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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

my teenagers pregnant!

56 replies

pinklemonstoo · 18/05/2008 00:23

:O
Shes 18.
I don't know what to do really....

what would you do?

OP posts:
TheWiltedRose · 18/05/2008 01:16

Oh i guess i should should stop going to gigs and shagging random people then...

ttriflenorks · 18/05/2008 01:24

she is 18, it could be so much worse.
I have a friend whose daughter was 13 when she fell pregnant. The daughter wanted the baby and nothing any one said would persuade her otherwise and believe me my friend tried, her daughter is now 23 with a degree and a masters, and she is taking HER daughter out of school for a year so they can both travel (something about friends GD being on the gifted list and being in a yr 6 class when she is a yr 5)

nappyaddict · 18/05/2008 01:37

btw is she retaking her A2s now? if so i don't understand why she is going to be at home for another year? even if she doesn't want to move out still put her name down on the council list. they probably won't find anything for 2 years at which point she might want to move out. she can always turn the house down if she doesn't want it but least the oppurtunity is there.

Tortington · 18/05/2008 01:40

this POV comes from two quarters.

as a mother i can say that i want so much more form my child than for he or him to have the responsability of a child at 18 or younger. ( and it might mappen yet believe me)

as a person pg at 16 - i can also testify that life dosn't end that you can carry on with education - and that occasionally you might have good times with your friends

my personal opinion is that being single without children is not the same as having a child

its just not

you cant do the same things

you dont have the same outlook on life

you are more mature ( thank god) as you have another life to consider

as a mother i want my childern to enjoy life without being responsible for another perons - without the gas bill leccy bill council tax, housing problems, shitty job, milk tokens benefit claims

as a mother i want my children enjoy youth

that might not sit well with teenage mums. but want mychildren to experience adult life - without children

children give you a different outlook - completely adn rightly. they do.

i am not saying that teenage mums are bad or wrong or anything - i was one - but i was one and i now have three teenage children so i am in the zone my kids - could have kids

and i dont want them too

being a teenage mum isn;t wrong

but i personally do not think its the ideal.

noddyholder · 18/05/2008 06:25

Does she definitely want to have this baby at this stage in her life|?

elesbells · 18/05/2008 06:41

agree totally with custy.

My older girls are 17 and 19 and I would be so upset if they were pg now.

I had my eldest at 17 and I missed out on a lot. I'd hate for them to have the life that I had back then.

Of course you will support your dd - you will have to but, at the same time, I totally understand your shock and sadness of it all.

The end result though will be a beautiful grandchild that you will no doubt adore, love and cherish like your own. (and of course you will become an unpaid babysitter )

I wish you good luck

alfiesbabe · 18/05/2008 10:46

agree with Custy. This isn't the end of the world, but it's far from ideal. I was 30 ish when i started my family, and I still have moments when I wish I'd done more before having kids. An 18 year old is an adult, and therefore she must make her own decisions, but most 18 year olds have very little life experience, and as custy says, we just want and expect a lot more for our teenagers than to be weighed down with the responsibility of another life.
Agree that you need to be there for her - that's all you can do. But would add that I think it's the emotional 'being there' that's the really important thing. Let her know that you love her, it may be tough but there are routes through this and it doesnt have to mean the end of her education etc. On a practical level, I think you need to think carefully. I don't know what your own circumstances are, but there's a very real danger in this kind of situation that you could end up feeling pressure to take on parenting responsibilities, rather than just being a grandparent. You have your own life to lead, and it's important that you don't just hand it over to your dd and end up looking after her child. I'm saying this because a student i teach has recently had a child, and this girls mother has actually given up her job to look after the baby while the girl continues her studies, which I was pretty shocked about. Your dd, if she decides to go ahead and have the child, is the mother, and if she doesnt accept that from the outset, then you are both setting yourselves up for a complicated and 'blurred' relationship. So, lots and lots of love and emotional support, but clear demarcation about where your responsibilities end.

Confidentialnamechanger · 18/05/2008 11:01

wish I'd got pregnant at 18, when my eggs were fresh, then I wouldn't be having such a shite time trying to get up the duff now at 37

alfiesbabe · 18/05/2008 11:12

There's no guarantees though any time, confidential. I always think it must be very hard for women having difficulties when they hear stories like this. We have a woman on our staff who had just had a miscarriage around the time the pupil gave birth... But it's not as simple as that is it? I still think getting pregnant as a teenager is not the best thing to do - the odds are stacked against you in terms of education, life chances and maintaining the relationship with the father. Of course there are exceptions, but that's the reality.

ScoobyDoo · 18/05/2008 11:16

I was pregnant at 19, i always wanted to have my children young, my mum was very cross with me, she did not speak to me for a couple of days, then one day i came home & there was a lovely teddy sitting on bed which she had brought for my unborn baby

I am now 26 & have a son & also have a daughter, my mum adores my kids they are her world, it may be a shock now but please don't show your daughter your angry because it is so hard.

Things will work out, when you have children things do change but there is always a way round everything!

barnical · 18/05/2008 11:17

Being PG young isn't the end.. I agree with custy. She can still get her education ( I did)
The social bit can be hard.. when you see friends doing things you'd like to do but can't.
She's an adult. just give lots of emotional support as it's a scary thing at any age.. just when your younger you have to grow up lots as well.

