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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Lifts for teenagers

42 replies

swipeup347 · 22/04/2025 22:13

How often do you or your partner give lifts to your teenagers?

I have an 18 and a 16 yr old. Older one suffers with anxiety and younger one is autistic. They struggle going out but are slowly becoming much more independent. Problem is I don't drive so I ask husband very occasionally to give them a lift if they are going somewhere they can't walk to or get a bus too. He usually refuses sometimes he will but usually not.

My son is desperate for a job and has applied for loads. He was lucky enough to get an interview for a job he really wanted considering he is autistic he did well in even getting an interview. He didn't get the job but today they e mailed offering him a job once a month on a Saturday morning at a premises in the next town because they were really impressed with him. This is 6 miles away - 15 mins drive- and DH refuses to take him because it would involve him taking him and picking him up again 4 hours later. This job will be brilliant on my sons CV and will help him get future jobs I am sure.

I don't drive I know but I do everything else for the children and don't expect any help from my DH at all. I do all the shopping, house work food prep , life admin the only thing I ask him to do is to help kids with lifts now and then. I have never in my 20 yrs of marriage asked him to take me anywhere - only the kids.

AIBU to expect a few lifts for the kids every now and then or because I don't drive do you I just need to expect he isn't their taxi service.

OP posts:
GinGanGoooooolie · 23/04/2025 07:16

Sixth form student - I give mine a lift to work twice a week (10 miles each way, one weekend shift 8-5 and one evening 5-11), to parties and friend’s houses when required. Did it for the older one too until they passed their test.

I’m divorced, my ex husband would have the same view as your husband. I don’t need to consider it thankfully.

familyissues12345 · 23/04/2025 07:18

I was a permanent taxi service for DS1 until he learnt to drive, but we chose to send him to a school that was 20 miles away (our schools were shit!) so we signed up for that meaning he’d need lifts to see mates etc

DS2 doesn’t go out much, and attends a local secondary (they’re better now!), so lifts for him are to the gym if Im feeling nice

RampantIvy · 23/04/2025 07:23

Is there a reason you haven't learned to drive?

I agree that your husband is being selfish, but I also understand why he resents being the only driver.

I drive DD because we are rural with poor public transport and unreliable taxis. She usually catches the train, but if it is cancelled, I can pick her up.

ilovelamp82 · 23/04/2025 07:24

swipeup347 · 22/04/2025 22:34

Taxi or uber is an option but I know he wouldn't feel comfortable going in one by himself so I could and would go with him I could hang around in the town and then uber back with him. This is perfectly do able so maybe this is the option I will have to go with.

I want him to have this opportunity so I will do anything to make sure he can get there and back.

I was just gauging whether I am maybe being unfair on H as he says I constantly put pressure on him to take kids here, there and everywhere. I ask about once a fortnight.

Wow. You're husband has you in some position. You do absolutely everything for you, him and the kids and you are still questioning whether asking this one thing is too much. This would be a nail in the coffin for me. I couldn't be with someone who had absolutely no respect for as a husband and father.
Congratulations to your son. This is a huge deal. I guess taxi's there and back. But the resentment I would feel towards his "father" would be huge.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/04/2025 07:25

Blimey I’d do this for a friend, he can’t even do it for his own son. Awful behaviour.

Lifts are just part of having teens. Mine have left home now and I kind of miss the footie trips, school runs, picking up from parties.

They’ve managed to turn into independent adults OP.

LavenderFields7 · 23/04/2025 07:26

Is there no train or bus you can go with him on, until he gets the hang of it himself?

RedSkyDelights · 23/04/2025 07:50

We give lifts where we can, although we also encourage them to think about whether there is a sensible alternative e.g. taking the bus,cycling, sharing a taxi.

I would absolutely give my child a lift to a job as you describe.

SIL doesn't believe in molly coddlying teens either, and her family live in a small village with 2 buses in and out a day. Her DD was never able to go anywhere as that would have required a lift and hence never developed a social life or any outside school interests. SIL is now incredibly surprised that DD spends all her time in her uni town and only comes home for very short visits.

