Friends starting to drive

[shelle07]

My DS friend recently passed his test. Naturally there is a lot of excitement about this, but I feel like they are wanting to run before they can even walk. Plans are being made that I’m not comfortable with and I would prefer the driver to get some more experience first, ie. He is planning to drive them to and from a festival 3 hours away, he will be designated driver for parties but cannot give a return time as it will depend on whenever he feels like it. I feel that we still have rules in our home in order to keep our children safe, but it is really difficult when your teen keeps telling you that no other parents have a problem with it. Now that there is a driver they think they should be able to do what they like, when they like, as we no longer need to taxi them around.

Do I need to let go?!I know I would feel different about DS girlfriend driving as she is much more sensible (due to take her test)

Presumably DS is 17 too, so you do need to let go and hope that they remember everything you have taught them. It’s a difficult time for parents with driving and leaving home for Uni.

I have kids this age and am really pleased none of their have passed yet. I think I’m a fairly relaxed parent but this is something that does scare me. I really think the law should change (and probably will at some stage) to prohibit young drivers from having their peers as passengers. I think it’s something like four times more likely they’ll be a fatal crash. I know it’s still unlikely but as a teenager I knew someone that lost her boyfriend in this way. So I probably would try and discourage it as much as possible and still offer alternative lifts/suggest other ways.

My eldest is about to take her test, I've said no giving lifts for 5-6 months after passing to give her chance to build confidence without her mates in the car.

I also said no fucking way is she driving to festivals (Boardmasters in August) as she will be exhausted coming back and it's not safe. She has reluctantly agreed to this.

We said no lifts for more than one friend for 6 months.

You have a right to be concerned about this statistics are frightening on how many young male drivers are involved in serious road accidents, these tend to be when friends are in the car and there are currently campaigns to put more restrictions on young drivers.

realistically you can’t stop him from getting in a car but you can share your concerns. There is a reason why their insurance is so high.

It's bloody horrible.

Ds1 is 17. He ran down the stairs at 8pm a couple of months ago (already dark at that time) and said excitedly 'Mum is it OK if I go for a drive with the boys? Alex has a car now' 🤢🤢

'The boys' were actually two boys and two girls in the car (which I think is even worse as the one thing even more likely to make a teen boy drive like a dick is the presence of a girl he thinks he might impress) and the driver had passed his test that week. Pitch black at that time and a Friday night 🤦🏻‍♀️

We told him no and he sulked for a couple of days. We then talked about it and he does understand why we said no.

For the minute we've agreed he can get in cars with mates driving when it's light outside AND it's local ish. So that's also a hard no to jumping in someone's car for Boardmasters in August.

How old is your son? Presumably 16+?

I don’t think my Mum or Dad enjoyed me jumping in with mates at 17 but they didn’t let their anxieties stop me and nor would I have paid attention if they’d tried.

He will be 18 soon if he isn’t already. In my view that’s time to warn him of the risks but not to prevent him making his own decisions.

We would not let ours drive with passengers apart from us for the first 6 months after passing. I truly believe that parents need to do this in the absence of any law being passed as its vital that they are able to concentrate on developing their driving skills without distractions. Yes they did protest but we were providing the car and funding it so the ruling was not negotiable.

You may be unnecessarily worrying. When I was a teen, everyone who could drive took it very seriously and they were always careful and sensible. The bonus is if they are driving, they don't drink. I'd also suggest a defensive driving course for everyone.

No lifts and no ĥopping in with mates if possible. Get him to do pass plus too, I think it's approx 6hrs of lessons.

Have you both got life360 app? It shows the speed of drives and seems to be pretty accurate. DS did get in a car with a friend who drove 90 on the motorway once and I could see it on the app. He told me when he got home and never went in that car again. He has one friend who tootles around town in the centre and that's the only one he is happy to go with. He never drives any friends though as he doesn't have a car and they're banned from my car.

I don’t think you can ban them from getting in friends cars or driving friends themselves. Talk to them about the risks involved.

It is scary, I’ve been through this with my two. But it’s yet another one of those things you have to take a deep breath about and hope for the best. They can still drive like dicks at 20+

I did talk mine out of driving to and from a festival though … thankfully when I pointed out she’d have to stop drinking long before her friends on the last night … decided to book the train.

I remember a friend of DDs who wasn’t allowed to get in DDs car to go to a concert …. DD had been driving six months by then and they were all 18.

