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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD's boyfriend addicted to weed

33 replies

Letmegetoff · 20/05/2025 20:36

Just looking for some opinions, DD is almost 17 and has been with her boyfriend for 4 months. He is addicted to weed and smokes most nights, also occasionally uses other drugs.

What kind of boundaries/rules would you have in place in these circumstances? I feel like we have done nothing but argue the past few months and I feel like I've lost sight of what is fair and reasonable

OP posts:
AlphaApple · 20/05/2025 20:44

she is 16 and spending time with a drug user. I’d call that a safeguarding issue.

how old is he?

ObliviousCoalmine · 20/05/2025 20:48

I think it depends on your daughter.

Every boyfriend I had until I was an adult smoked weed/occasionally took other drugs. I’ve never touched any, nor did they ever try to get me to.

Yes, it’s a red flag, but it doesn’t mean she will start doing the same and if you react really strongly you risk pushing her away and knowing less about what is going on.

Original poster
Letmegetoff · 20/05/2025 20:49

He is 17.

I'm finding it so hard. I allow him to come to the house and even stay over because at least while he is here he is not smoking. But he regularly will leave when he gets the chance to go and smoke. I will not allow her to go to the places where he does drugs with his friends, I don't think she even wants to go to these places but still regularly asks and lies because she will do anything to keep him happy and because she wants to be with him all the time whatever the circumstances.

OP posts:
blacksantanapkin · 20/05/2025 20:52

AlphaApple · 20/05/2025 20:44

she is 16 and spending time with a drug user. I’d call that a safeguarding issue.

how old is he?

‘Safeguarding issue’ to who exactly given she’s about to turn 17??

Sorry you’re dealing with this OP it must be so frustrating and stressful. Hopefully some posters will be along with some good advice.

AlphaApple · 20/05/2025 21:36

She is legally a child until she is 18. Yes, safeguarding applies.

I would not be doing anything to facilitate the relationship and be very clear that I felt she was wasting her time with him.

DeSoleil · 20/05/2025 21:43

All addictions need to be funded.

How is a youngster paying for it? Inevitably he will turn from a user to a dealer, and present a danger to your daughter when he can’t pay or rivalry dealers threaten him and her by association.

I would fly my child to the other side of the world if it meant getting them away from a druggie loser.

Original poster
Letmegetoff · 20/05/2025 21:47

I think the majority is funded by his college bursary. This is another worry DD is about to start an apprenticeship and I'm concerned about her wasting her wage on him as literally every penny he has goes on drugs. They don't do anything together unless she pays

OP posts:
waterrat · 20/05/2025 22:07

When I was 16 in the 90s most people I knew used drugs and weed was absolutely normal

The idea of a 17 Yr old being a safeguarding risk for recreational drug use is just ridiculous

I wouldn't like it for my child but is not extreme or unusual

Original poster
Letmegetoff · 20/05/2025 22:08

I know weed use is very common, it's the frequency that bothers me, its pretty much every single day

OP posts:
MrsSunshine2b · 20/05/2025 22:10

It's just a bit of weed.

At one point, almost everyone I knew smoked daily. The vast majority have grown into very normal middle class people with jobs, marriages and kids.

blacksantanapkin · 20/05/2025 22:51

AlphaApple · 20/05/2025 21:36

She is legally a child until she is 18. Yes, safeguarding applies.

I would not be doing anything to facilitate the relationship and be very clear that I felt she was wasting her time with him.

Well technically but at 17 you can drive a car, live alone without parents etc. so it’s not really a ‘child’ in the same way a 12-year-old is. No teachers/social workers/outside agencies are going to be in the least bit interested. OPs DD could just leave and move in with this loser boyfriend and OP could do nothing about it. So it’s a tough situation and I feel for her.

icantwaitforsummer · 20/05/2025 23:06

@DeSoleilthats a bit extreme! I’m guessing you didn’t go to parties when you were 16,17,18?

And to say someone that smokes weed and will become a dealer and then get into trouble when he can’t pay up woah, overreaction much??

31% of teenagers have taken drugs, weed is the leat worrying one compared to harder drugs.

I wouldn’t love it if my daughters boyfriend smoked it, but if he was a decent boy, kind, polite hardworking and didn’t drive under the influence I would look past it.

Original poster
Letmegetoff · 20/05/2025 23:20

He isn't particularly kind and definitely isn't hard working though. He has no job, barely attends college. His whole social life revolves around taking weed. DD has also totally bombed her first year of a levels and so is starting an apprenticeship.

