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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

17 year old getting invited to go drinking

54 replies

PerkyGoldCat · 19/05/2025 12:58

My son has just turned 17 years old and is still in school. His Dad left when he was a baby, so he has grown up without a father. My brother in-law (who has two kids of his own, 14 and 12 years old) has always stepped up as sort of a father figure, teaching my son handy things like how to fix broken items around the house, building projects, fixing cars etc. They had also done activities together such as off road cycling and nights of gaming together. Which I had always appreciated and thought it was good for my son.
However, the past 3 or 4 months, my brother in-law has been inviting my son over for drinks, which I am not comfortable with. I do allow my son to have a drink occasionally in a controlled and safe environment. It just seems that lately when he does go out with my brother in-law, he always comes home past curfew and does not follow the rules of letting me know where he is. The past weekend, my son was over at a friends house, and my brother in-law insisted on going out for a drink and picked up my son along with his 4 friends (who are between 15 and 17 years old), he then took all of them out for drink.
When I express that I am not happy about this to my brother in-law, he says that my son is an adult and can make his own decisions. This way of thinking also seems to be rubbing of on my son, and there seems to be no respect from both of them for my rules when they are together lately.

Firstly, am I the only one that thinks its weird for an adult to hang out with teenagers? And secondly, please give me advise, I don't want to ruin their friendship and be the reason thereof, but the friendship needs to be a healthy one. But I just don't seem to be getting through to either of them, am I perhaps in the wrong.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 19/05/2025 12:59

Yes, it is weird for an adult to hang out with teenagers.

Buying drinks for them is illegal. Tell him to stop.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/05/2025 13:00

I wasn't fussed about my 17 year olds having the odd drink when they were that age, but it is a bit weird that your BIL is so keen to hang out with all the teens. And he shouldn't be buying his friends alcohol, do their parents know?

Smartiepants79 · 19/05/2025 13:02

I don’t think it’s weird for an uncle to hang out with a nephew he is clearly close to. Would you think it weird if it was a dad and son hanging out because that seems to be the relationship you’ve described.
The odd beer with him would not be a big deal to me either but he should be encouraging your son to respect the boundaries you’ve put in place for him living in your home.

Bumdrops · 19/05/2025 13:03

More info needed ….
is he extending his fatherly role into safe introduction to alcohol / late teenage life etc ??

or re- visiting his own youth / having mid- life crisis ???

chat to him- find out BIL’s thinking

Original poster
PerkyGoldCat · 19/05/2025 13:16

My BIL has always drank a lot and has always loved to party. He is always looking for company and someone to drink with. He will offer my son drinks behind my back and tries to tell him to hide it from me. But my son had told me because we have had good and open relationship. But the more my BIL invites my son over for drinks, the more my son seems to be pulling away and hiding how many drinks he had from me. The drinking has also changed from occasionally to every weekend all weekend.

OP posts:
MoreChocPls · 19/05/2025 13:21

That is weird. If my son is one of the friends who had gone out with your brother-in-law, I’d be absolutely furious. Your son is not an adult and your brother-in-law is seriously weird.

FluentRedPoet · 19/05/2025 14:47

Your son is not an adult yet so you can pull the bil up on that fact. The parents of the other boys may well be furious that their sons are under age drinking. Attitudes really have changed. In my day, yes teens were bought alcohol by parents and older teens but now it's just not on. I thought this was going to be about a 17 year old bring asked out by 18 year old school mates but the brother in law is so way out of order. This has the potential to go very wrong. Is their driving involved as well?

MagicalMystical · 19/05/2025 14:52

This man went to a young person’s house where he was socialising with mates his own age and took them all out drinking?

🚩🚩🚩

I’d be letting the safeguarding team in your area know about this man at this point.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/05/2025 14:56

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/05/2025 12:59

Yes, it is weird for an adult to hang out with teenagers.

Buying drinks for them is illegal. Tell him to stop.

Is it weird if they're related?
I never went to the pub with my parents, but I know that plenty of people do!
And it's definitely not weird to be drinking when you're only a few months away from the legal age to buy a drink and it's already legal for you to have wine or beer with a meal at a pub or drink anything at home.

SunsetCocktails · 19/05/2025 15:04

Hmmm… going round to your uncle’s and having a couple of beers occasionally at 17, not particularly unusual. Getting together and getting drunk with him every weekend, along with a bunch of your underage mates, definitely not usual. Presumably he’s taking them to his house as no pub would be serving 15 year olds alcohol?

FluentRedPoet · 19/05/2025 15:05

Gwenhwyfar · 19/05/2025 14:56

Is it weird if they're related?
I never went to the pub with my parents, but I know that plenty of people do!
And it's definitely not weird to be drinking when you're only a few months away from the legal age to buy a drink and it's already legal for you to have wine or beer with a meal at a pub or drink anything at home.

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The weird bit was turning up at the friend's house and insisting boys aged between 14 and 17 went drinking. Had they all been 17 I'd be a bit more tolerant but one of the lads, not at all related, was only 14. His parents should be deciding if he drinks in restaurants or at home not someone completely unrelated.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/05/2025 15:06

FluentRedPoet · 19/05/2025 15:05

The weird bit was turning up at the friend's house and insisting boys aged between 14 and 17 went drinking. Had they all been 17 I'd be a bit more tolerant but one of the lads, not at all related, was only 14. His parents should be deciding if he drinks in restaurants or at home not someone completely unrelated.

