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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Help needed with 13 yo DS and porn

53 replies

ThatMum73 · 30/05/2025 03:07

Like most teenagers ds has a smart phone. I limit the time he has on it and within that I limit his time on various apps. I am very aware that most of his friends seem to have much greater freedom with regards to phone usage and trying to strike a balance between what I think is best and isolating him from his friends.

At virtually every opportunity ds attempts to access porn. I have tried talking to him but it's a total waste of time, his hormones have kicked in and he wants to see sexually explicit images. Due to the controls on his phone he can't see any real content so has started looking at ai generated content of cartoon/ video game characters with very exaggerated features in various poses. I'm concerned that these images, while just animation, are shaping his views on women and sex and not in a positive way! One image had comically sized breasts, wrists bound and a gag ball.

I do understand that he's interested in sex but does anyone have any suggestions for where I can look for some more information about what I should be doing? I am not looking for porn links etc. I have been on Mumsnet for years but have changed my name for this thread. I'm my youth boys were lucky if they found a playboy magazine, that feels quite innocent now compared to what's available!

OP posts:
LunaTheCat · 31/05/2025 17:08

You sound like an amazing Mum… the fact that you are talking with him openly and without shame is amazing!
Keep talking. Block as much as you can.
I also wonder where his Dad is in all of this… his Dad needs to model really healthy masculinity. His Dad also needs to be having these conversations.
Have you watched “adolescence “ with him … really good place to start.

wizzbitt · 31/05/2025 17:11

Yes Fargo79! State schools are not expecting children to have phones in school or use them in class. Certainly not the ones where I am - Brighton and Hove. Infact many have signed up to the Smart Phone free movement and are in favour of children getting smart phones at 14. My DS is starting Yr 7 next year and the schools I visited were very clear in their no phones in school policy. And the consequences of having it out during the school day. Of course this doesn’t mean that the kids will listen! It’s the same in his current school where plenty of his year 6 peers secret their phones to the toilet and in the playground.
My DS doesn’t have a smartphone but plenty of his peers do and while he tells me of the silly and funny things he watches he doesn’t tell me about any inappropriate or adult content he has seen - which I’m sure he has.

Unfortunately I have no answers but am following with interest. It’s great you have an open relationship with your son OP, mine tells me nothing 🙁

Untery · 31/05/2025 17:12

Fargo79 · 31/05/2025 16:53

That is a really, really weak reason to give a child a smartphone. They absolutely do not need a smartphone to access education.

I don't think anybody is in any doubt about how pervasive internet pornography is, but at 13 the simple fact is that he does not have the means to buy a smartphone for himself or to access the internet. That is something that OP has chosen to allow. And, as proven by the need to start the thread in the first place, giving an immature, hormonal boy who is discovering sexual feelings and urges a device which has the ability to access pornography (amongst other harmful content) is obviously going to put him at risk.

By far, the most effective way for parents to protect a child from the harms of internet pornography is to not give them a smartphone. That's not to say there aren't other avenues such as viewing material on friends' phones etc, but in terms of things which are inside your control, this is the biggie.

Show quote history

I am curious do you have a child over the age of 13 who you have made the decision to not give them a smart phone? And do they go to school in the uk? This is a genuinely curious question , I am not meaning to be argumentative. It’s just I know literally nobody who has actually done this. There is one boy in my older sons years group who wasn’t allowed a phone until 14 but he was very much the outlier and apparently he struggled socially because of this

PillarToPostage · 31/05/2025 18:14

porn terrifies me, I’m a single mum and have a son who’s 12 and whilst he doesn’t have a phone at the moment and he isn’t seemingly interested in it yet, I’m not naive to think it will stay this way. So many studies show how addictive and harmful it is to pre teens and teens. There is a correlation between porn usage at a young age and misogyny later on in life. I don’t have any answers OP, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do either but following with interest and I fully empathise

Ddaxxa · 31/05/2025 18:25

DS got horribly horribly addicted. He tells me he regrets it a lot to this day and feels shame. He's overcome it now though, but wishes he never started.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 31/05/2025 18:48

BadgersSuitcase · 31/05/2025 16:34

this would be a whole different conversation if your son was say, 17. Or even 16.

