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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Lifts for teenagers

42 replies

swipeup347 · 22/04/2025 22:13

How often do you or your partner give lifts to your teenagers?

I have an 18 and a 16 yr old. Older one suffers with anxiety and younger one is autistic. They struggle going out but are slowly becoming much more independent. Problem is I don't drive so I ask husband very occasionally to give them a lift if they are going somewhere they can't walk to or get a bus too. He usually refuses sometimes he will but usually not.

My son is desperate for a job and has applied for loads. He was lucky enough to get an interview for a job he really wanted considering he is autistic he did well in even getting an interview. He didn't get the job but today they e mailed offering him a job once a month on a Saturday morning at a premises in the next town because they were really impressed with him. This is 6 miles away - 15 mins drive- and DH refuses to take him because it would involve him taking him and picking him up again 4 hours later. This job will be brilliant on my sons CV and will help him get future jobs I am sure.

I don't drive I know but I do everything else for the children and don't expect any help from my DH at all. I do all the shopping, house work food prep , life admin the only thing I ask him to do is to help kids with lifts now and then. I have never in my 20 yrs of marriage asked him to take me anywhere - only the kids.

AIBU to expect a few lifts for the kids every now and then or because I don't drive do you I just need to expect he isn't their taxi service.

OP posts:

Stripeyanddotty · 22/04/2025 22:16

He’s their father. He should be ashamed of himself.
Can you afford to pay for a taxi for your son? Would that be an option?

Muchtoomuchtodo · 22/04/2025 22:21

I feel like I’m on permanent taxi duty for ds2. It’s part and parcel of being a parent imo - supporting them to join in with clubs and activities, socialising and in your case starting in the world of work which sounds more significant than it might be for a lot of kids.

i would be funding a taxi for him to start with. Is there any way that you can learn to drive to support them both going forward?

Greatuncleshair · 22/04/2025 22:26

They need that bit of help to get working. My dh would do it.

Original poster

swipeup347 · 22/04/2025 22:34

Taxi or uber is an option but I know he wouldn't feel comfortable going in one by himself so I could and would go with him I could hang around in the town and then uber back with him. This is perfectly do able so maybe this is the option I will have to go with.

I want him to have this opportunity so I will do anything to make sure he can get there and back.

I was just gauging whether I am maybe being unfair on H as he says I constantly put pressure on him to take kids here, there and everywhere. I ask about once a fortnight.

OP posts:

Savoretti · 22/04/2025 22:43

I am a single parent to 3. I spent years just playing taxi till they learned to drive. It’s definitely the norm…

Mydadsbirthday · 22/04/2025 22:47

Yes I would say this is part of being a parent. I currently drive my DD to her sports training twice a week 30 mins drive away and hang around there for two hours each time.

It's great for her future and her fitness and life skills so I don't mind.

My DH does similar for DS (different sport).

It's just what you do isn't it? It's not forever is it? Mine will have left home within 4 years.

Dizzy82 · 22/04/2025 22:54

I have a 19 year old son with autism and take him anywhere he wants. He had a job where his dad worked, 30 mins away and I would pick him up/drop him off if they were on different shifts. He tried to get a train a few weeks ago and both his outgoing and return trains were cancelled, he coped well but it's made him wary about trains.

I think for one day a month it really isn't a big ask.

Stripeyanddotty · 22/04/2025 23:03

@swipeup347
Does your husband do anything for the family? I assume he works and provides in that way but does he have a loving relationship with you and his children?

Screamingabdabz · 22/04/2025 23:04

A decent man would see, like you do, that’s it’s a short term pain for longer term gain for your son. But clearly you’re married to a selfish cunt who doesn’t lift a finger. Why would he start now?

Inlimboin50s · 22/04/2025 23:05

My son and I live in a village and ive been driving him to his pot washing job three times a week for two years now. It's in a village pub six miles away but through country lanes. I have to pick him up when he txts,sometimes midnight at the weekend.
I said while he is in education I don't mind.
Now his level 2 college course will finish in June he now wants to work here more,so we have just got him on a CBT course and will sort a scooter/moped for him. We did try driving lessons last year but son was going through a tough time and gave up. It's so tricky to know what to do while helping them get I dependent.

EconomyClassRockstar · 22/04/2025 23:06

Yeah, I would 100 either drive or expect DH to. This is a great opportunity for him!

TheChosenTwo · 22/04/2025 23:07

Dh and I did our fair share of lift and taxi duty for the girls before they could drive. One of them worked until 1/2am a couple of times a week, I would usually pick that slot up as I’m a night owl, lucky me 😂
But we got them driving asap and bought them cars and insured them and they are now the ones picking us up from the pub 🤭
I think your dh is being really bloody selfish tbh, once a month to facilitate this job for him could be amazing for him.

LittlePudding1 · 22/04/2025 23:07

Your husband is a selfish piece of shit not to do this once a month to help his son.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/04/2025 23:13

My parents did this for me and my 7 siblings and l in turn did it for mine. Its an important part of their lives growing up, getting that work experience and should be facilitated if at all possible. Its especially important for a teen with autism as he has done so well getting accepted for that opportunity. 15 minutes is nothing. I know he may be busy as being the only driver is a burden at times but he has to do it or he is letting your son down. It's not like he is going to hang out at the park. This could change his life.