Show quote history

Ok. Fair enough.

verycloakanddaggers · 19/05/2025 15:11

PerkyGoldCat · 19/05/2025 13:16

My BIL has always drank a lot and has always loved to party. He is always looking for company and someone to drink with. He will offer my son drinks behind my back and tries to tell him to hide it from me. But my son had told me because we have had good and open relationship. But the more my BIL invites my son over for drinks, the more my son seems to be pulling away and hiding how many drinks he had from me. The drinking has also changed from occasionally to every weekend all weekend.

He's grooming teenagers into alcohol abuse. This is a safeguarding issue.

I would not want my child to be around this behaviour.

tripleginandtonic · 19/05/2025 15:13

17 year olds drink. Its probably safer for him to have his bil there. You're being a bit controlling OP , loosen the strings. He's nearly an adult.

Sassybooklover · 19/05/2025 15:13

Your son has just turned 17, so therefore isn't nearly 18, he's barely left 16! So no, your BIL shouldn't be encouraging underage drinking. If your son was a month or so off his 18th birthday, it wouldn't be so bad, but your son isn't. You are your son's parent, not your BIL, so he should respect your boundaries. You need a calm conversation with your BIL.

Sera1989 · 19/05/2025 15:24

SunsetCocktails · 19/05/2025 15:04

Hmmm… going round to your uncle’s and having a couple of beers occasionally at 17, not particularly unusual. Getting together and getting drunk with him every weekend, along with a bunch of your underage mates, definitely not usual. Presumably he’s taking them to his house as no pub would be serving 15 year olds alcohol?

I agree with the above. Especially along with the update below. BIL needs to get some friends his own age and set a better example to his own kids. Definitely creepy and not normal to be "partying" with 15 year olds - I assume BIL must be in his 40s? I'd be having stern words, distancing myself and explaining to DS why this behaviour is not OK. I hope none of DS's underage friends are girls.

My BIL has always drank a lot and has always loved to party. He is always looking for company and someone to drink with. He will offer my son drinks behind my back and tries to tell him to hide it from me.

FluentRedPoet · 19/05/2025 15:25

Is everyone missing the comment about the bil 'picking up' the boys to go drinking? Pick up in my vocabulary means in a car. So he's potentially drink driving with unrelated kids. He needs reporting to the police before this happens again and someone gets killed.

SunsetCocktails · 19/05/2025 15:40

FluentRedPoet · 19/05/2025 15:25

Is everyone missing the comment about the bil 'picking up' the boys to go drinking? Pick up in my vocabulary means in a car. So he's potentially drink driving with unrelated kids. He needs reporting to the police before this happens again and someone gets killed.

Yes I noticed that. OP also says her BIL wanted to “go out for a drink” which is why I’m struggling to understand exactly where he went with a load of underage teenagers.

FluentRedPoet · 19/05/2025 15:43

SunsetCocktails · 19/05/2025 15:40

Yes I noticed that. OP also says her BIL wanted to “go out for a drink” which is why I’m struggling to understand exactly where he went with a load of underage teenagers.

Show quote history

Possibly no-one his own age will go with him because they know what he's like? Ie they have had to get him back home when he's been worse for wear?

YourAquaTurtle · 19/05/2025 16:53

Definitely a bit weird, why would he want to hang out with people who are significantly younger? The occasional drink is ok, but a repeated pattern isn't.

pinkstripeycat · 19/05/2025 18:00

YourAquaTurtle · 19/05/2025 16:53

Definitely a bit weird, why would he want to hang out with people who are significantly younger? The occasional drink is ok, but a repeated pattern isn't.

Your son is not an adult. The law doesn’t see him as an adult and neither would the person selling your BIL drinks to give to children.

Your BIL is being really irresponsible.

theonlygirl · 19/05/2025 18:10

I'm getting the vibe that your BIL has a big of a drinking problem and has run out people in his own circle to drink with, so has latched onto your 17 yr old. While it's OK to have the odd beer with an uncle you are very close with now and then, special occasions, big sports match etc it's not OK to be drinking to this extent. The friends thing is very odd. At best your BIL is trying way too hard to be "cool". Time for a conversation to reset some boundaries. Not really on to put you in this position and make you the bad guy.

madonninamia · 19/05/2025 18:13

Your brother in law has completely disregarded your parental wishes when you asked him not to keep offering alcohol to your son! To me that shows him up as utterly disrespectful towards you! I’m sorry but you really must take into account that as many of the previous replies have established “he is weird” but he’s also arrogant enough to believe he can override your wishes.

ginasevern · 19/05/2025 18:40

Heavy drinkers and alcoholics will latch onto any drinking buddies they can find. Contrary to popular belief they actually crave company but they desperately want that company to drink as much as they do. It's more fun and they don't want to be surrounded by relatively sober people. Eventually their "normal" friends drift away. Usually frightened off by the amount of alcohol consumed, drink driving and generally irrational behaviour. It's quite common for the drinker to then seek out ever increasingly vulnerable company. Often this includes other addicts or people with chaotic lifestyles and also impressionable kids. The heavy drinker will "buy" their company with free booze and the promise of a good time.

Laura95167 · 19/05/2025 19:03

I was going to say YABU when it sounded like your BiL was safely allowing your son a beer or two - but he's ignored you when you've explained why you don't like it, he's encouraging your son to be disrespectful him hes taking all his nephews pals friends out drinking. BIL is being unreasonable and kinda creepy. Where are his friends, what's he want with underage teens? He needs to grow up