Difficult 17DD

[Flyhigher]

Difficult 17 DD. How did other mums cope?
my DD is very difficult. Always talks over me puts me down. Everything I do is wrong. She cosies up to my husband and he joins in or at least doesn’t stop her or say anything. He often competes for her attention and then puts me down continually in front of her.
This is so hard. Has anyone had anything like this? How did they cope? She’s breaking me. And he is helping. She’s an only child. But I think her peers are all difficult too. How can I cope or survive? I’ve had 5 years of this already. My MIL and mother both need care and have dementia.

how does anyone cope?

They are so hard hearted you wouldn’t believe it.

I have just turned 18 year old can have bad attitude now and again, mid A-levels, so very stressed. Being rude to you 20 times a day is not on. What is the financial set up, could you take yourself off to a hotel for a few days. No human should be constantly put down by the two other occupants in their home.
If you threatened your husband with leaving would he change?

That should read DD has just turned 18.

My daughter is the same, same age but husband is supportive of me so makes things easier. It feels like we are so trapped sometimes. Like there’s just an awful tension hovering constantly.
My daughter is going to uni in September all being well so hopefully that will be the improvement we need for our relationship, a bit of space. I’m looking forward to hoping she realises she wants to be around me and I aren’t that bad after all 😅
Sorry I have no advice but I wanted to share you aren’t alone and hopefully things improve.

How awful op. It's not remotely ok.

Do you have friends or family who could speak to your daughter. I have a number of friends who would be very quick to speak up in a jokey way if my daughter was cheeky or disrespectful in front of them. I know some parents hate when others say anything to their children but I don’t. I am friends with people for a reason. Sorry OP I know I am posting loads on this, but your situation has struck me as just bloody awful.

Yes, of course. Message me 🙂

I would certainly be looking to leave the relationship once my daughter went off to university but to be honest I'd be looking at going now. They are bullying you.

No idea why I keep getting repeated messages.

I would certainly be looking to leave the relationship once my daughter went off to university but to be honest I'd be looking at going now. They are bullying you.

Why wait until she goes to uni? Why not look at going now? There is another 16 months before she goes to uni. Why allow them both to bully you? My Mum did this with my sister but instead of it being toward my Dad, it was toward me. I wish I could have left sooner.

Gather all the information you need about finances, a rough house value, the outstanding mortgage and go and see a solicitor to get the lay of the land. At least then you know you can leave.

Contempt is a relationship killer. It would be very hard to come back from everything they have put you through and especially your Dh as he is the adult. If they both dislike you so much then why are they both still living in the same house as you? Because no doubt you do a lot of the domestic labour. Maybe you should reconsider what stuff you do for both of them. Surely now is the time your DD takes responsibility for her laundry, food shopping and cooking meals in order to get her ready for university life.

No.

he’s breaking you and she’s copying.

I agree you need to leave them to it. You are worth so much more than this abuse from your husband and soon to be adult DD.

Leave this relationship once you can.

Shes 17 so can manage herself well enough. I'd spend as much time as possible away from them both. Go out.
Walk out the room once they start on you. Start your life away from them both.

Has HE always been like this? Is she copying his behaviour?

You've got a husband problem, not a daughter problem.

What your DD is doing is developmentaly normal, although she sounds like she's really leaning into it!

But your husband's job here is to hold the line of what's acceptable. Not to glory in being the favourite. He sounds like a child himself. You and him need a very serious chat without your daughter being present. And he needs to do much, much better.

He’s the problem. His weakness has enabled your dd’s behaviour to get completely out of hand. He has damaged the relationships between all of you.

This will sound very cold but I would stop caring for his mother. Tell
him that it is all his responsibility now. Concentrate on your own mother.

And I would see a solicitor sooner rather than later to get the separation going.

As well as all the above l hope you are not taking care of his Mom with dementia and that he is pulling his weight there.
Your dd will improve when these years are over but your dh won't by the sounds of it. If you decide to divorce don't blame your dd in any conversation with him as it's his behaviour that's out of line. If he supported you and your own tank was full you would cope better with your dd.
Blame for the divorce cannot rest on your dd.

