How to parent this?!

[MickieX]

Please help! Really struggling with Ds13 right now. He’s lost all interest in anything other than what he wants to do. He’s being rude and disrespectful at school. Truanting. Turning off his phone location so I’m having to go looking for him. I’ve had to report him missing twice with the police in the last month. I’m at a loss of how to help him? Dd15 went through a short phase of this but not to this extent. We’ve tried the gentle approach and clear sanctions but I really don’t know how to handle this? I’m having to leave work often due to him being suspended or him walking out of school. Just to add there is no problems at home or any in his friendship circle that I’m aware of either. He seems very popular and he is super close with dd15 so I think he would talk to her if that was the case. She is just as confused and worried by his behaviour. How do I deal with this? Is this normal teen boy behaviour? He’s so smart and lovely. It breaks my heart to see him go down this path. Please be kind. I already feel like I’m failing him.

Ground him and take away his phone until he learns to keep his location on.

I think most do go through this phase at that age. Year 8 was the worst for mine but they’re brilliant now.

Thanks so much for your reply. I have tried this but it is the only way I can I track his location when he’s decided to run off. We have locked down his apps though so he’s unable to use it other than to call or message us. He’s already grounded but goes to school in a different town by school bus. He has often got off the bus and decided he doesn’t fancy school and goes off grid. If I didn’t have 2 younger children that I need to drop at a separate school I’d take him myself but it’s just not doable

Break the cycle. Look at another school. He has undoubtedly found a friendship group of kids with behaviour issues. Tell him he improves or he goes to a different school.

If you use iPhone find my friends for his location you can make it so he can’t turn his location off in the family area of settings. Obviously you have bigger problems than this but I thought it might help

Op massive sympathies. My son year 8 is like this !! I actually don't know the answer but solidarity. My 12 Yr old went missing this week and no I'm not taking his phone...but have managed to shut down most apps

I think connection is the answer .
.boundaries on their own don't work when tempers are so raised and.hormones flowing

It is actually uncanny how similar my situation is. Totally normal nice kid until recently.

Can you give him a way out....ban.gaming. restrict phone but encourage films with uoi or go for a drive and chat ?

How are things now OP? I could have written your post. We couldn't get to the bottom of it then found out they were actually being bullied. We must have asked him 100 times but he point blank denied it and we put it down to hormones, defiance, school refusal etc etc

I don't have a lot to add, but what I would say is, try not to worry. I hate the phrase 'it's just a phase', but I do think there's some truth in the matter. It might take a while, but I do believe they'll come back onside in due course, and it might be easier to save yourself the constant fighting, by gently asserting boundaries rather than fighting fire with fire. We've all had a rebellious phase no?

Thanks all so much for your messages. I thought we were getting somewhere. Half term he was great but back to square one now they’re back to school he’s pushed back again. It’s so hard him going to school in a different town as he can just decide he doesn’t want to get the bus home and does whatever he wants. I’m about to go and collect him now from him doing this today. I’ve desperately begged him to tell me how I can help him deal with his dislike of school. Countless meetings with his teachers following him being excluded so he has support there too he just won’t accept it. He has no answers other than I don’t know why.

I’ve brought this up and he’s said he’d refuse to go. He’s bigger and much stronger than me so it would be impossible to physically force him to do so. His current school have said he’s on his last chance before they look at a trial at a different school. He seems to think they’re not serious and won’t follow through so behaviour at school remains the same.

Thankyou. We have done this as it’s the only way we can manage to track him down when he does his disappearing acts.

So sorry you're going through this. Had similar problems with DS1 at 13. He just cried in school then refused to go. Homeschooled him for 18 months. Autistic but I think it's more due to puberty. He's fine now at 15 and goes to school every day. Like yours he didn't have any problems in school with peers or at home. Puberty just hit him really hard and he became depressed and aggressive. It's a waiting game. Try to be there as much as you can for him. I'm a sahp so obviously it's easier to be there for my children. Is it possible financially for you to take a break from work/reduce hours?

I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m about to report him missing after chasing him around our local area for the last 2 hours. I honestly don’t think I could be any more supportive at the moment and it really hurts that he’s being so uncaring and disrespectful. Even his friends were shocked at his attitude this evening when he refused to come with me.

