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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

When to intervene with friendships?

27 replies

Fleckle · 27/05/2025 05:13

DD13 has got in with a bad crowd. They regularly meet up to get drunk, vape. DD has tried it but hasn’t been drunk yet (as far as I’m aware) but I’m so worried about her spending time with them. I’m sure it won’t be long until she gets really caught up in it all.

Everything I read says don’t stop teens from seeing their friends because you’ll push them closer to them. But surely when it comes to risky behaviour and safety you have to?

I want to keep her safe. How do I do that without pushing her away?

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 27/05/2025 07:24

What time is she allowed out until @Fleckle?

Does she have any hobbies or spend any family time together?

WonderingWanda · 27/05/2025 07:27

Keep her busy doing other things. Talk about scenarios like being offered alcohol, drugs and vapes and help her work out ways to say no without losing face.

Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 07:56

BunnyRuddington · 27/05/2025 07:24

What time is she allowed out until @Fleckle?

Does she have any hobbies or spend any family time together?

@BunnyRuddington She’s not allowed late after lying to my about who she was with and what she was doing at a sleepover. And she’s been fine with that to be fair.

She knows there will be no sleepovers now because that’s when things really seem to get out of hand for some of her friends getting really drunk.

I know they have started day drinking too and at least one of her friends smokes weed (their parents know).

I’ve tried to get her out of the house and get hobbies but if she’s not with these friends, she just wants to stay in her room. I feel at a loss about how to help her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 07:57

WonderingWanda · 27/05/2025 07:27

Keep her busy doing other things. Talk about scenarios like being offered alcohol, drugs and vapes and help her work out ways to say no without losing face.

I’m really struggling to get her to anything at the moment :(

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 27/05/2025 08:08

Ok so it sounds as if you’re trying. How much access to her phone does she have? Is she in her room on her phone?

Sajacas · 27/05/2025 08:20

The first thing needs to be open discussions about alcohol, sex and drugs. Do you have that kind of relationship?
Talking about this stuff with an adult demystifies it.

Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 08:23

She’s in her phone all the time. I know it’s not healthy and if I could get her doing something else it would get her off it.

She has other friends who aren’t into the drinking and vaping but I feel she’s moving away from them more and more. She says they are boring. For some reason, she’s relating to this other group of friends.

She tells me she’s not been peer pressured by these friends. While I don’t think they’re verbally pressuring her, she has drunk and vaped with them but I feel it’s the pressure to fit in. She worries about being excluded too and not being invited out if I say she can’t go and I think joining in makes her think she won’t be excluded.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 08:25

Sajacas · 27/05/2025 08:20

The first thing needs to be open discussions about alcohol, sex and drugs. Do you have that kind of relationship?
Talking about this stuff with an adult demystifies it.

@Sajacas Yes, we do have quite a good relationship to talk about those things. I’ve noticed she’s been closing up a bit more lately but I’m trying to keep the discussion going calmly and without her feeling judged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 18:41

After lots of thought and soul searching, I feel I have to intervene and steer her away. As hard as it is, it’s the right thing for her in the long run.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 27/05/2025 19:49

I would cut her phone usage down first. Do you check her phone and does she have age appropriate SM?

What time is she allowed her phone until?

allwillbe · 27/05/2025 20:02

Fleckle · 27/05/2025 18:41

After lots of thought and soul searching, I feel I have to intervene and steer her away. As hard as it is, it’s the right thing for her in the long run.

Not sure how you can but I would try to limit her contact with these friends. My dd started hanging out with new friends at this age- sitting in park drinking, smoking and lying to us. Moving away from clubs and old friends . It went so wrong for her and us and possibly changed the course of her life. I don’t know how you can do it but do your best to encourage her to do other things. Also check her phone- find out what she is really doing and involved in. I hope I don’t sound alarmist but if I could go back 5 years I would be far more proactive than I was. The best of luck x

diddlydooda · 27/05/2025 20:09

13 seems to way too young to not be interfering in friendships where drinking and vaping is involved. I would be checking her phone and setting limits on when she can have access to it for a start.

Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 20:28

@BunnyRuddington I agree. It’s easier said than done at the moment though. She’s on it way too much but I do check it. Any tips greatly received because it’s a battle to say the least.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 20:30

@allwillbe Sorry you went through this. I have to admit it’s hard not to catastrophise but I’m terrified of the path ahead if she continues. I’m definitely restricting contact but I have a feeling there will be some bumps along the way because of that :(

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 27/05/2025 20:36

I know they have started day drinking too and at least one of her friends smokes weed (their parents know).
I’ve tried to get her out of the house and get hobbies but if she’s not with these friends, she just wants to stay in her room. I feel at a loss about how to help her.

