How do I set boundaries with my 17-year-old daughter without damaging our relationship?

[sweetlikeme]

My 17-year-old daughter recently moved out to live with her dad, saying that we argued too much. While I know things weren’t perfect, I believe part of the reason she moved was because she gets her own way more easily there and I have rules, like not allowing her to throw a house party when I was away - which was the catalyst for her moving out and not speaking to me for 3 months.

Since moving out, she hardly takes any time to see me or speak with me.
She rarely responds to my messages promptly, often ignores my calls, and generally shows little interest in keeping in touch. Last weekend, I invited her out for a special (and expensive) mother and daughter afternoon tea, at the Ivy, as a treat because she was away on mothers day and I didn't see her, first she said yes, then she she was too busy with college work. I later found out this wasn’t true she just didn’t want to commit in case her friends made other plans. She only contacted me when those plans fell through, but by then I’d made other arrangements

When I do see her, which has only been twice in the past month, even though she lives just 10 minutes away, she’s often short-tempered or distant. On another occasion, I deliberately kept the weekend free for her, but she still didn’t make time for me, saying she hadn’t seen a friend in three weeks—even though she hadn’t seen me in just as long.

I’m trying hard not to make things worse, but I feel incredibly hurt and undervalued. I cared for her for five difficult years when she was unwell and hardly at school, it was a really tough time, with little support from her father. Now that she’s doing better, she’s chosen to live with him, and it feels like I’ve been cast aside—like I don’t matter anymore, or I’m just a backup option when nothing else is going on.

Today, after sending me short, one-word replies for the past 2 days, and taking a full day to respond to my messages, she texted asking if she can take four friends to my partner’s holiday home in Ireland. I feel really conflicted. On one hand, I don’t want to damage our relationship further. On the other, I feel used and disrespected. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to treat me with some kindness and consideration before asking for big favours like this.
I know she’s only 17 and that teens can be selfish—it’s part of growing up—but this situation is causing me real emotional distress. Im not sleeping and I feel like I put so much in to her care and being a mother and that I've failed terribly so Im desperate for a connection with her. I’ve decided to stop inviting her over, or making plans for now because I feel like I’m chasing someone who has no interest, and it’s damaging my self-respect. I do message her every day to check in on her and often she doesn't read my messages and I don't hear from her for a day.. then is a yes, or no or a short reply. Her father hates me, he is dragging me through court, and we are going through a horrible divorce and no doubt she is picking up on this and the fact that he's not speaking to me.

How can I respond to her message about the holiday home in a way that sets a clear boundary, expresses how I feel, but doesn’t escalate things further? Please help. I obviously cant get this right.

thank you so much

I would try to arrange short meet ups - a coffee Saturday morning for example or a trip to the cinema so it’s less intense conversation.

my dd is 17 and although lives at home I do feel her pulling away. We don’t see her as much at all but she is good at replying to WhatsApp at least. I did tell her I missed her recently and wondered if we could find some time to catch up or watch a tv series together. The best thing to do is to be there but I think we do need to step back, hard as it is.

This sounds hard!

I’d continue to work on building up communication and time with her.

I’d say no to big requests like that and give my reason as given the current situation between you day to day it’s not a sensible idea.

I’d probably ask her to pop in or phone to discuss it rather than texting my decision.

@TeenLifeMum I try all the time, but my messages are left unopened for 24 hours or she just says shes too busy. sometimes she calls and says that I can come 'now' or nothing.. so i end up running to see her. I feel like Im at her beck and call and like there's no respect really..

In response to the holiday home request, I’d say something like, I’m not completely against the idea but let’s have a chat about that when you’re next here and we can make sure we’re both happy with any plans. When works for you? I’m free xyz.

She's being very cheeky asking to borrow your partner's house, after treating you so indifferently. You're well within your rights to say no. (Although isn't it your partner's decision?)

I think you should stop texting her every day and arranging special treats. She's 17 so it's a natural age for her to pull away. I'm not saying "drop her", but you can be there for her without forcing it. She'll respect you more if you prioritise yourself a little more.

Stop chasing every day. At 17 she is moving on to being independent, and texting on a daily basis just sends the message that you are begging for her attention. Let her know you realise she has her own life and don't want to hassle her. Then you can send a message once a week to just say hope your week's going well, and occasionally mention you have a free day/ time if she fancies a coffee.

As to the holiday home, refer her to your partner. It's his property and she needs to ask him. He would need to know who was going and have guarantees on behaviour anyway before saying yes.

Parental relationships, just like other relationships, require honesty and boundary setting.

I would tell her that her behaviour has been incredibly hurtful and that, currently, the answer is no.

If you act like a doormat, she will treat you like one.

Tell her that you are open to re establishing a good relationship but that it takes two to tango.

@zaxxon I think you're right. I feel awful about myself. like im just here as an when she's at a loose end or wants something. but i don't want to drive a wedge between us

Why is her dad dragging you through court? She is 17 and can choose who to live with. Courts don't need to be involved

I don't know the answer to this, it is a very difficult one. It sounds like she's lost respect for you, so I certainly would not be facilitating the holiday request. She'll be walking all over you.

I imagine if you contact her wanting to ‘see her to discuss the Ireland plans’ she’ll respond immediately. Thereafter I’d set up a face to face to tell her the impact of her behaviour on you recently. Don’t be accusatory but just hear her side of why she’s truly being like that. Thereafter it’s up to yiu based on what you heard how you want to proceed and perhaps take it as an opportunity to discuss prioritising maintains a healthy and involved relationship with each other also.