Your actual issue is that he is 13. He’s a young boy and whereas it’s totally normal for all his hormones to be waking up , it’s your literal job to protect him at the moment from viewing explicit and adult content.

So it doesn’t matter really what his mates do or how you want to keep him being open with you. That’s great - but your issue in hand is you have no option but to block his access to it all, in whatever way possible. If he can’t be trusted with a phone, then he can’t be trusted

To allow him to view it at his age is a big failing on your part if you allow it to continue. And I’ve been there with dealing with teen boys - except my son is 18 now. It’s never easy but you’d be so negligent to let this to continue

Edited

I mean the OP is literally here for advice on how to do just that, I don’t think admonishing her is going to help?

Winter42 · 31/05/2025 18:56

I have recently started using a parental control app called qustodio on my kids phones due to some concerns we had over their usage. It seems pretty good at picking things up - i have had lots of alerts sent due to whatsapp messages (all of which were fine - its very sensitive!) and it shows me everything they access and search for. It supposedly has good systems in place to filter out inappropriate content.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 31/05/2025 18:56

Untery · 31/05/2025 17:12

I am curious do you have a child over the age of 13 who you have made the decision to not give them a smart phone? And do they go to school in the uk? This is a genuinely curious question , I am not meaning to be argumentative. It’s just I know literally nobody who has actually done this. There is one boy in my older sons years group who wasn’t allowed a phone until 14 but he was very much the outlier and apparently he struggled socially because of this

Edited
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I think there literally in the last 12 months or so there’s been a bit of impetus behind the idea of not allowing children smartphones until around 14. DS is starting secondary in September and hoping we can resist the pressure - his best friends’ parents are on side but I ‘m still a bit worried about them being picked on.

Snorlaxo · 31/05/2025 19:03

Snapchat is a nightmare as the messages disappear so if you checked his phone you wouldn’t know what he sent or received. (Not the topics that you mention in your post but SC is obviously popular for sending nudes, bullying and illegal stuff as the proof disappears)

Holly485 · 31/05/2025 19:11

It's not hard though is it? I don't know why everyone is saying it is.

He's not mature enough to have a smartphone so he needs a phone that doesn't have internet access. Parents need to parent and stop pretending it's all impossible etc etc.

Fargo79 · 31/05/2025 19:13

Untery · 31/05/2025 17:12

I am curious do you have a child over the age of 13 who you have made the decision to not give them a smart phone? And do they go to school in the uk? This is a genuinely curious question , I am not meaning to be argumentative. It’s just I know literally nobody who has actually done this. There is one boy in my older sons years group who wasn’t allowed a phone until 14 but he was very much the outlier and apparently he struggled socially because of this

Edited
Show quote history

It's not that uncommon amongst our kids' peer groups. Maybe it's one of those things where attitudes vary from area to area. At primary age, there were only a handful at my children's school with a smartphone. At other schools I've worked in, there were only a handful in Y5 and Y6 without.

Mine have a "dumb phone" that can call and text to use while they're out of the house in case they need us. They can also text and call friends, but they don't have constant access to the phone at home and they obviously can't use Snapchat or other social media. They are just normal kids 🤷 Certainly not socially isolated or unpopular as a result of not having an iPhone.

Tbh though, if the smartphones did make it harder for them to be involved with friends then I'd still choose that over and above giving them potential access to the entire internet and all that entails. There are other ways to socialise that don't involve phones and we'd support them with that.

Untery · 31/05/2025 19:25

Fargo79 · 31/05/2025 19:13

It's not that uncommon amongst our kids' peer groups. Maybe it's one of those things where attitudes vary from area to area. At primary age, there were only a handful at my children's school with a smartphone. At other schools I've worked in, there were only a handful in Y5 and Y6 without.

