good group of friends and manages day to day ok at a big secondary school.

With this first team, eventually the coaches started to get really frustrated with him - as he was good in training and playing against other boys in the squad, but also so much more reactive/reticent in matches. They started playing him a lot less (along with 1 or 2 other boys) and started yelling at him a lot during matches. We found a different team for him to play on in a lower division, and he has been there for a couple of years, but today the coaches have said that he can only continue on that team for the last year as part of training only and not playing in matches. He is devastated. I feel like this huge part of his routine for getting outside, being healthy, getting some sport etc has been taken away (he is too humiliated I think to continue as training only) and I don't know how to fill that gap. He is really obsessed with football generally, facts, stats, supporting both a local and national team avidly, and it feels like his whole special interest has been taken away from him.

A long slightly boring post I'm sorry - but I just feel at a total loss and don't know how to help him. Is there any other way for boys to be able to still play football in a different way (in the UK - not from here originally so not that sure of how these things work)? I'm so worried now that he is going to turn into a boy that just games in his room all weekend. It's so hard to suggest things to him as his ASD does make him very single minded and stubborn sometimes. Any experience/advice would be so helpful.

Ha Ha.

If he is reticent to get stuck in, in a match, and doesn't like being shouted at, I really don't think becoming a referee is going to work.

He is really obsessed with football generally, facts, stats, supporting both a local and national team avidly, and it feels like his whole special interest has been taken away from him

There is no reason at all for him to stop following / supporting teams though. That hasn't been taken away from him at all.
Indeed, not playing, frees up time to get involved supporting a local, lower league team.

I think part of the issue for him is that every tackle is a type of social interaction with another player that he doesn't know who it is going to turn out, if you see what I mean. It's hard to explain but I think that is where he really struggles. Sometimes a player will do something that really makes him angry - a foul or kicking him or whatever, pulling his shirt, and suddenly he will play very physically and aggressively for the rest of the match. Of course, then the coaches are really pleased with him but it is also then really apparent when he then doesn't play like that the rest of the time!

I think five-a-side would suit him really well from that perspective. But I'm guessing those don't really start at his age but more once juniors finishes?

Yes what we've seen over the years has been frankly shocking - not just with my own kids but lots of other teams/friends kids etc. In a country where everyone is worried about kids being indoors too much etc - there should be chances for kids of every ability level to be out there playing at every age. Also have a lot of respect for all the volunteers so I can't blame them if they suddenly want to change priorities/players but just seems so sad really that it comes down to that, when no one is going to be playing professional football at this point.

Yes I would not really want him to ref - regardless of his personality I've been really scared for some refs on occasion!

He does already avidly support a local lower league team, and yes I'm being a bit dramatic that it has been taken away from - I know that side of it hasn't. He just also loves playing so much, and he is good at it, just not in all the ways you need to be I guess to keep playing at this age. At least locally to us.

I do agree Op that there is a sad lack of opportunity for kids of all ages to play without feeling the constant competitive pressure to be 'picked' etc and being pushed out of teams. I've found it so sad how some kids have been treated in the years i've been watching.

There needs to be a lot more 'social' football - I suppose the only answer here is to speak to as many people as you can locally and raelly try and find out if such a set up exists - or if other parents/ adults/ coaches would set something up if not.

It's really hard when kids get so little chance to exercise as well - but would he consider something like climbing that is more individual? I think it's popular with autistic kids.

re the lower league team - would they have any sort of local set up for kids? sometimes these teams do community work - could he volunteer there on match days to make frriends/ get out more?

a really random thought - if you live in an area with a lot of refugees and migrants - there will be lots of teens/ young adults who may be waiting for asylum etc - often charities/ groups helping young refugees have social things like football he could join one like that? (I used to volunteer a lot with migrants so I know this is the sort of thing where you might find more of a mixed bunch of people doing sport as a fun activity)

They are usually very keen for 'integration' with local people so I think any young person who wanted to either volunteer or just come and join it would be welcomed.

maybe worth a google of your local refugee support groups and reach out to them.

sorry if that sounds really random! Just something I know about from past experience.

I think the idea a PP suggested that he could be a volunteer coach assistant for a younger team was a good one. Just until he's old enough to join a more relaxed men's game.

Do try and ask around about different teams - maybe I’m biased as my sons have had a few different managers and they really set the tone. One manager totally demoralised my eldest and some others in his team with his competitive/bullish approach. But a new manager totally changed the culture. Both have on the whole had managers that are really inclusive, fair in terms of play time and boosted confidence and skills of all players.

It’s such a shame if he enjoys it so much - just depends on how many teams are around and if you can one that is still aspirant but focused on the team approach not just about winning leagues. It’s difficult from around 14 when the games gets more physical and kids develop at different rates. Lots of kids can be reticent to get stuck in but that can change when they feel more confident. If you find a good coach maybe a couple of 1:1 skills or with a few friends other team members he feels comfortable with?

Not random at all - that sounds like a lovely thing to do. It’s not very immigration friendly round here but I’m going to do some googling.

Yes I do think there is mileage in this idea. I think friends of friends run teams for younger kids so I’m going to look into this!

Has he ever tried Bouldering (indoor climbing without ropes)?

If he likes racket sports is there a padel club near you? It’s really easy to pick up and incredibly social

OP there is a team for everyone and the team he is in just isn’t it.

It’s really hard when a coach is pushing for Division 1. Our local area has 9 divisions, JPL and a cat 4 and cat 1 academy so there really is a team for everyone.

Ask the coach if he can recommend a local team as coaches tend to talk and they will know who needs players. Do this sooner rather than later before the squads are confirmed for next season as each team has limited numbers.

Nothing you have said surprises me nor is it unusual even though it feels personal. Sounds like maybe your son has been playing in a team at a higher level than where he is at and that’s perfectly fine. Kids develop at different rates.

Move him for his confidence and maximise game time.