At 13 you must safeguard her. 13 is inappropriately young for this behaviour. Better in her room than out drinking with other children.

allwillbe · 27/05/2025 20:53

Fleckle · 27/05/2025 20:30

@allwillbe Sorry you went through this. I have to admit it’s hard not to catastrophise but I’m terrified of the path ahead if she continues. I’m definitely restricting contact but I have a feeling there will be some bumps along the way because of that :(

There will be bumps but good luck and well done for trying. We underestimated what was going on as we thought our dd was v sensible and we had as a family talked about things quite openly- drugs/ underage sex etc. Just keep an eye on her phone and let her know she can always talk to you about anything she is worried about. Good luck they are such tricky years

BunnyRuddington · 27/05/2025 20:56

Fleckle · 27/05/2025 20:28

@BunnyRuddington I agree. It’s easier said than done at the moment though. She’s on it way too much but I do check it. Any tips greatly received because it’s a battle to say the least.

It’s bloody hard and she will do everything she can to stop you putting limits.

Our situation hadn’t been as worrying as yours so I might not be giving the best advice.

The two things that really helped us though was keeping an eye on maintaining our relationship. There may be an element of letting some things go. If she doesn’t tidy her room, do it for her when she’s not there. My DD appreciated (rather begrudgingly) me making her room look nice and buying her some flowers.

Take ever opportunity to tell her how much you love her and how much you like spending time with her.

Don’t be afraid to call in family or friends. I’ve taken DD to go and stay with my DSis a couple of times.

Cut down on the phone. So no phone in the bedroom at night and no phone until she’s ready for school in the morning.

okydokethen · 27/05/2025 21:03

13? My DD is 13 and is a world away from this. Come on, explain you’re worried and drinking and drug use isn’t acceptable to you.

Limit screen time, parental checks to see what she’s down loading. Ban sleepovers, do the drop offs and pick ups so you’re knowing where she is. Tighten reins now before it becomes unmanageable and dangerous. She’ll thank you for it.

Original poster
Fleckle · 27/05/2025 21:16

Thank you all. I’m so sick with worry. I also thought she was sensible so can’t believe we’re going through this.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 27/05/2025 21:22

Fleckle · 27/05/2025 21:16

Thank you all. I’m so sick with worry. I also thought she was sensible so can’t believe we’re going through this.

I think the thing to bear in mind developmentally is that this is an age where kids reject the family unit and seek approval from peers — typically, before anyone jumps down my throat. So her fitting in is very important and her parents' approval is much less important.

What I'm saying is it doesn't matter his sensible kids seem, they're all going through the same thing ish.

YourAquaTurtle · 28/05/2025 17:28

I've been here, my DS (now 18) had a difficult time with a bad crowd and there was so much peer pressure, but I found it so hard to get through to him. Eventually, some of his teachers were really helpful and he figured things out in his own time.

With my DD (14) I've been more direct speaking to her about peer pressure and friendships, and not always having to fit in with the 'popular' or 'cool' crowd, she is quite shy, and hasn't fallen in with a bad crowd. I've also given her this app called luna (basically health & wellbeing support for teen girls) and it's SO good for telling teens the right thing in a non-judgemental way that actually gets through to them.

Here's an article on their website of one of the articles which I think is really good for stuff like peer pressure: https://weareluna.app/articles/confidence-and-motivation/how-to-make-the-right-choices/

Hope this helps!

Mickey540 · 28/05/2025 19:14

Fleckle · 27/05/2025 21:16

Thank you all. I’m so sick with worry. I also thought she was sensible so can’t believe we’re going through this.

@Fleckle struggling with similar issues with DS he is 15 soon to be 16 totally in wrong crowd not interested in revising or getting an education. Vaping and drinking. I am at a total loss unfortunately all his friends parents allow l this behaviour and I’m the strictest ☹️

Original poster
Fleckle · 28/05/2025 19:53

@Mickey540 Sorry you’re going through it too. It’s the hardest thing. We spend all our time trying to keep them safe and it’s so worrying when they make the wrong decisions.

I’m hoping this is just a blip but I’m trying not to catastrophise. I’ve given my DD the benefit of the doubt on several occasions but she’s not made the right choices. So it’s now a case of me stepping in. I’m hoping she’ll thank me in the long run!

OP posts:
Mickey540 · 28/05/2025 20:22

Fleckle · 28/05/2025 19:53

@Mickey540 Sorry you’re going through it too. It’s the hardest thing. We spend all our time trying to keep them safe and it’s so worrying when they make the wrong decisions.

I’m hoping this is just a blip but I’m trying not to catastrophise. I’ve given my DD the benefit of the doubt on several occasions but she’s not made the right choices. So it’s now a case of me stepping in. I’m hoping she’ll thank me in the long run!

@Fleckle yes same it’s so hard and this age is more difficult as getting less control over them . Nightmare. Good luck

summerscomingsoon · 28/05/2025 20:28

I feel for you. I have a 15 year old and it xan be really difficult.

My only advice is keep talking.

If you drive put her in the passenger seat. Go out on a drive. I find my ds talks freely in that situation. Not facing me. You may be surprised