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/04/2025 08:18

My 17yr old I drove around for years and years.
First it was ballet which lasted 6yrs until she was 16yrs, for a couple of years she swam for club (after years of swimming lessons), finally she ended up volunteering for our local stables which resulted in a job and a loan horse 😪
When she got to 17yrs I told her learning to drive was compulsory and she had to do it much to her horror as she was more than happy with me driving whilst I was not. Anyway she has passed her test a couple of weeks ago and has been driving herself around since. I'm loving it TBH although in your DH position I do think he's been extremely short sighted about giving your son opportunities.

mummytoonetryingfortwo · 23/04/2025 08:19

Is learning to drive an option for you, and your son?

pengwing · 23/04/2025 08:33

We spent years playing taxi to the kids. However we also encouraged them to use public transport where available then they learnt to drive at 17. I think giving lifts is just another part of parenting.

instead of uber, is there public transport available? You could still go with your son on it until he is ready to go independently. Just thinking it’s a better path to future independence than an uber if you can.

Mydadsbirthday · 23/04/2025 20:30

FrenchandSaunders · 23/04/2025 07:25

Blimey I’d do this for a friend, he can’t even do it for his own son. Awful behaviour.

Lifts are just part of having teens. Mine have left home now and I kind of miss the footie trips, school runs, picking up from parties.

They’ve managed to turn into independent adults OP.

I will miss this too 🥹

Original poster
swipeup347 · 23/04/2025 21:06

My H is on countdown till they leave home so he can get his life back. He seems very selfish in the fact he constantly wants peace and quiet. He almost moved out when they were small but he wanted to move abroad and cut all ties with the children - I wouldn't let him as I wanted them to have a relationship with them. We were together for 6 years before we had children and life was perfect he was the most amazing husband but once children came along he just couldn't deal with the demands. He will do anything for anyone (over the age of 60!!!) he does shopping for my great auntie and takes her to all her hospital appointments and he does our elderly neighbours garden and visits his friends dad every week but he just refuses to do anything for us- he says we are young and able.

This job is really important to my son. H says he should only take a job he can get to independently, but i disagree so I will get an uber with him at least the first time and when he feels ready he can get one on his own. H would rather give him the money he would earn from the job but I have explained it isn't about the money it is more about experience from the job and also how good it will look on his CV. He still doesn't get it,

OP posts:
Melody32 · 23/04/2025 21:13

swipeup347 · 23/04/2025 21:06

My H is on countdown till they leave home so he can get his life back. He seems very selfish in the fact he constantly wants peace and quiet. He almost moved out when they were small but he wanted to move abroad and cut all ties with the children - I wouldn't let him as I wanted them to have a relationship with them. We were together for 6 years before we had children and life was perfect he was the most amazing husband but once children came along he just couldn't deal with the demands. He will do anything for anyone (over the age of 60!!!) he does shopping for my great auntie and takes her to all her hospital appointments and he does our elderly neighbours garden and visits his friends dad every week but he just refuses to do anything for us- he says we are young and able.

This job is really important to my son. H says he should only take a job he can get to independently, but i disagree so I will get an uber with him at least the first time and when he feels ready he can get one on his own. H would rather give him the money he would earn from the job but I have explained it isn't about the money it is more about experience from the job and also how good it will look on his CV. He still doesn't get it,

This is so sad. It seems parenting is really hard for him and he didn't realise what it could entail. It's sacrifice and you work as a team. I hope you're able to truly let it all out and let him know how you feel because one day your teens will grow and move out and that resentment will be there and you will find there's nothing much to the marriage. You seem like a good person, please don't let this all build up xx

GoatCatTaco · 23/04/2025 21:34

I don't give a lift (during daytime) if it's less than a 30 min walk.
Very few busses around us.
DS1 (16) has a much bigger social life than his 14 year old sibling. I probably take DS1 somewhere 3 or 4 times a week. And I will always drop his gf home if she is here after about 8pm.

It will stop soon!!

Whynotaxthisyear · 23/04/2025 21:37

Is there no public transport option OP?

CarpetKnees · 23/04/2025 22:29

That's so sad @swipeup347 - particularly as he seems so kind, and generous with his time, for other people.

Truly bizarre he doesn't afford the same time and support to his own children.

RampantIvy · 23/04/2025 22:44

I agree, it sounds so sad. If your DC are on the autism spectrum could your DH be as well?

Is there an option for you to learn to drive @swipeup347 ?

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