Page 2 | 17 year old getting invited to go drinking

Peachy2005 · 19/05/2025 19:14

Maybe you need a different tactic. Assuming it is true, is it time to have the “my brother has a drink problem and it’s not good to encourage him” conversation with your DS? Along with mentioning his seemingly complete lack of boundaries: “my brother has alienated his own friends and is now trying to latch onto yours”. Hopefully your DS might be able to grasp why it’s weird and to be avoided…he probably just can’t see past the “cool uncle who will buy drink for us” thing at the moment …but it won’t always seem cool to him and it might be difficult to extricate himself (and friends) from this later.

GiveDogBone · 19/05/2025 19:20

Ok, your son isn’t an adult, he’s 17 - close, but not close enough. But the point is not whether he is or is not an adult, the point is he’s living under your roof and therefore he follows your rules. He can do what he wants when he’s over 18 and moves out.

Similarly, if BIL is acting as a surrogate father, then he of all people should recognise that he needs to respect your wishes about what he is doing.

Having said that, I would have no problem with him going out for responsible drinking with a known adult, if your BIL is acting as an unofficial father then going out for drinks with your son is definitely something he could and would do with his father if he was around.

Laurmolonlabe · 19/05/2025 19:57

I can see why you are annoyed, and it isn't usual for an adult to hang out with a teenager. Then again your BIL has spent time with your son and taught him useful skills. On the underage drinking thing DS will be an adult in a few months, so coming on hard and heavy about it is unlikely to glean useful results. You don't mention him coming in drunk or anything, so l would tread lightly or risk losing any influence you have.

Flamingfeline · 19/05/2025 20:13

@Peachy2005 good thinking!

TheBigFatMermaid · 19/05/2025 20:17

I do allow my son to have a drink occasionally in a controlled and safe environment.

At the point where I read the above, I thought "Isn't with his Uncle a controlled and safe environment?" Then I read the rest and answered that question for myself! No, it is not. He is not a safe adult, he has his own agenda.
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I really don't know how you stop a 17 year old from going along with this, other than pointing out its not normal, not cool and certainly not something your lads friends parents would be happy about.

Is BIL your sisters husband? Could you talk to your sister about your concerns?

Thalia31 · 19/05/2025 20:51

PerkyGoldCat · 19/05/2025 12:58

My son has just turned 17 years old and is still in school. His Dad left when he was a baby, so he has grown up without a father. My brother in-law (who has two kids of his own, 14 and 12 years old) has always stepped up as sort of a father figure, teaching my son handy things like how to fix broken items around the house, building projects, fixing cars etc. They had also done activities together such as off road cycling and nights of gaming together. Which I had always appreciated and thought it was good for my son.
However, the past 3 or 4 months, my brother in-law has been inviting my son over for drinks, which I am not comfortable with. I do allow my son to have a drink occasionally in a controlled and safe environment. It just seems that lately when he does go out with my brother in-law, he always comes home past curfew and does not follow the rules of letting me know where he is. The past weekend, my son was over at a friends house, and my brother in-law insisted on going out for a drink and picked up my son along with his 4 friends (who are between 15 and 17 years old), he then took all of them out for drink.
When I express that I am not happy about this to my brother in-law, he says that my son is an adult and can make his own decisions. This way of thinking also seems to be rubbing of on my son, and there seems to be no respect from both of them for my rules when they are together lately.

Firstly, am I the only one that thinks its weird for an adult to hang out with teenagers? And secondly, please give me advise, I don't want to ruin their friendship and be the reason thereof, but the friendship needs to be a healthy one. But I just don't seem to be getting through to either of them, am I perhaps in the wrong.

He was excellent in the father role, but now his behavior is concerning. Despite that, he has made an effort to step up for your son, and this is how you respond to him?

MellersSmellers · 19/05/2025 20:56

I don't think it was weird if it was just your DS and occasional, but every/all weekend and with friends of his? Absolutely would not like that and I do think it's weird and completely inappropriate behaviour on behalf of your BIL. Would also not like that he is teaching or supporting your son in contravening your rules. I suspect this can only get worse if you don't address it OP.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 19/05/2025 22:40

The man seems dodgy to me. I’d be unhappy.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 19/05/2025 22:52

When you say he’s your brother-in-law, do you mean he’s the brother of your ex-husband or your sister’s husband ? Just to get context. Either way, no, I wouldn’t be happy with this. Yes my son went out drinking at 17 but it was with friends his own age. It is odd, to say the least, for a grown man to do this. I could maybe understand if it was a larger family group eg involving uncles, cousins but if the BIL is out alone with the teenagers, then no. What does his partner/ wife think about this ?

