Breakfast with teens

[Flyhigher]

Do your teens insist on breakfast alone?

I get ordered out of the kitchen as she wants breakfast alone. Is this normal??

op you can’t be seriously asking this

and if you comply, then you are utterly indulging this nonsense and actually failing your child…. What chance do they have in becoming a decent adult if they’ve been allowed to think this is acceptable me as a teen.

Parent up. Sharpish.

Of course it isn't. She doesn't get to order you out of your own kitchen. Ignore her and carry on or ask when she bought exclusive rights to the kitchen. Or tell her she doesn't get to be rude and try to bully people who love her. Find the best way to get the message across.

My teen doesn't get to order me anywhere! What on earth?

No, this is not normal. My first thought is a possible eating disorder? Why else would your teen not want you to see them eat? What are they like at other meals? What's their weight like?

I am neurodivergent and I remember as a child and teenager, hating eating in front of anyone including my family. I’m not sure why, it just feels wrong to have someone watching me eat (even if they’re not watching). I’m quite clumsy and an probably not an attractive eater, maybe that’s why 😂

anyway my eldest son who is autistic never wanted to eat at the table and for a while, when I was with my partner he made my son eat with us all and I agreed because that’s what I thought was right. Then I left my partner as he was an abusive arse and I realised that it’s cruel to force someone to sit at a table because ‘manners’, when they’re actually really uncomfortable with it and sitting there looking really sad and hiding their face behind their hair. So now he eats in his room. No big deal, he’s happier and so am I as I know he’s comfortable.

it could also be an eating disorder though and I don’t think she should be ordering you about, then again if she’s neurodivergent she might be coming across badly as she’s unable to express why exactly she wants to be left alone (she might not even know,tbf).

Ds certainly does not order us out of the kitchen but he does like quiet time when he wakes up to have a coffee or breakfast. I respect that he is not that chatty first thing and let him get in with it however he is never rude.

Is it that she wants to eat alone specifically or that she wants peace & quiet in the mornings? My teen DD is not a morning person and hates being expected to speak or be spoken to for at least the first half hour she is up. She gets up first, takes herself downstairs & cooks her breakfast and generally pootles about. If I go down and she’s about to eat, she will take her food outside or into another room. At first, I used to try and be extra cheerful to get her to engage but then clicked that it was a not morning person thing and realised that was even worse for her so now, if I’m in the kitchen then (and I’m often not as it’s when I’m in the shower etc), I wear my headphones as a sign I’m not expecting anything from her and wait for her to speak. I’ve always been fine in the mornings so find it slightly odd but have had enough experience of flatmates over the years who just couldn’t properly engage first thing in the morning to know it’s a thing.
I have no concerns about DD’s eating as one of the things she does whilst she’s coming round is cook herself breakfast. She also eats with us in the evenings and at weekends.

I really hope you don’t comply with this “order”?!

My two are both neurodivergent and prefer eating separately, they don't order anyone out of the kitchen but frequently take their food elsewhere to eat. One of them is totally not a morning person, like @WanderingWisteria I have learned over the years that it is pointless trying to engage in anything other than essential conversation in the first hour or so. She is delightful later in the day, it's not really rudeness, if she does cross that line we discuss it later. They are fine if we eat out or go to someone else's house but do tend to disappear to the loo at times for a break.

Depends why she’s saying that. Does she feel criticised by how she makes or eats her breakfast. Do you talk a lot and nag? Some people need more time to wake to and get ready for the day. I’d focus on whys she’s saying it.

We all eat breakfast at different times so everyone eats alone!

Thanks. Yes. I think it’s this. I do find it really strange. I hated it for many years and still do.
I engage first thing. But I’m not a night owl.
your post has helped a lot. She has a much bigger night engine than I do. So maybe it’s that.

My DD doesn’t eat breakfast. My son, when visiting (he’s 21 now bit it was the same when younger), likes to cook his own high protein egg concoction and basically it would be eaten before he even got to the table.
But when my DD is back from uni she likes to eat lunch alone. I’m fine with that. We eat dinner together and I know how much I value my ‘alone’ time so can understand why she wants to.

I found it hard too, I like a bit of time to myself in the mornings but once anyone else appears I like to chat, my brain is fully in gear from the moment I wake up. DD is the opposite and just can't engage. I give her lifts in the mornings and it has been hard for me to not be able to chat in the car but she does make up for it later in the day.

I guess I’ve lived with my husband so long and gone on holiday with friends who are all morning people. That I’m just not ready for this.

Sorry what? Ordered out of the kitchen?

No.... if you're in a public space in the house, then other people can be there. If you're a slow starter (like my youngest) then we'll just leave you alone for 20 minutes or so though, until you're actually awake and able to speak/properly open your eyes 😁

she'd probably like to but realistically it's not possible but we all know it's best not to talk to her until she's eaten in a morning!

This is a relating to other people problem and a problem in her perception of you and herself.

It's a problem of boundaries, at a fundamental level. She doesn't have the boundaries she should have.

Night owl/ early bird, breakfast/lunch/dinner - all completely irrelevant here.

Your daughter doesn't get to dictate to other people what room they may occupy.

Explain that to her, and do not comply with any other diktat she issues.

Fuck no.

Should either of my teens try and 'order' me to do something then they'd learn the error of their ways pretty bloody quickly.

It's rude and unreasonable to order you out of the kitchen so she can eat - if she wants to be alone she could eat somewhere else, ideally her room.

I do ask people to leave me alone to cook (so I can move around the smallish kitchen without people in my way, and listen to the radio) but generally I'm cooking for everyone. I'd leave my teen DD alone to cook if she asked as I can relate to that, and I generally stay out of the kitchen if she's cooking with her friends, but I would take a dim view of being ordered to leave. Especially at breakfast time when everyone is in and out of the kitchen getting things.

I wouldn't have a problem with the eating alone (as long as she seems to be eating well), just the bossiness (and before anyone starts yes I do call males bossy too)

She did ask me to leave so she can cook her breakfast. It was more of a - tell me you aren’t going to cook your breakfast at the same time as any annoy me this morning for no reason.

what does that count as?

Ummm. —- that doesn’t work with her.
she gets anxious/ angry.

No, breakfast is help yourself from upper primary school in my house but if someone else is in the kitchen tough!

I wouldn’t push back in the moment but maybe ask her the best time she is engaging what it’s about.

might be a preference instead of a demand and you could maybe be a little accommodating.