Blu · 18/05/2008 11:23

The big question, pinkle, is what does SHE want to do?

Is she sure she wants the baby? Is she single or in an onoping relationship? What support does she want / need from you? Is she pleased and happy, or apprehensive, or devastated?

StarlightMcKenzie · 18/05/2008 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

madamez · 18/05/2008 11:36

Yes: does she want to continue the pregnancy or terminate it? Was it an accident or planned, and where is the bloke involved (ie is it a boyfriend who might stick around and take some interest?)
Young motherhood is not the end of the world but if she doesnlt want to continue the PG you will need to support her through that choice as well.

littlelamb · 18/05/2008 11:37

I was 20 and at uni when I was pregnant with my dd and I felt badly let down by my parents. They had always said that they would support me through anything, that I could be honest with them, but when told them their reaction was to book me a private abortion without even asking me I was lucky to be at a uni with a good counselling service and it was through regular appointments with someone completely impartial that I made the decision to keep dd. If she has access to counselling I would really recommend she goes to talk to someone. My parents didn't speak to me throughout the whole pregnancy and sent me some very horrible letters saying how disappointed they were and how much I was messing up my life. When dd was born it was all forgotten, I went on to get my degree and a good job and they have since admitted they were wrong. But it has affected my relationship with them, especially my mum. I am now pregnant with dc2 and it has brought a lot of feelings back for me- I didn't tell my parents until I was 29 weeks (they live very far away) and it was because of the reaction I had last time, despite the fact that I am 24, have a good job and generally in a much better situation. It was only then that they apologised for how they were last time and admitted they were wrong. I honestly hadn't realised how much their reaction still affected me. I can understand your disappointment, but it is so important that your dd knows she can rely on you for support, and that you won't judge her, as this is the time that she needs you most. However, it is slightly different if she is living with you, as that will create a whole different dynamic and it will directly affect your life as well, which is something she will have to consider if she intends to stay.

alfiesbabe · 18/05/2008 13:43

What an honest and helpful post littlelamb. You must have had a tough time, but had the strength to get through it and make a success of things. It shows some insight into how the OP's dd will be feeling, and how essential it is for the love and support to be there. Agree with your last point too. If the dd is living at home, it WILL have a knock on for everyone else in the home, so that needs some careful thinking.

pixiepip · 18/05/2008 14:23

Your daughter needs to think about whether she wants this baby, and if she would consider a termination.

I know that many of the posters here say they got through it ok, but as a mum for the 1st time at 31, I felt I didn't know anything- how on earth anyone manages at 18, or younger, is beyond me.

Original poster
pinklemonstoo · 19/05/2008 00:01

thanks for your posts everyone. DD is now considering a termination which is tbh a bit of a relief, I know some people may be shocked by me saying that but its how I feel. She has plans for Edinburgh Uni next year, and this is not a good situation, and this boyfriend has made it clear he wouldn't stick around if she goes through with the pregnancy. He isn't the nicest guy in the world and she isn't very happy with him anyway. If she were to go through with the pregnancy we have the space to have her at home or I could buy her a flat, I won't be contacting the council.

OP posts:
mobileslostisitinthefreeze · 19/05/2008 09:16

Pinkie, is this her descion wholly, or have you swayed her in some way? Because, if you tried to sway her in some way, there might come a time when she resents you.

YouNeverKnow · 19/05/2008 09:22

obviously at the end of the day its her choice shes plenty old enough to make a decent one. im shocked at what your saying as it sounds as if the support would not be there if she chooses to continue the pg.

Buda · 19/05/2008 09:28

Difficult situation for all of you. Especially for her as the boyfriend is a bit of a waste of space.

I think the best thing you can do for her now is to arrange some impartial counselling for her.

I would explain to her that you will support her in whatever decision she makes but you want to be sure that she has someone totally impartial to talk it all through with so that she can come to her own decision without feeling in anyway swayed by you. I would tell her that you really want to be sure that any decision she makes is HERS so that in years to come it won't have a negative impact on your relationship.

nappyaddict · 19/05/2008 12:28

pixiep - everyone feels they don't know anything with their first no matter what age they are that's why young mums cope just the same as older mums. just because your older doesn't mean you suddenly know what to do!

pinkle - you say she is considering a termination. have you mentioned termination or has she come up with the idea herself? does she know that going to uni is still possible with the baby or does she think having this baby is the end of her pregnancy. it is important she knows all the options so she doesn't regret her decision later on.

Original poster
pinklemonstoo · 19/05/2008 15:31

she came up with the idea of having a termination herself. no she wants to live away from home and get drunk and enjoy herself at uni, and this baby was...a mistake not at all planned. YouNeverKnow - how can you say I'm not supporting her if she decides to go through with the pregnancy? I've offered her a home or I'd buy her a place of her own! I'd give her money and love.

OP posts:
tiredlady · 19/05/2008 15:44

pinklemonstoo, I think you are being very supportive of your daughter.

I also think it's a perfectly acceptable thing to say that you feel relieved at the choice she has made. It's obvious you aould have supported her either way

Buda · 19/05/2008 16:27

I think you are being very supportive but of course you would feel sad/worried for her if she chooses to have the baby. It is difficult and hard and life changing for any of us - esp an 18 year old who wants to go to uni.

I know lots of people study and have babies and are very good mothers and study hard etc but it must be SO much harder. I totally admire anyone who does it.

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