Difficult 17DD

[Flyhigher]

Difficult 17 DD. How did other mums cope?
my DD is very difficult. Always talks over me puts me down. Everything I do is wrong. She cosies up to my husband and he joins in or at least doesn’t stop her or say anything. He often competes for her attention and then puts me down continually in front of her.
This is so hard. Has anyone had anything like this? How did they cope? She’s breaking me. And he is helping. She’s an only child. But I think her peers are all difficult too. How can I cope or survive? I’ve had 5 years of this already. My MIL and mother both need care and have dementia.

how does anyone cope?

I have tried. He just rebuts me and glories in being the chosen one.

This sounds utterly exhausting and isolating. Teen girls can be so hard, especially when there’s tension in the house and you're not feeling supported.

The dynamic with your husband sounds particularly painful. Being undermined like that, especially in front of your daughter, is really really not ok.

You're not alone though, I've had similar struggles, and honestly, it’s sometimes less about fixing your teen and more about finding ways to protect yourself emotionally so you can keep going

It’s okay to admit it feels like too much, especially with the added pressure of caring for both your mum and MIL. That’s a huge load for one person.
You might find some of the stuff here helpful: weareluna.app/parents/guides/ it’s focused on navigating situations with teens, but there’s a real focus on keeping your connection with them.

And it's got an app for teens that might help your teen be more respectful?

Hope you're ok, this really is so tough

Id tell them I was going on strike until they treated me with respect. So I’d stop doing food shopping, cooking, washing cleaning, lifts etc. You cannot continue to let them treat you looked this.x

I say this as someone who had two teenage DDs. It did get difficult at times, eg. DD1 once told me to “fuck off”. I calmly told her if she ever said that again to me or any family member she would instantly lose all money for her phone and any lifts. I would 100% have carried through with it. She never did it again and although by the time she went to uni I was very ready for her to go we didn’t actually fall out because we did respect each other.

As they are so wonderfully in tune with each I'd be leaving them both to it genuinely.

I'm in the same sytuation but my girl is 15.5 so I have long way to go... All started when she was around 12. My husband and her are one team against me. Unfortunately my sytuation is complex and also if I leave house will be left to him and I will go out with little money if I go for divorce. Even solicitor has no advice because I will be paying child maintenance. I work for NHS so don't earn a lot band 3. So when me and solicitor calculated I won't survive if I move out and rent out. Another thing is I'm scared that he completely twist her against me and also about social punishment. How mother can leave... I'm stressed constantly she laugh at me swears at me. Amount of abuse I'm taking is horrendous. I'm waiting for counselling for nearly 2 years. I don't think me and her will have any contact in the future. I just wait when she finish education and I move out. I'm in this for 3 years already and I know how do you feel.

In your circumstances I would be blaming my husband and ignoring or disciplining my DD depending on the situation. She’s a teen - they are crazy - stop letting it get to you. Your DH being an asshole is a more fundamental problem (and a bit your resilience : lack of self worth that you allow her to “break you”).

This!!!!

Mine will give her money drop her off and prize her daily how great she is... Nothing works.

My dd17 criticises me continuously and will it accept even the smallest boundary back.

Are all our teens just really all mentally ill? Have we just wrecked them by allowing mobile phones? And you tube and everything else?

Everyone says boundaries. Boundaries.

It doesn’t work. They go nuts.

The thing is, given you husband’s behaviour, can you actually enforce those boundaries, or does he run to her rescue, gives her money/lifts /whatever you’re restricting and laughs with her about silly mum?

He takes her side all the time. He wants her onside. But also she plays him. It’s not all his fault. A lot of it is though.

And that’s why boundaries don’t work for her.

What she’s doing is pretty normal. I see it play out in schools (and households) all the time. Children asking for things from the adult they perceive as “nicer”, often asking even after being told no or knowing it’s against the rules. They often try to play adults against eachother “miss said” , “sir lets me” etc.

They’re kids.. young, stupid, selfish , impulsive and only focused on what they want in the moment. They will play the game if they lnow they’ll get away with it/it works. The blame fully lies at the adult’s feet, in this case , your husband. Especially if him undermining you puts her in danger, you mentioned underage sex, getting drunk etc.

He does undermine me all the time. She is very manipulative. But yes it’s his fault.

How old was she when she got a phone?

She’s taking a lead from him. He’s setting a bad example. He should be on your side, not hers. She sounds like she needs very firm boundaries

I have a 17 year old DD and she’s not like this and neither are her friends- in fact, they’re a mostly lovely bunch, with the occasional teen drama if course, but nothing toxic or destructive

Too young. Got one at 8. To play games and that was kind of ok. But not. Again not my decision. Husband gave her a phone. And got a full phone at secondary school.