I’m about to start a new job next week. It is part time hours luckily but I’m worried this is going to affect my reliability. I was having to leave my current job often to go looking for him.

Have you talked to him about how his behaviour is impacting you? That leaving work every time (which you have to do as you're responsible for him in the eyes of the law) risks your employment? That both yourself and the school have a duty towards him being safe (as well as receiving an education)?

[When you talk to him do it when sitting or walking side by side - kids tend to open up better that way than a face-on conversation.]

What feedback have school given for when he exits school? What do they think is causing it?

I have and he just doesn’t seem to care. Police have managed to find him after him being out all night but can’t do anything as he’s deemed safe at a friends house. They’ve said to call if he’s not back by evening but then we just start the cycle again. Friends parent won’t reply to my messages so what can I realistically do now?

The have no answers because he won’t communicate any issues other than he wants to do what he wants. In all honesty school is always the trigger for these incidents but he won’t tell me how I can support him.

Big hugs. Few thoughts.
Rewards work better on teenagers than sanctions.
He may have to fail and be forced to change school to learn this lesson.
Any neuro diversity? Prime age for school refusal.

I always reward even the small wins. We had a fun evening planned yesterday and all he had to do was go to school. It’s like he’s on self destruct but without reason. I’ve always questioned if he is on the spectrum but it has never impacted anything or been questioned by anyone else throughout his life. I don’t realise how common school refusal was until needing the support ourselves.

Just wanted to post in solidarity. I'm at a loss with my 13yo DS. First day of half term spent in a and e with him as he was falling down drunk. Now he's been caught hanging around with a group vandalising abandoned places. Pictures posted on social media and I ended up reading hundreds of horrible comments aimed at the scum parents who had dragged up these rats. It couldn't be further from the truth. We've done everything we can for him, he is from a loving secure home where he is supported as much as humanly possible to flourish and develop.

His older brother (15) is an angel, studying for his GCSEs and doing wholesome activities with friends.

I'm completely lost and out of my depth. Waiting for the police to knock the door. Again. It has been going on for a year. We've punished multiple times. Talked. Shouted. Consoled. Rewarded good behaviour. Talked and talked and talked with him about consequences but nothing matters when he's caught up in the moment.

He is inside gaming now, refusing to revise for his upcoming exams. I'm off work on annual leave and he's absolutely destroyed it. I'm a nervous wreck. Just broken.

You have my sympathy OP.

Im so sorry you are dealing with this too. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it. They’re still minors yet we are powerless to keep them safe it seems.

Those of you with older siblings, can you ask them for advice on what might help? If you have their support it will be easier.

I also think talking is different to talking about consequences - having an open dialogue as to what they are trying to achieve by drinking; eg friend's son has ADHD and is a pothead at 13 because they can't get his meds, which makes sense but is clearly an issue, so coming up with ideas about how to work together to resolve the issues his ADHD is causing. Another friend has a son who is 14 who is in a grammar and high pressured environment and not going well. He is drinking and I suspect will be trying to use that as an excuse as to why he didn't do well in the exams. It is usually fear based behaviour from somewhere, so get to the root cause and help where you can. Good luck!

Probably this is too crazy, but what would happen if you did not drop everything to find him? And found other ways to give him a ton of attention?

Thanks so much. My eldest is working with us to try and support him too but he’s very much full of confidence that he can do as he likes. She had a blip at this age but quickly saw sense so is confused by his behaviour. The way today has played out has made it clear that we can’t really enforce any boundaries or punishment for bad behaviour or he will just run away and do what he likes.

Often giving them a rule to break only makes it more of a challenge...
Talking (well mainly listening) and asking the occasionally deep Q is worth it. He might be embarrassed to tell you something that is worrying him that you can take off his shoulders.

I do not know how long he would drag this out for. He’s never taken it as far as last night and he can be very stubborn. He’s been taken in by a family that seem quite happy for him to be there from what the police have told me so he’s probably not in much of a rush to get home by the sounds of their visit with them this afternoon. I have managed to find out the mother’s name and messaged her on social media but I’ve had no response. I can’t find any other details or means of contact.