Smartphone dilemma for child

[isthesolution]

I have 3 children. The older 2 got iPhones for their 11th birthday with the thought of it being good that they had it for high school.

Since then I’ve become increasingly concerned about the negative side effects of phones/social media etc that have come to light over the past handful of years.

My youngest will be 11 next birthday and a number of his friends already have phones. I see the benefits for communicating with them and I also don’t want my child to be the only one without one plus he’ll be v upset that he doesn’t get one at the time his siblings did.

I’ve looked at ones such as pinwheel and gabb and the reviews suggest they just aren’t quite there yet - buggy and a lot of non supported apps etc. I’m not overly techy.

What are other parents doing in terms of age their child gets a phone, monitoring usage etc ?

thanks

With iphone you can put restrictions on. My boys have to ask to download stuff and I've also put a screen time limit on.

I don’t know OP, I’m in a similar position.

My y7 has an iphone, given late in y6, but even with plenty of restrictions I’ve seen some negative effects. (Often, arguing about the restrictions!)

I’m not sure I want to do the same for my y5 child next year, but it seems unfair to treat them differently. Tricky.

we use an old iphone for our 12 year old. All the restrictions on and we were able to remove Safari, Chrome and Youtube app so there is no internet access. It's just for whatsapp and bus timetable as well as school apps. Works like an old fashioned phone used to! ie just calls and messages effectively

He can use internet at home on the computer if he needs to (in the family room). It's always been the rule and he's happy enough.

When DS was in Y6 a few years ago he and one friend were the only ones without phones and not on the class WhatsApp group. This year my Y6 daughter's class has a WhatsApp group with only about 3 people in it. None of her friends have phones. I think the tide is turning on phones for that age group. I've actually given both of mine old iPhones with everything taken off - no internet, browser, no group messaging, no camera, no photos, only allowed contact with people I have approved.

Mine are older but they got their first (secondhand) smartphones in Y6/11th birthday, albeit fairly locked down. No safari, no YouTube, time limits on apps, no calls/messages from unknown numbers etc., no ability to download apps, phones off and out of bedrooms from a particular time each evening and lots of teaching how to write messages, report concerns etc.

As they've got older, the DC have had more freedom with their phones. Until they finish/have finished Y11 there are still limits on apps, phone access still cuts off at a particular time and is out of bedrooms overnight but the ability to download apps, access the internet and YouTube was granted bit by bit. DC1 is an adult now and although our rules about putting phones off at a particular time annoyed them at the time, they agree it was useful as it preserved part of the evening for other things and limited the amount of drama they could get involved in overnight. DC2 is Y11 and fairly pragmatic about the phone access situation most of the time. They negotiated no limits for things such as Spotify and Duolingo and knows if ever they are out later than the phone limits, we'll change it. No doubt they'd like to have unlimited access to everything all the time but it's not on offer until they have left school/college.

Being able to use a smartphone sensibly, in an age-appropriate way is an important skill but definitely takes time, support and a willingness to put in boundaries that aren't always popular. We definitely didn't get everything right along the way but introducing a phone in Y6, when we still knew the people they were contacting, worked for us.

FYI you cannot remove Safari from an iphone. You can remove the icon but if you keep swiping right or go into App Library it’s still there. I know so many parents who thought they’d removed it and were shocked when I showed them it was still accessible this way.

And if they have Safari they can access youtube via www.youtube.com and m.youtube.com. You need to make sure you have blocked these specific websites under Content restrictions.

It is possible to remove access to Safari by removing the icon and not allowing it using Screen time.

You can’t get something white like pinwheel when the others have iPhones

My year 6 son has an old style Nokia - he understands why and is happy to communicate with his friends. He has a data free sim from Asda (£4 per month) but I think the key thing is his peer group at school don’t all have iPhones because as parents we mostly agreed we were going to wait. From speaking to parents who have given many children see the restrictions as a challenge to try and crack! I’ve been looking at brick which is a device to physically limit iPhone in what they can access for the future because I’m aware that when he goes to secondary peer pressure situation will be different. As a teacher 99% of the issues we deal with are WhatsApp/ group message situations that this age group are not mature enough to cope with and parents have no clue what is being shared and said..

Nope, not correct @minipie I’ve double checked that on his phone and it’s gone.

settings - family - child’s name - screen time - content&privacy restrictions- allowed apps - SAFARI (toggle it off)

you can also delete the App Store so the child can’t download any new apps except the one you have put on there by following this

settings - family - child’s name - screen time - content&privacy restrictions- itunes&app store purchases - installing apps - DONT ALLOW

Knowing what I know now as a parent of three, I’d skip a smart phone and get a brick, if you need anything at all.

That’s really interesting freckle - I have just tried this and you are right, it did get rid of Safari including via the App Library.