Mumofteenandtween · 22/04/2025 23:14

Dh drove dd over 500 miles this weekend.
I drove them both to and from school today as they both had PE kits etc to take back.
I took ds to his sport tonight. (About 10 miles away.)
I will take dd about 100 miles tomorrow night.
Will spend Thursday night driving ds around to two different activities.
On Friday Dh is driving dd about 100 miles and then back on Saturday.
On Saturday I will take ds to his sport again and then to watch the football. (Although we may cycle there as parking will be awful.)
On Sunday I will take ds 40 miles away whilst Dh will take dd 30 miles away.

Starting to see why we are both shattered! 😂

almostbloody50 · 22/04/2025 23:22

What’s his excuse? Reason for being a dick. Can you not drive? Or does DH just have the car, I’d have to be looking at ways to gain some freedom in your situation it’s sounds pretty sad, that their own dad won’t support them.

Well done DS

mondaytosunday · 22/04/2025 23:44

Again, not a teenage problem but a DH problem. Pathetic man.

CarpetKnees · 23/04/2025 00:17

Reading your OP, I was assuming he wasn't their Dad, but a new husband to begin with.

I can't believe he won't do this for your ds, in these circumstances.

More generally I think young people need to be able to work out how to get themselves to and from their jobs, but in this particular set of circumstances the boost to your ds's confidence and the uplift of his skills and the having something to put on CV / kickstart when he applies for FT jobs is of such enormous value to him that any half decent parent wouldn't think twice about it.
It's just part and parcel of being a parent.

Considering everything else you say in your OP in terms of division of parenting, I wonder what your dh brings to your family ?

Dutchhouse14 · 23/04/2025 00:21

Your DH is being unreasonable, giving teens a lift is called parenting.
If they have SEN then even more so.
We live rurally I have spent more time than I can count ferrying DC around. Including taking them to and from work, otherwise they would not have been able to get a job, picking up late from parties and driving them to the nearest bus stop in the next village to get to the bus to school.
You may live in a town but he needs to get a grip and support his DC

CarpetKnees · 23/04/2025 00:39

The more I think about this, the crosser I am with your dh.

Over the years, I've been up at the crack of dawn every Saturday for 10 months of the year to take them to sports matches. He doesn't know he's born just being asked for lifts once a month.
then there's all the activities all of my dc have done where between us we've run them (and sometimes their friends) back and fore so they could do the activities. That's what parents do - enable and encourage their dc on their journey.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 23/04/2025 00:41

There’s no discernible reason (other than selfishness) why your Dh can’t spend half an hour, once a month to drop your DS off at work and then spend another half an hour, 4 hours late to pick him up. It’s a bit annoying but it’s part of parenting.
DD19 finally got a supermarket job in January after months of fruitless job applications. I now have to drive her to and from three 4-hour day shifts and once a week I have to get up at 3.25 am to take her to her night shift and then DH collects her 5 hours later.
She has AuDHD and the job has been a massive step forward for her and has improved her confidence and life skills. She finds it very tiring though and, without lifts, probably could not have coped as it would have meant 2 longish bus journeys with a poorly coordinated timetable and she would have been exhausted. My half hour round trip drive saves her about 2 hours travel time. If your DH wants your DS to grow up to be a self sufficient adult, he should do this small favour for his child. These things do not come easily to a young, neurodivergent adult but practical support can make a huge difference.

DiscoBeat · 23/04/2025 00:43

We drive them everywhere. I would rather than do that than eg the 17 year old getting on a train late at night.

Melody32 · 23/04/2025 00:47

MY DH's uncle who is divorced from his wife comes to pick up his son from her house to go places and he lives over an hour away. His son is 15. For 20 years of marriage your dh should be ashamed that he doesn't do anything in the house and that he moans to take his own kids out. It's hardly a bother is it for once a month blimey. Also even if you asked him to take you out,you have a right to do so. If he can't do something as simple as that you need to let him start doing things around the house. You're his wife not a maid or his footstool.

Also to add many parents would jump to this opportunity especially here in London where crime is through the roof and many parents are worried about the safety of their teens going out.

caringcarer · 23/04/2025 02:27

I drive 18 year old and 16 year old foster kids miles. Eldest 20 miles to college each day then 20 miles home, then again late afternoon and home again. DH or I drive him to the gym 3 or 4 times a week then collect 1 1/2 hours later. I drive him to cricket practice and to matches. The younger one gets driven to football practice and football tournaments which can be up to 40 miles away then watch him for hours then drive him home. Drive them then meet up with friends. I don't mind driving them neither does DH.

Original poster

swipeup347 · 23/04/2025 07:07

He thinks I pally to them too much. They are young adults and young adults don't rely on mum and dad to get them around . As a man when I first met him he was so kind and loving really genuine but as soon as the kids were born he changed.

His nephew plays in a football team and he tells his sister what aa absolute mug she is giving up her weekends to ferry him around.

I think this is probably the final straw. We have broken him as he needs his life back.

We will be getting an uber.

Thanks for your comments at leat I know it isn't me expecting too much.

OP posts:

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