@Mumof1andacat I have been a carer for my daugher who was on disability benefits because of her mental health and school avoidance for 5 years. I can't get a mortgage and he is a high earner, but he wont agree to giving me more than 50% of the marital home when its sold. he is also refusing to any spousal maintenance.

This is what I would do.

Then I would back right off, I do think you are trying too hard to make a connection. I have three DC living away from home at the moment, sometimes we have meaningful conversations but mostly our communication is light-hearted and based on some shared interest. So DC1 and I swap recipes that we have tried with photos of our attempts, DC2 and I both do word games and share the results when we've done particularly well (or badly), and DC3 and I mostly swap pictures of puppies. There is no expectation of any quick or detailed response, just a way of keeping contact going between us, and definitely not every day. Then if we have something we need to talk about someone calls or organises a catch up.
It does mean you need to get on with your own life so you have something to occupy yourself and something to talk about when you see her.

You had your reasons for not allowing a house party. 4 17 year olds in a holiday home, that’s not yours could have the same results.

it is a truly difficult one, she has been your life through the most difficult time in hers and you are almost institutionalised in your need to make sure she is ok. I would try and find a reason they can’t use the holiday home, then find your own hobbies so you are not constantly worrying about her.

she will come around but it may take time, keep the doors open and send a how are you, I’ve just been scuba diving here’s some pics kind of thing so your texts aren’t always about her.

Sorry if I’m reading the situation a bit wrong but this is certainly how I felt when my dd was that age and the holiday home would have been a no following that behaviour.

good luck.

Think this is so right on both accounts. Many teens at this age pretty egocentric- want you when they want something and can be quite dismissive otherwise. Not saying it’s right but it’s how it can be. If you try all the time it could have the opposite effect to which you would like. Keep in touch lightly- and offer a coffee every so often - but just let her know you are there for her if she needs you.

I would try and find a reason they can’t use the holiday home

It's not up to OP, is it. It's her partner's house. DD needs to ask him directly. OP should tell her that and refuse to act as a go-between.

You're trying too hard. The daily messages need to stop, as do the requests to meet-up. You are appearing far too available, and desperate for a crumb of attention. Back-off completely. Check-in once a week. Your daughter is 17, are the other people she wants to travel to Ireland with 18? If 4 under 18's turn up, could that invalidate any home insurance?! Tell your daughter that the property isn't yours, and therefore she needs to ask your partner directly, as it's his decision, not yours. Tell her when he's available for her to come and discuss it! My guess is, she'll be there like a shot!

I don't think it's realistic to say the decision about the holiday home is entirely up to OP's partner. Realistically it needs a Yes from both of them.

OP, dont chase her for a bit. Be friendly but distant.
She will come back to you. Hugs!

DH had a 14yr old daughter when I met him. She preferred to be with her mum, as there was less discipline. There was a big row when DH put his foot down about staying up late at night on school nights, his daughter voted with her feet and stopped visiting. Despite DH's best efforts, a 15yr estrangement followed. DH's ex fanned the flames. So I do understand the dilemma you face OP, because kids with separated parents can play the arrangement to their advantage, in a way that kids with 'together' parents can't.

DH and his daughter have an occasional, tricky relationship these days. But he still thinks he was right about late nights/school nights, and I agree with him.

I would definitely say no to the holiday home. That could really end in chaos. She's proven she can't be trusted with groups of girls in the way she had the party at your house. Can you just say something like he says it's not convenient? Or he doesn't want to let a group of teenagers stay there? Or he could even say he's not insured for under 18 but that could then create another problem when she is 18. Maybe he's not insured for under 35-year-olds! I would play it more cool at the moment. With a temper like that she's going to go off her father pretty quickly. You are giving them both fuel at the moment. Also, I think she is reading your messages just not opening them on the app. I'm sure they flash up on her screen. Maybe send your messages every two or three days instead and just find cheerful. For instance you could say have you been watching whatever on Netflix. Whatever you do don't beg her to meet you. When you think about it, a lot of kids that age are living away from home anyway so maybe you should think of it like that instead of her thinking of her living with her dad.

It will improve in the future but she just has to grow up a hell of a lot. Remember that at the moment you are a common enemy for her and her father. If you take yourself out of the battle they will just end up fighting themselves.

I mean this kindly, but you need to back off and take a step back. It’s stifling and overwhelming for a teenager, when they just want to be out enjoying themselves with their friends. It’s totally natural, but I know it’s hard. If you have a life she will respect you a lot more.

There’s great advice up thread how other mum’s communicate.

I’m guessing she’s also an only child, so you’ve always been hyper focused on her.

For the holiday home, it’s obviously a joint decision between you and your DP. (Is it covered by insurance etc).

Some teenagers just need handling and it’s NOT always easy but you can do it. Good luck 💐

I personally would not trust them with his holiday home. It sounds like she would have no problem disappointing you and causing damage to the place.
As others have said i would just msg every few days to check in.
I have similar aged children who I would hate not to be close to so I understand the natural need to know how they are.
But she sounds very immature for her age and that she hasn't clicked that you also have feelings.
Hopefully as she gets older she will start to give you more time and consideration.

I say this kindly but I think you need to give her a bit of space. My dd is 17 and they’re at the age where they want more independence and often friends come first. I grew up with a mum who I felt was very dependent on me and to a degree still is, if we haven’t spoken in a few days despite texting she’ll answer the phone with “hello stranger”. It makes me feel really pressured and overwhelmed.

Regarding the house, I’d ask her to meet up for a chat with you and your dp to talk it through.