Holiday clash - what to do

[sweetstufflonndon]

Hi all,

Looking for a bit of advice.

My 17-year-old daughter has just been invited on holiday to France with her best friend and their family — they go most years, so it’s a familiar and exciting offer for her.

However, about five months ago, I told her and her dad (we’re divorced) that my partner, his daughter (who’s the same age and gets along well with mine), and I had planned a holiday to Ireland that same week. We have family and a holiday home there, and it’s all been booked and coordinated for some time.

It’s not often the two girls or the four of us get to spend time together because they live in different parts of the country, so this trip was quite meaningful for us.

My daughter is with her dad this weekend, and he’s just messaged me to say she’s been invited to France. We don’t get in so he won’t have said anything to her about sticking to our Ireland plan. I know she’ll likely want to go. It’s not just about logistics or money, my partner’s daughter will understandably feel dropped, and I worry about the message it sends about commitment to my daughter who often cancels on plans last minute.

So I’m torn:
Do I put my foot down and explain that when something’s been arranged and paid for, it needs to be honoured even if it’s not the more “exciting” option? Or do I let her decide, knowing she’ll almost be 18 by then and technically old enough to make her own choices, even if that stings a bit?

Would really appreciate any thoughts.

Let her go to France! If you own the holiday hime in Ireland you can go there another time!

It is up to your DD to decide.

I’d question why you booked a holiday that week knowing she had a long standing arrangement to go on holiday with friends. I’d let her choose what she wants to do. My daughter holidays with her friends family, we know it’s likely to be end of July so
avoid that week ourselves.

Hm that is a tricky one. However as you said she is almost an adult so really needs to be able to choose not to go on a family holiday.

She’s nearly an adult. Ask her what she wants to do. It might be possible to so both.

I think at nearly 18 she should be allowed to choose for herself.

But I do get what you’re saying about having the previous plans made by you.
Have you had a chat to her yet to gently remind her of the plans you have already made, to see what she says ?

Are you talking about the 17 year old? You post is quite confusing. Just ask her what she wants to do.

Op, it sounds like the trip to France happen at the same time every year. You own the holiday house in Ireland, meaning you can be flexible on dates. So i'm curious to know why you decided to choose the one week you knew your daughter was already going to have plans.

She’s 17 she chooses what holiday she wants to go on,

however she can’t expect you to pay for her holiday with her friends family if you already have a holiday for that time booked.

Daughter has JUST been invited on her friend’s holiday?
You have already made plans for this time with partner and his daughter?

If the above is correct your daughter should honour her first plan or at least come for half the holiday.

Agree with this.

Plans made first take priority.

I know she’ll likely want to go. It’s not just about logistics or money, my partner’s daughter will understandably feel dropped, and I worry about the message it sends about commitment to my daughter who often cancels on plans last minute.

So they go often and take DD with them? It has nothing to do with partners DD (I mean in the not "dropping her") DD wants to spend time with her best friend.

Have a conversation with your daughter and ask her what she wants to do. Surely your daughter's happiness comes 1st in this situation

She's 17, almost an adult. I'd let her decide which holiday she wants to go on. She's not obligated to spend time with your partner's daughter.

@sweetstufflonndon she isn’t there to keep ss happy.
Does she let people down and change plans OR does she just use the right she has to choose what to do with her time and not please others ?
Did you means you booked your family holiday on her dad’s weekend ?
Although again it’s up to her when and if she sees her dad and also which place she would like to holiday .

I agree with this. She's old enough to know that its a shit thing to do to change plans once established and involving other people.

I think you let her go to France and ask your DPs DD to bring a friend to Ireland instead so she has company.

The Ireland family holiday was booked first.

I would talk to your daughter and explain. Ultimately it’s her decision but hopefully she’ll understand that you should stick to the original plan, after all how would she feel of the other daughter had bailed on her?

On the flip side, if you force her the Ireland holiday will be miserable. So I would let her decide. It’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t go, maybe you can make plans to get together with DP and his daughter at some other point in the summer, and meanwhile DP’s daughter could invite a friend along to the Ireland holiday?

I didn’t. I said she’s ’just’ been invited to France. She goes ‘most’ years, and never at the same time..

I would say its up to her but outline everything you have said here. That you will be upset that plans made first with youbare being dropped, that SS will also be upset that she can't be there and that it is up to her to ultimately decide, but you have a view in the right thing to do. That she is practically N adult so should think what an adult would do if they already had holiday plans with family, then were invited on a different trip, would an adult drop the original plans putting people out of pocket and dropping one girl for another. Lay it all out to enable her decision and then let her decide.

Does DD want to go to Ireland?
Is her going more about keep Ss entertained?