Mine have a "dumb phone" that can call and text to use while they're out of the house in case they need us. They can also text and call friends, but they don't have constant access to the phone at home and they obviously can't use Snapchat or other social media. They are just normal kids 🤷 Certainly not socially isolated or unpopular as a result of not having an iPhone.

Tbh though, if the smartphones did make it harder for them to be involved with friends then I'd still choose that over and above giving them potential access to the entire internet and all that entails. There are other ways to socialise that don't involve phones and we'd support them with that.

Show quote history

I think there must be quite a lot of change in how parents are dealing with it compared to a few years ago. If even a handful of parents had said no then I would have joined them. 5 years ago when my ds got his first phone I did delete safari and he only had WhatsApp and texting and calling. But it was still a slippery slope to adding more apps. But I still felt fairly optimistic that I could restrict the websites to only the pre approved ones such as national geographic etc. but things still slip through the net someone. And literally everyone has Snapchat . It is hard to say no when your child is in tears cos they are being left out

Original poster
ThatMum73 · 31/05/2025 20:08

Holly485 do you have teenager? Parenting isn't just about saying no, it's guiding our children to become well rounded adults and that means supporting them to make good choices, not just taking those choices away.

Porn is everywhere. You can insist your child has a 'dumb' phone or no phone until they are 18 but then what? They will suddenly have the full internet, possibly now living away from home and no skills to manage it. I had controls on my dd's phone which she asked me to remove as she was about to turn 16. We discussed it and agreed that as she was mid-GCSEs maybe now wasn't the time but I promised I would give her extra time when she asked etc (having to ask would make her think twice about how much she was using it) and removed those controls on the day of her last exam. She is now navigating her A-levels and generally doing pretty well but under times of pressure her usage shoots up, she's aware of this and asks me to put restrictions in place although she's also trialling 'lock me out' apps.

One of her friends clocked up 32 hours of screen time in one day, that's not a misprint, they were using multiple screens throughout the day. None of this is going away, we need to talk to our children openly and help them develop life skills, that's our role as parents, and it can feel impossible sometimes but it is essential

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatMum73 · 31/05/2025 20:59

Ddaxxa can I ask what made your ds stop? Is there anything you think you could have done to stop him becoming addicted? You must be so relieved that he has come out the other side

OP posts:
heavenisaplaceonearth · 31/05/2025 21:07

Just take the screens away and fill his time with something better. You are being ridiculously passive. Your child will not die without WhatsApp or any other service.

ButteredRadishes · 31/05/2025 21:22

Why can't you just remove his phone?

Seems the simple solution.

ButteredRadishes · 31/05/2025 21:23

ThatMum73 · 31/05/2025 20:59

Ddaxxa can I ask what made your ds stop? Is there anything you think you could have done to stop him becoming addicted? You must be so relieved that he has come out the other side

The thing you can do IS REMOVE THE FUCKING PHONE.

Ddaxxa · 31/05/2025 21:26

ThatMum73 · 31/05/2025 20:59

Ddaxxa can I ask what made your ds stop? Is there anything you think you could have done to stop him becoming addicted? You must be so relieved that he has come out the other side

His MH in his life improved a lot and he came to a realisation that his obsession/addiction to porn wasn't a good thing and had to stop.

I think his MH suffered a lot growing up because of me and DH screaming and shouting. I think that really affected him and he found porn as escapism.

stayathomer · 31/05/2025 21:26

Not much help and I could be wrong but could you watch a few eg rom coms/ teen movies with him to show him how women feel/ give him a more realistic view that puts romance in there if you know what I mean?

Ddaxxa · 31/05/2025 21:30

Someone in his school in year 7 started talking to him about porn and "w*nking"

Original poster
ThatMum73 · 31/05/2025 22:10

Butter radishes I can only presume that you are trying to to get a rise from me as I've already written quite a lot about my parenting and why, for me, removing his phone is not the answer. The same goes for Heaven. Either that or neither of you have taken the time to read the thread, just decided to pass judgement at the first opportunity.

