DD's boyfriend addicted to weed

[Letmegetoff]

Just looking for some opinions, DD is almost 17 and has been with her boyfriend for 4 months. He is addicted to weed and smokes most nights, also occasionally uses other drugs.

What kind of boundaries/rules would you have in place in these circumstances? I feel like we have done nothing but argue the past few months and I feel like I've lost sight of what is fair and reasonable

My advice here is to focus less on being 'anti him' as that will make her defensive of him and push her towards him and more on being 'pro her' ie celebrating her and talking lots about her achievements, goals and bright future, what kind of lifestyle and community and career she would be able to have etc - keep this vision alive so she can see for herself he won't fit in.
Keep talking her to nice places and do nice things. Remind her of her strengths and good traits.
Also , if there has ever been a sniff of 'virginity being important' in your parenting you need to dispel that - when I was her age I had really internalized the message that it was important to stay with the boy I lost my virginity to and needed up staying with him for 9 years - in hindsight that should have been a 1-3 year relationship.
Ensure she is on decent contraception.

I would just continually drive home the point that he is one of life’s losers and if you want to be with a dead beat pot head then go for it. I would not have him in the house.

I can't dress it up any differently than I hope she is sensible enough that you don't end up with 3 of them living with you then 4+

She is on contraception and there is no chance that he will ever be living here ever.

My biggest concern is how besotted she is with him, he could literally do anything and would be forgiven in a heartbeat. I think I've decided he's not coming round here any more, it will give her some space to remember who she was before he came along.

It is very hard with that age group.

But you don’t need to welcome a loser like that into your home. It will bring you a world of problems.

Most serious users without income dabble a little in dealing, like buying an ounce or two, splitting it into eighths to sell to mates, and using the profits to fund their addiction. And that means they need to keep the dope and all the paraphernalia somewhere. And where safer than an understanding girlfriend’s house!

I would ban him and let your daughter know you disapprove of her seeing him, although you can’t stop her out of the house.

People will say that you risk ‘losing her’ ,and there is a small risk of that. But, on the other hand, welcoming him may come back to bite you years later, when she accuses you of encouraging a destructive relationship when you should have known better.

@Letmegetoffit sounds like you’re doing a great job. I think keeping her financially very tight is the best thing you can do in this situation. You really don’t want to be feeding his habit or financing her to join him in being a lazy toad. Make sure she’s paying you rent and board when she starts her apprenticeship and just continue to support her and invite him over. It might be rubbish but better that you don’t push her away.

I think I'd be encouraging her to think about life longer term

Is this a good choice?
What will have life look like?
Where will money come from?
What kind of a partner and father would he be?
How can you even have kids with this kind of a man?

What is life with this loser really going to like in 10 years...? no nice things, no nice holidays, no nice restaurants or events because he just wants to get stoned...

I wouldn't let them shack up in your home get comfy and eat your snacks.
Also keep things financially tight. Id pay for experiences or things but directly ie the cash bypasses her

I'd just start saying no visitors tonight ans make blanket rules.

Maybe let him come over every other Friday but I wouldnt say X cant come over ever.

See can absolutely see him just not in your home...

Definitely a problem!! I don't want to scare you, but it's so easy to be influenced at that age and your DD might be tempted to start this habit too..