Help needed with 13 yo DS and porn

[ThatMum73]

Like most teenagers ds has a smart phone. I limit the time he has on it and within that I limit his time on various apps. I am very aware that most of his friends seem to have much greater freedom with regards to phone usage and trying to strike a balance between what I think is best and isolating him from his friends.

At virtually every opportunity ds attempts to access porn. I have tried talking to him but it's a total waste of time, his hormones have kicked in and he wants to see sexually explicit images. Due to the controls on his phone he can't see any real content so has started looking at ai generated content of cartoon/ video game characters with very exaggerated features in various poses. I'm concerned that these images, while just animation, are shaping his views on women and sex and not in a positive way! One image had comically sized breasts, wrists bound and a gag ball.

I do understand that he's interested in sex but does anyone have any suggestions for where I can look for some more information about what I should be doing? I am not looking for porn links etc. I have been on Mumsnet for years but have changed my name for this thread. I'm my youth boys were lucky if they found a playboy magazine, that feels quite innocent now compared to what's available!

I have no idea what the answer is here. My DS is 16 and has asked for help to not access it so we have all his passwords and all screen time limit codes etc. What does your son say when you bring it up?

At 13 we had a no tech in bedroom rule which helped.

it is so insidious though and I feel for them. When we were growing up you actively had to seek it out - now it’s at the touch of a button.

Are you able to use any kind of safe search blocking? Am no expert but I think there are ways to restrict what content you can look up- probably not 100% but better than nothing.
We limit screen time, no tech upstairs and keep an eye on what websites they’re accessing. It’s so difficult to get it right.

This is such a nightmare for this generation. It’s almost impossible to avoid it. I read yesterday that children first see porn through social media platforms like Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram. so it is just everywhere

and I must say also that if anyone has an apple phone the “limit adult websites” section of the screen times controls, makes no difference really

You said you tried to talk to him. What does he say? Why is he looking for it? What is he looking for ? Is it curiosity? Sexual urges he doesn’t know what to do with? Something else?

Just prevent him having internet access, take his phone away if you need to. Get another device for at home to do homework on and set your home internet filters up to stop all that sort of content. He is 13 and far too young to be accessing this material. You sound very passive about it, he's 13 and you are in charge.

I am absolutely not passive about it which is why I am seeking advice from here. As I said there has to be a balance. We have a really good relationship at present, and can comfortably discuss his interest in porn, amongst other things. Several things I read have said that just removing a phone altogether leads to other problems. We're all attached to our phones, I would hate mine to be taken away, particularly when I was a teen (I'm guessing, didn't actually get a smartphone until I was 33!) so that threat/ punishment just creates secrecy to stop it being enforced. I don't want him to not talk to me because he fears I'll take his phone.

We have all the safe search filters in place so he can't see 'traditional' porn but I think because these are cartoon images they slip through. If you use AI chat that comes with a note that there should be parental guidance but anyone can use it and it can turn very explicit, very quickly. I need a way to explain to him how damaging porn use is but at 13 his brain is too immature to understand. Libre2 would you mind telling me, either here or DM, how your ds reached the conclusion he wanted help?

Untery average age a child first sees porn is now 9 thanks to the internet. It is truly is shocking and virtually nothing be done about it by those that can do something (govt, Google, meta etc)

When DS and I have spoken he says that he wants to look at women because it's normal 'at his age', other boys are doing the same. I have tried explaining that it's not real and he says he understands that but maintains it's normal to want to access pictures of women.

I can sort of see his pov. While I am anti porn I think since the dawn of time the male population has been interested in seeing women (or men) naked/ in suggestive poses. I think it is natural to be curious and in my day many boys gawped at the page 3 girl which all seems very innocent now in comparison. I'm just not sure how to progress so that he grows up a) with a healthy view of women and sex b) doesn't end up with an addiction

Thank you everyone for responding. It feels very lonely trying to tackle this

Oh Op huge sympathies

I think a lot of the people who don't uderstand this are just naive about phones/ the bloody evil that they are and how hard to control. Good for you for attempting to control it.

I actually work in an online safety related field and had a long conversation with a senior police officer who sees the sharp end of kids watching porn too young (complex mess as leads to often watching illegal images) - he said you can't stop them seeing it but you can stop them being addicted to it by blocking it in every possible way. He said that's all tht is available now to parents. el

Is it possible to just accept he will see some images like this - keep talking (which I think it's amazing you are doing) - and control the actual access to the phone (which I know how f-ing hard that is myself) - make a deal the phone is never in his room overnight/ try to keep it out of the room

I have not won this battle (currently trying to re impose controls that he has managed to overcome) its a nightmare

you sound like a great mum for facing this head on

I have tried talking to my 13 yr old sons friends parentrs about this and vast maority literally don't want to think about any of it and just turn a blind eye

btw Op just re-reading your post I think it's incredible you can have these conversatrions openly wth him and that you are challenging him in this way. really admirable.

we are being fucked over by big tech and I think within a few years will look back ( I hope) in astonishment that we gave 11 year olds smartphones

It’s so hard to control it. People who say “well it’s up to you to manage it as you are the parent” I think must be completely naive and clueless to how ingrained it is everywhere. We can only do our best to restrict it . I do sometimes wish I had homeschooled and not given them phones. Going to state school without a smart phone is pretty much impossible. The teaches just expect them to have phones which access the internet , they ask them to use them in class sometimes. To set up quizzes, or watch some informative YouTube video. Or to access google classroom. Etc it is just expected that you will have a smart phone

We have this. Incl that awful manga and anime stuff.
DS is same age.
I’ve just blocked it all.

we have had a chat about it. And still do from time to time.
for a few months I removed the internet from his phone completely.

then I put it back on but this time he is only allowed access to specified websites. Like bbc. National geographic. Etc.

he has timed access. If he wants more time he has to ask.

he has no social media excl WhatsApp and that is also on timed access.

it helps he is at a private school and they have banned phones there.

we have also had the convo about rhe impact of porn on growing brains.

he knows all of this. But if given access he would be on Pornhub Only fans and chatterbate all the time.

