School refusal help

blimpsd · 2025-05-09T10:34:56+00:00

Does anyone have experience of this or can direct me to other threads, I’ve used search but can’t see anything - am sure there must be discussion on this. My 13 year old has started to refuse to go to school, it’s on days where she has lessons that she doesn’t enjoy or doesn’t like the teacher. I’ve tried having sensible conversations and she agrees with me, but then the mornings come and she just won’t get ready, gets really upset and actually quite abusive. Shes gone from grumbling about going in to point blank refusal - it’s only happened twice (last two weeks, I’ve had to keep her home as I can’t physically make her go) up until now I’ve been pretty good at turning her around but i feel like its getting worse, its becoming a battle and needs to nipped in the bud before she outright refuses to go in at all. She doesn’t have sen, she is doing well; not massively academic, but gets lots of good behaviour merits - the teachers seem to like her and her last parent’s evening was brilliant. All her friendships seem very healthy. Is she just pushing boundaries/hormones? How have you managed this. She’s also displaying all the other teen stereotypes- messy room, moody etc. Really would appreciate any help, and express sympathy to those who are further down the line with children who refuse to go in at all.

Pancakeflipper · 09/05/2025 11:42

The school should a Welfare and Attendance member of staff. They should be looking into patterns of absence (is it the same day, a particular lesson etc..). Get in contact with them, speak to the Pastoral lead, Head of Year etc. Try and find out what is going on.

And your local authority should also have an Attendance officer or something similar that you and the school can talk to if this continues.

Schools should have mental health support access, which might be worth your daughter doing so she can chat through her concerns, worries. There will be a reason behind this behaviour - it's finding out what it is, she might not even know herself.

TeenToTwenties · 09/05/2025 11:48

When she is calm can she talk about what the issue is?
Is it a setted subject, could she move sets?

Behaviour is communication. If she is normally well behaved at school I suspect something is amiss in the classroom. (Not aimed at teacher specifically)

lolalei3 · 09/05/2025 11:49

Following… I could have written this myself! I feel for you OP my daughter is the same age too.

beasmithwentworth · 09/05/2025 11:53

Op get yourself on ‘not fine in school’ Facebook group. It’s worth creating a FB account for it if you aren’t on there. I had 5 years of this and you need support and good advice from the thousands of parents on there that who have been through this and continue to do so.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 09/05/2025 11:58

What is she doing during the day? Can you turn the wifi off

The reality is yes she may not like the teacher but how many people don’t like their managers / boss that doesn’t mean we just don’t go

waterrat · 09/05/2025 12:22

hi Op - my 11 year old refused to go to school for several months - it gradually worsened from some days to total violent refusal. She is now back in school part time - she does have autism however.

Firstly I would not waste time listening to advice from anyone who has not directly experienced this. They don't understand - believe me, I know a lot about this subject - and can speak as someone who has actually gone against the grain and got my kid back into schoool so I'm not anti school.

so - firstly - why is she refusing? You haven't said. The first step is to really fully understand why she doesn't want to go - you need to dig, dig, dig - listen without judgement. Don't start a conversation while trying to also get her to school - this needs to be zero pressure.

Its very very stressful for you - but try to remember you are more likely to get to the bottom of it if you see the bigger picture rather than whether or not she goes in today/ tomorrow - you are looking for a long term solution.

So - is this specific issues - teacher/friends etc/

Are you sure she has no SEN? what do teachers think?

Can you talk through her whole day and find which parts she is struggling with?

Have meetings with every single person you can think of at school - and ask THEM what they think the solution is

let them see you are doing your best.

beasmithwentworth · 09/05/2025 12:25

Just to add..
I learnt a lot about EBSA / school ‘refusal’ in my years of dealing with my own DD (it started very similarly to yours, aged 13). At the risk of stating the obvious (sorry!) it’s incredibly rare for young people to struggle with school attendance without an underlying reason beyond what they may be communicating. They often can’t articulate why they are struggling themselves. My DD still can’t fully articulate exactly what it was and she’s now 18, so it’s really tricky.

Hopefully for both of you this could just be a phase… we are not a million miles away from summer which is always a good break.

However there can be other small signs that creep in thAt can be indicative of wider struggles.. more time in her room, seeing friends less, less communication and just not seeming as sparky or enthused about other things. My DD started self harming as she couldn’t face the thought of school. Not to scare you of course but it’s just wise to pay attention to them without drawing attention to the fact that you are doing so.

In many many cases it’s ‘can’t’ not ‘won’t’ .. is she saying she does actually want to be able to go in on the days when she doesn’t as mine did? It was definitely ‘can’t’ for her. If they have friends at school and are getting on ok academically then most will want to be just like their peers whether they love school or not.

If this is the case, then despite some outdated advice that some caregivers and health providers / people that haven’t been through what you are going through still give - turning off the Wi-Fi / not letting her see friends etc is the wrong advice. They should not be punished for something that they can’t do abc it cuts them, furthering the isolation.

There are cases of course where young people simply don’t want to go or ‘cba’ … but these are far less common.

on a final note - I almost fell off my chair when it was suggested to me that my DD could be autistic at that age. No signs of any struggles at all until she started having problems at school. Thrived in primary, loads of friends, no communication problems.. But after a long wait she was eventually diagnosed as being autistic and with ADHD.

Obviously I am only speaking from my only experience here.. but girls are incredible maskers and our experience is very common.
Good luck and join the Facebook group. Hopefully you won’t need to be on there for long but if you do it’s incredibly valuable and supportive.

YourAquaTurtle · 22/05/2025 17:16

That sounds really stressful, especially when everything else (school reports, friendships, behaviour) seems to be going well. You’re definitely not alone though. My daughter went through a similar phase at 13, mornings became a battle and the refusal always seemed to pop up on the days she “couldn’t face” her P.E. lessons.

It can be so hard to know whether it’s emotional overload, avoidance, or just typical teen resistance. For us, it helped to step back from trying to “logic” her into going and instead look at what was triggering the dread. Sometimes they don’t even fully understand it themselves.

What actually helped my DD was an app called luna (https://weareluna.app/?utm_campaign=mumsnet_share&utm_id=_1) because there's specific articles, videos on there about school and wellbeing. But it was her own thing, so it didn't feel like I was preaching at her. There's emotion trackers too, and I really trust it because it's made by doctors.

You’re doing a great job though, this stuff is really really hard

Original poster

blimpsd · 24/05/2025 11:16