Tbrh · 19/05/2025 23:40

FrenchandSaunders · 19/05/2025 13:00

I wasn't fussed about my 17 year olds having the odd drink when they were that age, but it is a bit weird that your BIL is so keen to hang out with all the teens. And he shouldn't be buying his friends alcohol, do their parents know?

This. A couple of beers and playing pool maybe, but regular full on piss up is weird. BiL need friends his own age!

Original poster

PerkyGoldCat · 20/05/2025 08:27

theonlygirl · 19/05/2025 18:10

I'm getting the vibe that your BIL has a big of a drinking problem and has run out people in his own circle to drink with, so has latched onto your 17 yr old. While it's OK to have the odd beer with an uncle you are very close with now and then, special occasions, big sports match etc it's not OK to be drinking to this extent. The friends thing is very odd. At best your BIL is trying way too hard to be "cool". Time for a conversation to reset some boundaries. Not really on to put you in this position and make you the bad guy.

This is 100% spot on! He has lost all of his friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

PerkyGoldCat · 20/05/2025 08:37

TheBigFatMermaid · 19/05/2025 20:17

I do allow my son to have a drink occasionally in a controlled and safe environment.

At the point where I read the above, I thought "Isn't with his Uncle a controlled and safe environment?" Then I read the rest and answered that question for myself! No, it is not. He is not a safe adult, he has his own agenda.
.
I really don't know how you stop a 17 year old from going along with this, other than pointing out its not normal, not cool and certainly not something your lads friends parents would be happy about.

Is BIL your sisters husband? Could you talk to your sister about your concerns?

Correct yes, I have chatted to my sister and as agrees with me. It however just seems to make my BIL retaliate and push even harder to try convince my son that he is an adult and my rules should not apply.

OP posts:

waterrat · 20/05/2025 09:03

hi Op - so - I grew up in an environment where adults drank a lot and also by 17 I would have been given alcohol excessively etc - it was normalised in the environment /culture I was in ....

I recognise this sort of behaviour - reality is your BIL is a sad man with a drink problem and probably sniffs out potential drink buddies when more sensible adults don't want to sit around having beers on a random tuesday

I also bet he loves being billy big guy with the teenagers in the pub

Is there an intervention possible here - so you sit down your BIL (with a friend/ male/another familiy member) - and you spell this out - and say look he is a teenager, not an adult - it's not right, it's not healthy and you are damaging your healthy and previously positive relationship here.

I would be very pissed off with SIL as well Im afraid it's her partner!!! She should surely be setting boundaries with him

If that doens't work, I'm not sure what to suggest

waterrat · 20/05/2025 09:04

Your BIL is not getting a clear enough message from adults nearby who he - presumably - loves (his wife/ you/ other siblings/ relatives??) - that this is cringe and embarassing.

Where is he taking them? Buying alcohol for minors is an offence - are they in pubs?

Gossipisgood · 20/05/2025 09:19

You need to have it out with your BIL & tell him to back off. Explain that while you've always been happy & appreciated his involvement with your Son when it's been as a positive role model, you've noticed things have shifted & you're not happy. Say you don't mind him having the odd drink with your DS at family events or now & again if they're out & about but don't appreciate him encouraging heavy drinking sessions with him & his younger mates. Tell him if it carries on you'll be looking to speak to a safeguarding person because this is a form of abuse on his part. While not intentional it is, Your DS is still underage & BIL is plying him with drink, doesn't look good. Have a chat with your DS too letting him know the same & say you don't mind him hanging out with his Uncle but the drinking all of the time must stop.

Catsandcannedbeans · 20/05/2025 09:41

Take this as an opportunity to teach your son to say no. I would ago with the line that his uncle has a problem and he is enabling it. I would also have a serious word with BIL (by serious word I mean I would fucking bollock him) and say if he takes your child out again you will call the police. Tbh I probably wouldn’t actually call the police, they have enough to deal with, but I would be going and getting him and causing one hell of scene. He’d wish I’d called the police.