OP posts:
icantwaitforsummer · 20/05/2025 23:33

Ah well that’s a different issue. He doesn’t just smoke he is a lazy twat. Yeah she needs to sack him off.

But she won’t if you tell her to. All you can do is love and support her and subtly but regularly tell her she deserves better. So you are bugging her up and making her confidence higher whilst also making her see he isn’t that great.

to be honest it’s unlikely she will marry the guy she goes out with at 17 so I wouldn’t worry too much. Get her to retake year 12 and start again and focus on her future. What is her dream job? Start helping her plan for that.

Original poster
Letmegetoff · 21/05/2025 05:11

I know I can't tell make her dump him but is it fair to say I don't want him at our house any more? She can still see him just not here.

She doesn't want to repeat year 12, she's starting an apprenticeship. She has no dream job all she cares about is this boy, its so sad to see. I can see the apprenticeship going tips up as well if she carrys on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Letmegetoff · 21/05/2025 05:15

I feel like I'm facilitating her being with him and I hate it as I can see how bad he is for her.

OP posts:
RickiRaccoon · 21/05/2025 05:27

Plenty of people have loser BFs and friends when they're young and come out the other side. Do reasonable curfews most nights, no drugs in you house. Don't ban him as long as he's respectful because she'll blame you for anything wrong with the relationship. It's your best chance of her realising on her own he's a waste of her time and money. If she's living at home and working instead of studying, she should start saving too.

whynotmereally · 21/05/2025 05:27

That’s awful, I would probably still let him come just to keep an eye on things. Support her, encourage her to see friends, take her away if you can . Talk to her about the future and what she wants for her self.

Hopefully she’ll eventually recognise he is dragging her down. But don’t push her away, be honest tell her you want better for her but that you respect and trust her.

MissyB1 · 21/05/2025 07:19

I hate how people minimise cannabis addiction, I've seen it ruin people's lives, same as any other addiction can. It can also cause long term mental health issues. If he has to do it every day, and spends all his money on it then I suspect he's addicted. So basically she's in a relationship with an addict. I'm sorry that must be so hard to watch as a parent 🙁 please talk openly but calmly to her about your fears, stress that your talk s coming from a place of love. You can't get rid of him but you must keep channels of communication open with her.

YinYangalang · 21/05/2025 07:26

Make it a condition that she pays you a set amount and you invest it for her.

I had a friend like this. Never did well in school. Did a YTS and got a semi skilled job. Went out with a druggy til she was 20. Then just changed. Dumped the druggy boyfriend. Got a better sales job related to her field. She’s now the wealthiest of us all.

16 is the age when some of us make stupid decisions. My DC were the opposite to me as they were both focused on their future careers even at 16 (had to get A stars and A’s at A level to do their chosen degree).

Keep her close is my advice.

Original poster
Letmegetoff · 21/05/2025 08:59

She will be paying rent and saving a significant amount once she starts the apprenticeship. She has already had a part time job and was spending her wages on him until we stopped giving her money and she can no longer afford to do it.

I feel like he has the potential to really mess her up, he seems very toxic. Allowing him to come here gives him the opportunity to act all lovey dovey perfect boyfriend without him actually having to make any effort.

OP posts:
User135644 · 21/05/2025 09:03

Filthy habbit. I wouldn't let him in your house as it stinks.

caramac04 · 21/05/2025 09:15

It’s a tricky situation but if you ban him from your home your dd will just see him elsewhere.
Keep her close, foster plans for the future. I agree with op’s; take rent money and invest it for her. When he’s not there is there anything your dd enjoys that you can do together? Watch a film with a takeaway? I’ve not really any ideas as my dc are all adults and I’m out of touch.

Original poster
Letmegetoff · 21/05/2025 09:19

I think I've come to realise that it would be better for her to only see him elsewhere so she can see just how crap he is. He gets to snuggle up and be the affectionate boyfriend when he's here without that there is literally nothing to their relationship. They don't go anywhere or do anything because he will only spend money on weed.

I've always been quite close with DD but when he is here they are literally just in her room and we don't see her.

OP posts:
AlphaApple · 21/05/2025 10:54

I agree, I would not have him in your home. If you have been close before then hopefully you will be again and she will open up / confide in you. Maybe if you went on a holiday, just the two of you?

NB I would say this about any young person who was wasting their life - whether on drugs, alcohol or just sheer laziness. I would be furious if they were part of the reason my DD flunked their A levels. Let him wander round half the week stoned but don't bring others down with you!