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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

nearly 12 year old who has grown horns!

33 replies

smartiejake · 19/05/2008 19:57

DD is nearly 12. She goes to a small independent school which she chose over the local state school where some of her frinds went. She has had some problems at school due to one particularly nasty girl (who actually everyone is now getting fed up with) but she has made some new friends and everything seemed to have settled down.

We have been to the doctors a few times since christmas. She was concussed in an incident at school in February and then injured her foot doing something daft with her frieds. She also had a throat infection.

She has been suffering from headaches for about 3 months on and off and the doctor has referred us to an osteopath and a paediatrician. He said he doesn't feel there is anything seriously wrong but thinks there is some underlying emotional problem that maybe exacerbating her symptoms. I think it's largely hormonal!

My dh has a very demanding job and works away during the week and I am finding her so hard to deal with at the moment. We are looking into alternative schooling for her for september but I just need some advice as to how to balance the need to be sympathetic with the need to keep her in line.

She is so damn demanding and rude all the time. Her emotions swing from ecstatic to depressed in the blink of an eye. I seem to be arguing with her all the time but she is only 11 and don't feel that the way she is behaving is acceptable.

Earlier she complained that I hadn't given her enough for dinner. WHen she continued I told her she had three chances to stop complaining or her dinner would go in the bin. She carried on. Dinner went in the bin. Cue screaming like a demented banshee followed by an attempt to walk out of the house which I stopped.

I have now told her that friends/ sweets/ treats in half term and riding lessons which she would like are dependent on better behaviour (and I WILL carry out my threats)

But I just seem to spend all my time having to make threats and I am so tired of it.

What do you wise ladies do in these situations? What works for you?

OP posts:
smartiejake · 19/05/2008 21:05

Anyone?

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smartiejake · 19/05/2008 21:14

Bump

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smartiejake · 19/05/2008 21:28

Come on someone must have some words of wisdom?

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smartiejake · 19/05/2008 21:33

Ok obviously not so I will give up!

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Psychomum5 · 19/05/2008 21:33

sympathy

I had the same issues for a long time with DD1...she was an utter horror for two years from 9-11/12.......honestly, she is lucky to have survived it.

she is lovely again now (well, 75% of the time, the other 25% is pmt), and is 14.

I was at an utter loss with her, and did not like her at all.

MIL tho, told me that you will always get 2yr with your children that you find exceedingly hard, and the rest of parenting is better....altho not perfect.

I am now goin thro strife with DD2, and DD3 has already started........phases go thro chnages and endings and morphing into the next phase.......so......much sympathy even if I can;t help much.

figroll · 19/05/2008 21:34

Hi - I also have one of these!! I think it is perhaps her age and you just have to bear with it. I know it is hard, but I just try to be nice and ignore bad behaviour - a bit like when they are babies.

My older dd is 16 and an absolute delight, although we had some difficult moments when she was younger. It may be a passing phase and you may be need to be supportive and understanding? Easier said than done, I know!!

Psychomum5 · 19/05/2008 21:43

oh, just to say, I got thro it by lots of wine, laughing a lot (altho at the child is not so good), and writing my daughter a letter..

I told her that as much as I love her, and I am always there for her, parenting is as difficult as being a daughter, and from my perspective, parenting a 9yo was something I had never done before and it was all a new experience for me, as well as for her too.

I asked for patience, and asked for her to try to be calm with ME......it didn;t help much with the behaviour at that point, but it did help her realise that mummy DOES love her, and the meaness (on my part apparently) was down to me learning.......

she still was hell, but it broke the rarghness and we managed the evilness better by each walking away when it got too much.

still have issues, but like I say......connected to PMT now!

Elasticwoman · 19/05/2008 21:48

Smartie - sorry didn't see your post before; probably dealing with our own 11 y o dd, whose father often calls her Kevin after the Enfield character.

I applaud your policy of carrying out threats, but think you should think more carefully about the threats, and make them smaller. At dinner tonight, our very own Kevin spoke rudely to me, and her father just docked her pocket money by 10 p! She had come home in a foul temper, manifested by many small transgressions, some of which were punished, (as above) and some ignored. They have to be allowed to sound off a bit sometimes - choose your battles!

It is easy for me to say all this I know, because dh was available to support me. I have huge sympathy for you dealing with this on your own - it is very hard, I've been there.

I did give dd a big cuddle this evening and it did lighten her up a bit.

I suggest you discuss the problem with your dh and see what he can do from a distance. Perhaps some of this behaviour is about not seeing enough of him. Maybe she could email him? It might keep her out of your hair for 5 mins!

smartiejake · 19/05/2008 21:52

Interesting idea about writing a letter. She is always writing little notes. I expect I might find one on my pillow when I go to bed.

Problem I have is that I have already had to take a day of work to stay at home with her today and have no one to look after her if she decides she is not well tomorrow. Dh is not here during the week, my mum is seriously ill and mil has an illness phobia.