As I have mentioned, I have older DC and I've seen the relationships some teens have with parents that shut them down and they're not good, the DC are up to stuff their parents definitely don't know about. I don't want that with my dc

OP posts:
Untery · 31/05/2025 22:21

ThatMum73 · 31/05/2025 22:10

Butter radishes I can only presume that you are trying to to get a rise from me as I've already written quite a lot about my parenting and why, for me, removing his phone is not the answer. The same goes for Heaven. Either that or neither of you have taken the time to read the thread, just decided to pass judgement at the first opportunity.

As I have mentioned, I have older DC and I've seen the relationships some teens have with parents that shut them down and they're not good, the DC are up to stuff their parents definitely don't know about. I don't want that with my dc

I get you OP . Taking phone away at 13 is one thing but he will very soon be 14 and it’s only so long you can put it off. Many a mumsnet thread will tell you that if you are too strict they just go behind your back and get a phone themselves in secret. So it is good if you can work with them. I have been considering telling my dc that as a family we are all going to try a new policy of keeping phone in kitchen at all times. Even dh and I will do it too. So we can go in and check messages any time. But phones won’t be brought around with us everywhere in the house and we will all try new things to entertain us and detox from screens.

Original poster
ThatMum73 · 01/06/2025 00:54

Untery give it a go. If it doesn't work for your family you can stop doing it or make changes so it does work. We play a lot of board games here and build Lego. We do quite a bit that's not screen related but the pull is always there! Good luck and thanks for your support

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 01/06/2025 07:49

ThatMum73 · 31/05/2025 20:08

Holly485 do you have teenager? Parenting isn't just about saying no, it's guiding our children to become well rounded adults and that means supporting them to make good choices, not just taking those choices away.

Porn is everywhere. You can insist your child has a 'dumb' phone or no phone until they are 18 but then what? They will suddenly have the full internet, possibly now living away from home and no skills to manage it. I had controls on my dd's phone which she asked me to remove as she was about to turn 16. We discussed it and agreed that as she was mid-GCSEs maybe now wasn't the time but I promised I would give her extra time when she asked etc (having to ask would make her think twice about how much she was using it) and removed those controls on the day of her last exam. She is now navigating her A-levels and generally doing pretty well but under times of pressure her usage shoots up, she's aware of this and asks me to put restrictions in place although she's also trialling 'lock me out' apps.

One of her friends clocked up 32 hours of screen time in one day, that's not a misprint, they were using multiple screens throughout the day. None of this is going away, we need to talk to our children openly and help them develop life skills, that's our role as parents, and it can feel impossible sometimes but it is essential

It's not one extreme or the other, though. I don't just give my kids a dumb phone, pat myself on the back and think "job done". We talk A LOT. There is complete transparency and they know exactly why they don't have smartphones. I'm not saying they never object to it, but they understand why and they largely accept my decision. Characterising it as some authoritarian situation that's "just about saying no" and "shutting them down" is a judgement that is not representative of how we handle technology or access to explicit and harmful content in our home. It's not how we handle anything. It's not a parenting style that necessarily goes hand in hand with not giving a child a smartphone.

We have openness of communication, we guide our children in the choices they make and we give them all the tools we can to be safe and well rounded. We just don't allow access to a smartphone while we do that.

There are grown adult men who do not possess the self control that you are expecting your 13 year old to demonstrate. Men who blow up their families because they can't regulate their porn consumption (which is one of the things we speak about, actually). Maybe when my kids are older and finally have a smartphone, they will go completely off the rails and be watching a lot of porn. I don't think they are more likely to do that with a smartphone in their late teens than they are in their early teens, and the hope is that by that point they will be more mature and will have taken on board some of our guidance. I am prioritising protecting them from extreme porn while their brains and sexualities are developing. We all have very limited influence later on.

PillarToPostage · 01/06/2025 08:07

What people forget too, is even if your child has 0 access to the internet, their peers say things. For example my son came home from school one time and casually asked ‘what’s a blow job?’ Which made me skip a beat. He said someone from school he knows was going around telling people about it because he thought it was funny. Bear in mind my son doesn’t have a phone, or access to the computer (he doesn't care for it) and he’s 12

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