I guess it is natural. At this age I had read all the Jilly cooper books. And whatever else I could get my hands on at the local library.

what shocked me is how accessible porn is. Now and that worries me.

other than blocking the stuff on his phone I can’t do any more.

I am concerned his father his not taking it seriously and not enforcing the same restrictions on his chrome book but I can only do what I can do.

Interested In what has worked for others.

I worry about when they get older. My eldest is almost 16 and there comes a time when restrictions are no longer appropriate. Certainly by 18. But surely there will still be quite a desire to watch this stuff . And it is so addictive. It really is terrifying

Look into giffgaff, adult content is automatically blocked until you show over 18 age identification to unlock access.

Don’t normalise I feel like you are. This would be a red line for me, no it’s not normal. It’s exploitative, these women are trafficked and raped. You are not watching it, and I’ll get rid of your phone. It’s a big fucking deal.

Presumably you have some form of blocking on your home internet connection? Your ISP should offer this? Also his SIM is registered as a child SIM? - this also blocks adult content.

I have set both my phone and my children’s to the setting which blocks 18+ sites using my o2 account. It’s seems pretty ineffective- I can still access onlyfans for instance

this would be a whole different conversation if your son was say, 17. Or even 16.

Your actual issue is that he is 13. He’s a young boy and whereas it’s totally normal for all his hormones to be waking up , it’s your literal job to protect him at the moment from viewing explicit and adult content.

So it doesn’t matter really what his mates do or how you want to keep him being open with you. That’s great - but your issue in hand is you have no option but to block his access to it all, in whatever way possible. If he can’t be trusted with a phone, then he can’t be trusted

To allow him to view it at his age is a big failing on your part if you allow it to continue. And I’ve been there with dealing with teen boys - except my son is 18 now. It’s never easy but you’d be so negligent to let this to continue

@Unteryis o2 your ISP? Who provides home Wi-Fi, they should also offer a blocking service

I have had similar with ds. He voluntarily blocked it and stopped looking after dd ranted at him anojt it being addictive and a gateway. I did consider getting some old school soft porn magazines for him to look at.

This actually isn’t a terrible idea 🤣

For everyone that has suggested I am negligent, I am not, as others have also highlighted, no blocks/ filters are 100% effective. Things do slip through, the only option is to totally remove internet access, which isn't always possible as schools expect children to have a smartphone with working internet

Also, I am not normalising porn usage. I have already stated I am anti-porn. I am normalising that a boy entering puberty is curious about seeing naked bodies and I won't shame him for that. My DC know that when they make mistakes they can always speak to me, I am not about to force them into secrecy by blanket banning phone use or by telling them that their behaviour disgusts me

O2 is for the internet on the phone. Our WiFi also has restrictions for adult content. But loads seem to still get through. I doubt that for instance Instagram or Snapchat adult content is filtered at all via these. It’s only the adult websites themselves

waterrat when he was at primary I knew a lot of parents but now he's a secondary with new friends I have very little contact with friends parents. And given what I hear from ds, they either don't know or don't care about what their child is watching and won't appreciate me giving my view! Thank you for your post. I agree completely, smartphones need to be at least 16+ although for things like porn I expect we're just moving the problem. It absolutely has to be harder to access

That is a really, really weak reason to give a child a smartphone. They absolutely do not need a smartphone to access education.

I don't think anybody is in any doubt about how pervasive internet pornography is, but at 13 the simple fact is that he does not have the means to buy a smartphone for himself or to access the internet. That is something that OP has chosen to allow. And, as proven by the need to start the thread in the first place, giving an immature, hormonal boy who is discovering sexual feelings and urges a device which has the ability to access pornography (amongst other harmful content) is obviously going to put him at risk.

By far, the most effective way for parents to protect a child from the harms of internet pornography is to not give them a smartphone. That's not to say there aren't other avenues such as viewing material on friends' phones etc, but in terms of things which are inside your control, this is the biggie.

And to answer the other question that keeps being asked, we're with Sky who, to their credit, automatically block that stuff. I think you have to make a rather shameful phonecall to unblock it, meaning since we switched to them noone in house has been able to access pornhub etc, not that either DH or I were anyway but I think Sky should be praised for making not being able to access this stuff the default

However, as I am sick of saying, stuff does get through, especially the cartoon images, which is what I'm currently concerned about

Fargo many schools do expect children to have smart phones to access education but I accept that school should offer an alternative if a child doesn't have one. However, all children communicate by WhatsApp/ Snapchat etc so not having a smartphone makes them very isolated and that I'm itself causes problems with children missing out on meet ups and inside jokes at a time of life when friends are more important than family