DD kept complaining about this headache today but it didn't seem to affect her ability to scream her head off at me every time she couldn't get her own way!

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Elasticwoman · 19/05/2008 21:56

I always say headaches are usually caused by one or more of 3 things: dehydration (so drink water) lack of fresh air & exercise (so go play in the garden) and lack of sleep (so go to bed early). If all those things are in place and she still has sore head tomorrow, give her paracetomol and send her to school - unless she has v high temperature or gives other cause for concern.

Elasticwoman · 19/05/2008 21:57

Although this time of night she's probably in bed already ...

MrsWeasley · 19/05/2008 22:03

smartiejake: Sorry you are going through this but your DD sounds just like my DD (aged 12) even down to the notes on my pillow.
My DD was off today also because she felt sick & had a headache, but has pigged out all day (DH was home with her)and has been fighting with siblings. Not to mention screaming, singing at the top of her voice.

I will be watching this thread with interest.

jammi · 19/05/2008 22:10

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smartiejake · 19/05/2008 22:17

I am always telling her to drink more but she says she is not thirsty and of course I tell her she doesn't need to be thirsty to drink what she needs. SHe goes to bed at 9 during the week but is rarely asleep till 10 or even later (it was nearly 11 last night.)

I dragged her out in the fresh air when I went to pick my other dd up from an after school club and she complained all the way but perked up when we got home.

I actually think her headaches stem from a concussion she received from a charming boy at school who lost his temper (who said private school pupils are well behaved!) She was pushed backwards and banged the back of her head. My osteo (who I have been treated by for a long time) thinks she might have jarred her neck and the headaches did seem to start at this time. WIll see what he says on weds when he examines her.

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MrsWeasley · 19/05/2008 23:04

my DD refused to drink because she only likes pepsi, Not something we have at home

Elasticwoman · 20/05/2008 18:39

Bringing up a teen is hard enough without having to contend with their taking advantage of a divorce/split relationship.

Jammi I feel more sorry for you than for Smartie!

Smartie did you see my suggestion that she keep in email contact with her dad during the week? Sorry to hear about that blow to the back of the head; of course the headaches may well be caused by that.

cory · 20/05/2008 19:02

Not to mention that puberty can also bring on headaches.

smartiejake · 20/05/2008 20:16

SHe talks to her dad every day on the phone when he is away in London and he also has a web cam on his laptop and they sometimes talk on that (but the last few weeks have been mad with client dinners so he's not got back until late so they haven't done that in the last few weeks.)

I had a hell of a job getting her to go to school this morning. Lots of screaming and tantrums and throwing herself about like "kevin" big time. But I dosed her up and made her go and she came home very cheerful. (AGHHHHH!!! she's like bloody Jeckl and Hyde)

I think the fact I have not given in over this has paid off. She has been much calmer this evening and knows that all treats will be off next week in half term if she doesn't toe the line.

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smartiejake · 20/05/2008 20:18

Meant to say Jammi- sounds like you are going through hell with your sd2 sorry you are having such a hard time.

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jammi · 20/05/2008 20:51

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jammi · 20/05/2008 20:52

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theheadgirl · 20/05/2008 21:54

Oh I've got one too! My dd1 is 12, but over the last year has started with really angry tantrums that can be started with the smallest things. I always try to listen and calm her down, but recently I've come to the end of my tether with it, and the way it upsets me and DD2 (10yrs). I've had to say that she's part of the family and these moods are taking over all of us. She gets a warning, then a punishment of some sort (eg. sent to her room, no computer time, etc) I have to confess though, I don't know what I'm doing and as the only adult in the house, its very hard

Elasticwoman · 21/05/2008 14:43

theheadgirl - I notice you refer to sending angry dd to her room as a punishment. Is that how you characterise it to her? If so, maybe it would help to let her see that time out on her own is a helpful suggestion on your part - what she needs to calm down. Otherwise the next step on her part may be to slam door and stomp off. Just a thought. Of course, if she doesn't respond to your suggestion you might then get heavy.

I think we must be careful not to suggest our children shouldn't have feelings - just that they must express them appropriately and be aware of what effect it has on others.

theheadgirl · 21/05/2008 15:42

Thats a good point Elastic woman. I sometimes try to explain that we all feel frustrated, and angry by life. But as adults we learn not to explode and we cope with our feelings (mostly!)
There are times when I send her to her room as a punishment, mainly when her tantrum is protracted and is starting to upset us all. I find it hard to strike the balance between being sympathetic to her mood, and saying look, enough now, this is not on.....

SecondhandRose · 21/05/2008 19:52

I can recommend lots of cuddling. It works a treat for calming. Praise and reward good behaviour. Like you say carry out all threats and don't make threats that are not achievable.

My DH's favourite line is 'don't engage' don't allow her to wind you up. Don't reply to her BS and it can't go any further. Give it a try.

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