However I tried all these steps about 10 (?) months ago, and Safari was still visible by swiping right and accessible by searching in the App library. This was a known problem for those trying to get rid of Safari and was discussed all over Reddit etc

It seems maybe Apple have clocked that this was a flaw and have made changes?? Or maybe I just never did it right in the first place although I’m sure I did the same things

Thank you anyway, I now know I have more options

I’ve joined the smartphone free childhood group, as have a surprising amount of parents from my kids primary. I’ll be getting him a ‘dumb’ phone at the end of the summer before he goes to secondary.

I watched the tv programme school who banned smartphones with my kid and it was really helpful in sparking a discussion.

It needs Government intervention. I have struggled with all my DC and it gets harder to navigate as they get older. They will access content with DFs etc they get burner phones anyway if you are strict or you will have constant arguments over restrictions as they get older, which is terrible for relationships with your DC.

I am trying to give my 12 year old DS information about the perils of smartphones, watching documentaries about it and explaining how things can go wrong etc. They need to be able to understand algorithms, addictive apps, nefarious people online and how to manage it.

I have the policy phones downstairs overnight. I will block WiFi if he argues about it when he gets older as I many problems with older DC.

I think you have to accept parents' are doing the best they can in difficult circumstances and there may not be a foolproof solution to balance all elements - keeping your DC connected (not out of place with their peers) and safe.

Thanks everyone. I think if I was back to making a decision for child 1 it would be no smart phone til 14/16. But because the older two have them and have had for a while I don’t want to seem ‘unfair’ on the youngest.

Like some of you have said the restrictions may be possible but are hard to navigate/set up.

Im also not close with any of his school friends parents to ask because he started school in the Covid years and pick/ups drop off are around work. But I know his two closest friends have a phone already (I don’t know whether this is smart).

Its such a dilemma for parents now - we know how dangerous smart phones can be and yet we feel pressured to get them for our children.

I don’t feel pressured and mine won’t be having any social media until age 16. My eldest is in secondary school and has a Nokia brick phone for emergencies.

www.instagram.com/reel/DG_wtWBOKAC/?igsh=MXVtaDBhbTF2Z2lkcw==

OP there was this exact discussion at the smartphone free childhood event that I went to. Parents who were denying their younger kids smartphones felt that although it seemed ‘unfair’ it was the right choice now greater harms are coming to light.

I have found the apple controls very very shit - tricky (ie. very complicated) to set up and then easy to overcome by a determined child. Also - tik tok is NOT blocked by apple controls.

Sadly many parents aren't aware of how their kids easily get past the controls

I believe android phones are easier to control via google family link or a paid for app like Qustudio.

never assume controls are working btw unless you check daily.

and btw Im in exact same situation

My 13 year old has an iphone and I regret it!! I regret not being much much stricture - for example giving him a smart phone but locking down everything - he has apps I would not have agreed to at the beginning as he has just worn me down and all his friends use them to chat

my 11 year old - is not going have this! and ive been absolutely open with her and told her that I made a mistake with him.

Apple controls all work great for us. I check his screen time and he isn’t overriding them. Maybe he isn’t trying. Takes a bit of time to work thru and set up but then if you’ve removed safari there seems no way to
override that.

We did Nokia dumb phone for Y7, she got a jelly phone (which is a smart phone but adapted to make it less addictive) in Y8&9 now has an iPhone in Y10 tbh her behaviour has nose dived with the iPhone though that will be hormones as well.
DS did not want a smart phone but basically needed one to participate in life by sixth form and we gave him an old one. He hates it, but still finds it addictive.

I got a pinwheel phone for my son. I like the limitations and the schedules you can put in place. He knows his messaging etc turns off at a certain time which makes his phone less interesting and he’ll put it down and do something different. Its functions are also turned off until a certain time in the morning which stops him getting up early just to turn on his phone.
he has no browser or social media which means any links people send him don’t open. Most are just to innocent YouTube shorts but it’s peace of mind knowing he can’t unintentionally open something inappropriate.
i like the fact I can install more apps and decrease limitations as he gets older and there are no workarounds. Really it’s a brick phone in function but looks like a smart phone and does have things on that are usual for me like tracking and educational apps which are useful for school.

Can I ask why not? The pinwheel phones are just normal smart phones with a different operating system….

My son’s is a Samsung galaxy. Ok wheel install the hardware in that so to his friends it’s a Samsung galaxy. Others have iPhones, yes, he knows he won’t get one. Some have proper Samsung galaxies. He can cha to his mates-that’s all he really wanted. I will install a music app on it as he likes listening to music but I’m looking into Spotify family so I can filter explicit lyrics. I’m just not ready to spend more money right now!

Haven’t got time to read the thread but honestly do not do it. We gave smartphones to oldest two, now 14 and 17. It’s been an absolute nightmare to navigate. We will be delaying as long as possible with younger two. You think you are saving arguments by giving a phone for secondary but honestly, you will just be having multiple arguments about other things if you do - the constantly policing and trying to limit screen time is a nightmare. Read Anxious Geberation - you’ll soon feel convicted about not giving one at this age. You can put all the limits on you want but by year 9, they’ll have found a way around some of them. It’s a nightmare. X