You need a plan of action op. You can not allow this to continue.

1. Sit dh down and tell him how his behaviour is affecting you. Explain that you feel bullied and humiliated in your own home, and its abuse, plain and simple. It either stops immediately or the marriage is over and be prepared with the facts. Get some legal advice, and look him dead in the eye. No one can bully you unless you let them op. Get some support from women’s aid and other agencies. Do not bring your dd into this discussion. This is not about her, it’s about his willingness to go along with such poor behaviour at your expense.

2. Pack a bag leave it in the boot of the car. Charger included etc and when they next start being awful, tell them you have had enough and leave immediately. Go to a lovely hotel (draw out cash so they can’t track you) and turn off your phone for the night. A short, sharp shock of life without you. Order room service, swim and watch a film, don’t rush back. Lay out your conditions for returning.

You can take control of this situation, currently you are passively putting up with it. Stop. You deserve much more than a life like this op. Good luck, continue to source support on here.

I have 3 teen girls, so know it’s hard and solidarity op. Stronger position is needed to demand, not ask or beg for respect. In doing so, you are actually being a great role model too.

If you can’t leave the home and relationship or don’t want to right now, if I were you I would completely withdraw from them both. Totally ignore them and do nothing for either of them. Go out and enjoy your life, find hobbies, see friends, live your life and be happy. Nothing will wind them up more. Fuck them. Your DD is a teen and could come out the other side after a while and realise she’s been an arsehole but your husband is an adult with no excuse

I don't think you should leave now, but should absolutely do so in 18 months when she's left for university.

I wanted to leave when my DC was at that stage, but was advised not to because you'll always be accused of leaving her. Abandoning her. Walking out on her.

She'll harbour resentment forever (in a way that DC never seem to against dads 🤬)

Wish I’d had a boy. And also tbf a girl earlier before social media. It’s much harder now I think to parent a girl with social media added in the mix

This horrible situation has had a benefit because it's shown your husband in his true light. He's a prick as it turns out. You deserve better, so leave them both to it as soon as you can.

Your daughter is 17- so could possibly have the excuse of being immature. But your husband? On no no no . He is setting the tone and she is following his lead because children will often copy abusers - just because they see the world as winners and losers.
Has your husband always been like this? Is this some sort of pathetic reaction to your daughter getting older- he wants to be in with 'the cool kids'?

Honestly I would leave them to it. And that includes his mother. But say to your daughter, if she ever grows up and feels a pang of guilt at what she has done to her mother, you will be there for her.

Ingrained misogyny takes a long time to grow out of 😕

I have just turned 18 year old can have bad attitude now and again, mid A-levels, so very stressed

I had it earlier with DD1 as I think she was more stressed with her A-levels though it hung around till she left for uni but I'm getting it last week or two from DS just truned 18 and about to sit A-levels.

It's a huge help that DH or youngest aren't joining in. DD1 much better since going to uni - seems to like us and me again.

Though DH does try and do this every now and again - it's how his Dad is with his Mum though she often plays up her daftness and it often when he has huge work stress - and frankly I can and do push back on it though helps kids tend to see it as well.

So I think it's a mix of age and stress at the minute - sometimes I just walk away other times deal with it with them - calmly pointing out I don't appreciate it.

I don't think I'd have coped with 5 years of it and with DH joining in - but I do wonder how you are responding to it - can you sit down with DH and tell him to stop or not. TBH if he like this I'd plan to leave when DD at uni - it will still impact her but frankly who needs this.

I did know two couple when the husband was like this but with much younger kids - one split husband went off and few years down the line the mum had new parnter also had a child - but the kids seemed happier and it's one of the few blended families that seemed to really work. Other couple emmigrated - they thought another fresh start and away form extended meddling family would help - she was miserable a year out but then we lost touch.

Well. You don’t have to wait until she is at university to leave. Honestly, what woykd the reaction be from him if you told him the marriage wasn’t working for you anymore and you wanted to split?