I look after my DN a lot, she’s stayed at our house a few nights a week since she was little and comes and goes as she pleases. I have made alcohol available to her since she was in her late teens with permission from my brother and SIL. If I had gone behind their back my SIL would absolutely have mine and DPs heads on spikes in her garden… one each side of the geraniums. I think you need to go hard and put a stop to this asap.

ohmondew · 20/05/2025 09:46

What do your son's friends parents think of this? If I was the mum of the 15 year old I would be absolutely fuming and I would probably suspect grooming/report him as a safeguarding concern.

I'm obliged to report safeguarding issues i come across at work and I would have no hesitation reporting this immediately.

Stevejustarandommale · 20/05/2025 09:48

PerkyGoldCat · 19/05/2025 13:16

My BIL has always drank a lot and has always loved to party. He is always looking for company and someone to drink with. He will offer my son drinks behind my back and tries to tell him to hide it from me. But my son had told me because we have had good and open relationship. But the more my BIL invites my son over for drinks, the more my son seems to be pulling away and hiding how many drinks he had from me. The drinking has also changed from occasionally to every weekend all weekend.

That to me is dangerous territory. If he's telling your son to hide it, in your son's mind that's making it a naughty secret. Thing is your son is 17, impressionable, wants to fit in. It sounds to me that your BIL isn't teaching him to drink responsibly.
This may be going off on a tangent, but from personal experience, I joined the military at 17, to try and fit in any chance of getting drunk I'd take it. Fun at the time, but when I left I had a severe drinking problem. My civvie mates couldn't keep up and realised I had a problem. I'm worried that your son could fall into the same trap. You need to talk to both son and BIL and explain your fears.
Good luck 🤗

ItGhoul · 20/05/2025 10:14

It's very odd behaviour for an adult to take a bunch 15 - 17 year olds out drinking with him.

A dad/uncle/grandparent taking their son/nephew/grandson out for a quiet pint occasionally = normal. Taking them out for nights on the razz with a bunch of other kids = not normal.

TeaAndToast8 · 20/05/2025 10:27

It’s really weird for an adult to want to hang around with teenagers and to encourage drinking. What does there partner your Sister/brother think of it?
Id tell them straight, you either stop or you won’t be part of our lives anymore, your son will get over it and eventually realise why.

verycloakanddaggers · 20/05/2025 10:31

It's very odd behaviour for an adult to take a bunch 15 - 17 year olds out drinking with him. This person is presumably repeating what happened to them. It's really not safe for kids to be taught drinking habits by people who have drinking problems.

Santina · 20/05/2025 10:40

I don't think it's a problem if it's not excessive. It's a good way for them to regulate their drinking in a safe environment knowing how it will affect them before they go out with friends and go stupid on the first outing. Just make sure you have conversations regarding excessive drinking and it's impact and maybe drink a little with them too at home, they will soon learn how to regulate.

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/05/2025 11:02

MoreChocPls · 19/05/2025 13:21

That is weird. If my son is one of the friends who had gone out with your brother-in-law, I’d be absolutely furious. Your son is not an adult and your brother-in-law is seriously weird.

This.

FlyMeSomewhere · 20/05/2025 11:09

Thalia31 · 19/05/2025 20:51

He was excellent in the father role, but now his behavior is concerning. Despite that, he has made an effort to step up for your son, and this is how you respond to him?

Show quote history

You aren't acknowledging the red flags, a couple that my partner and I used to socialise with when we were younger used to buy their 13 year old booze and cigarettes, the 15 year old and his mates used to be allowed to get smashed around their house and you'd find 15 year olds flat on the floor somewhere too far gone on booze.
We eventually stopped having a friendship with them because like the OPs BIL, the couple were heavy drinkers and had no behavioural control when drunk! Fighting, trashing pubs and eventually the guy getting sent to prison. Drinking is one thing, many of us like a few tipples at a weekend but it's a other thing to let a near alcoholic influence 15 to 17 year olds!

axolotlfloof · 20/05/2025 11:09

Is he nearly 18? Once he is 18 you really don't have much say. I try to treat my 17 y and 10m y o like an adult, as he will be living away in September.
I would focus on whether he is studying/working/exercising.
He will decide for himself his uncle is a sad drunk.