My 17-year-old daughter recently moved out to live with her dad, saying that we argued too much. While I know things weren’t perfect, I believe part of the reason she moved was because she gets her own way more easily there and I have rules, like not allowing her to throw a house party when I was away - which was the catalyst for her moving out and not speaking to me for 3 months.
Since moving out, she hardly takes any time to see me or speak with me.
She rarely responds to my messages promptly, often ignores my calls, and generally shows little interest in keeping in touch. Last weekend, I invited her out for a special (and expensive) mother and daughter afternoon tea, at the Ivy, as a treat because she was away on mothers day and I didn't see her, first she said yes, then she she was too busy with college work. I later found out this wasn’t true she just didn’t want to commit in case her friends made other plans. She only contacted me when those plans fell through, but by then I’d made other arrangements
When I do see her, which has only been twice in the past month, even though she lives just 10 minutes away, she’s often short-tempered or distant. On another occasion, I deliberately kept the weekend free for her, but she still didn’t make time for me, saying she hadn’t seen a friend in three weeks—even though she hadn’t seen me in just as long.
I’m trying hard not to make things worse, but I feel incredibly hurt and undervalued. I cared for her for five difficult years when she was unwell and hardly at school, it was a really tough time, with little support from her father. Now that she’s doing better, she’s chosen to live with him, and it feels like I’ve been cast aside—like I don’t matter anymore, or I’m just a backup option when nothing else is going on.
Today, after sending me short, one-word replies for the past 2 days, and taking a full day to respond to my messages, she texted asking if she can take four friends to my partner’s holiday home in Ireland. I feel really conflicted. On one hand, I don’t want to damage our relationship further. On the other, I feel used and disrespected. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to treat me with some kindness and consideration before asking for big favours like this.
I know she’s only 17 and that teens can be selfish—it’s part of growing up—but this situation is causing me real emotional distress. Im not sleeping and I feel like I put so much in to her care and being a mother and that I've failed terribly so Im desperate for a connection with her. I’ve decided to stop inviting her over, or making plans for now because I feel like I’m chasing someone who has no interest, and it’s damaging my self-respect. I do message her every day to check in on her and often she doesn't read my messages and I don't hear from her for a day.. then is a yes, or no or a short reply. Her father hates me, he is dragging me through court, and we are going through a horrible divorce and no doubt she is picking up on this and the fact that he's not speaking to me.
How can I respond to her message about the holiday home in a way that sets a clear boundary, expresses how I feel, but doesn’t escalate things further? Please help. I obviously cant get this right.
thank you so much