Both her parents drove her down and dropped her at the door … and they were both sitting outside when they came out …. don’t be those parents 😳😟

I thought they were changing the rules so that a young driver couldn't give lifts to peers for 6 months? Perhaps that hasn't happened yet.
Anyway, there isn't much you can do about it at 17. I'm surprised the new driver would want to drive to a party- the best you can do is educate your son so that he makes the right decision regarding getting lifts etc. And you could also give him money for a taxi incase he wants to leave earlier than the driver.
My son is learning to drive. I don't think it's too early to get a licence. He won't have a car unless he funds it himself, which won't happen until he's older and can also afford the insurance.

we are a couple of years away from this and it’s a big worry of mine. Young drivers are at greater risk of accidents and where we live it isn’t that uncommon for cars full of teenagers to be involved in horrendous crashes. You cannot stop them driving, and in time they’ll build up the necessary skills and sense, but I think you can suggest (and probably expect, if you’re paying for the car/insurance etc) a sensible approach to times (not at night), distances, and passengers (limited initially) when newly passed!

My DS2 passed his test and had a car at 17. He is the oldest of his friends. His insurance stated his car had to be back home at 11pm and he had a black box which he was obsessed with showing a good report.
For financial reasons he had a black box for 3 years. I feel he is safe and atm has a job where he has to drive others who take the mick because he follows the rules of the road. It is others on the road that I worry about, everytime I drive I see really bad driving, and STILL ppl on their phones. I get why your nervous.
The fact that the government are thinking of introducing some limits shows to me the figures for accidents must be bad.

Mine are young adults and both drive although it’s only been 6 months since my youngest passed his test. I think the parents role is to make them aware of the risks and how to be a safe passenger as well as a safe driver. This website is useful https://www.helpingnewdrivers.co.uk

My lad passed his test two months after his 17th birthday. He was quite happy to ferry his mates about to rugby but he refused point blank to be Designated Dave because he wanted to enjoy a drink!
He’s now 18 and driving somewhere in Canada. Very extreme but you do have to loosen the ties a little!

When my daughter passed 3 years ago she drove to a festival approximately 3 hours away about 4 weeks later. They all passed in the same 3-4 month period and would take it in turns to be the designated driver..:: that wore off after a year and now when they are on a night out I’m generally the one going to pick them up afterwards.

beat trick I ever taught my kids was if they are in the car with someone who’s driving makes them feel unsafe is to pretend they are going to be sick… never met a driver who won’t slow down and pull over

Thanks for all the comments. Great to read the different opinions and some useful tips too. Know we will need to trust him on some but go with our gut on others. Also comes down to who is driving and how sensible they are. Some of them still have a lot of growing up to do.

I was one of the first to pass but everyone seemed to let their teenagers in with me! We were living away at college anyway so I guess a lot of the parents didn’t know
I was a very sensible driver though and not adverse to telling passengers to STFU if they were distracting me

Also I had an incentive - my dad said no incidents for a year so no accidents, no speeding, no parking tickets, not one scratch, nothing and I would get a new car. Best believe I drove like I was on my test for a year!

Presumably your DS is 17 so I don’t think it’s appropriate at all for you to be dictating who he can and can’t be in a car with. You are perfectly entitled to discuss your concerns with him, but the decision has to be his.

I actually can’t believe some other posters would ‘say no’ to this- it’s no wonder young adults lack independence these days.

They may well be off to uni soon and you will rightly have absolutely no influence over where they go and with whom. They will have serious issues if they are used to being mollycoddled and not allowed to take their own decisions.

DD is 17 and has passed in the last few weeks and will give lifts locally to sensible friends but she has a black box and doesn't hesitate to tell them to be quiet if necessary. She doesn't want passengers for longer journeys and acknowledges that she needs time until she's ready for that.

She's eminently sensible, but it's a steep learning curve.

Driving to a festival is not a good idea, try and talk them out of it. The queue for Boardmasters starts in Devon, it's far more fun on a coach/train than being responsible for car keys for the duration of the festival etc!

Actually I don't think that is particularly unreasonable.

Some / (many?) countries have rules about newly qualified / young drivers taking other youngsters as passengers. Australia is an example of this and it seems quite strongly enforced if Traffic Cops Australia is anything to go by. I think the UK is quite lax on this.

My DD was 17 when she passed her driving test.

We also banned her from giving lifts / taking mates out for the first six months. She understood the reasoning behind this thankfully. After six months, she began to pick up her boyfriend, or go shopping with one of her friends.

I understand your worries OP - it was so much simpler when they were little!