Do you think this is acceptable/would you allow it?

[Elliebob13]

17yo boy and girl. Been dating for a year.

Sleeping over occasionally at weekend or in school holidays. Only really on special occasions not every week. Being allowed in each other's bedrooms with the door closed.

Do you think that this is horrific/acceptable, or somewhere in between?

I think your approach is empathetic and considered. You’re prioritising trust and mutual understanding in your relationship with dc as they grow up. I’d hope to be the same (I have a 17yo and a younger teen but they aren’t in relationships yet).

Your friend’s disgust and judgment says far more about her than you.

As long as they're married... all good.

Let her be disgusted. Its got fuck all to do with her. You make your own decisions for your kids that you think are right. You know your DC and you trust them and in your view would rather have them safe and under your roof than doing god knows what, god knows where (and they will!!!)

So she has a son and couple of years older and won't allow it. Hope she is prepared for him to never want to come home and always stay out. And at what age will she deem it appropriate for him to have a partner stay or is she one of those who will never allow it 'under my roof' no matter how old they get. 🙄

Sleepovers - no. Just no.

1. boys pressure girls into having sex way before they are emotionally ready. No need to give them green light.
2. there are younger siblings in the house. They don't need to see/hear certain things.
3. if teenagers really want to shag - they'll find time and place. Not parents' job to facilitate.

What age would you allow it?

Op I think it's fine and realistic, my dd was allowed similar freedoms at that age.

Teens are going to have sex and I'd rather be open about it and have dd talk to me about contraception and any concerns she has.

At 17 the relationship ran its course and at 19yo now she's happily single.

I really don’t see how not wanting your teenager having sex in the next room while you’re trying to sleep and potentially while there are younger siblings in the home should impact on a parent/ child relationship. I never dreamt of asking my mum if my boyfriends could sleepover. If I’d have asked are definitely would have said no and I still love her and have a good relationship. There’s something wrong with your relationship with your parents if them asserting a simple boundary effects it.
I think it’s really odd that people allow this kind of thing with their teens.

People saying they 'wouldn't allow it', and 'it's too intense at that age' - you do realise they are hardly likely to listen to you .They will find a way, only they may be too frightened to use contraception in case you find it. My friend's daughter became a mother at 16 for that very reason.

It's the least bad option in my view. A year long relationship isn't like bringing different partners back.

Funny that, I think its really odd that you don't.

If you have a good solid trusting and respectful relationship with your 'almost adult' DC then its perfectly acceptable to allow them to have a partner stay in my opinion.

Yes iI definitely would. May think twice if really young kids in the house but if not then no issues.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

@Pyjamatimenow what age would you allow it though?

The way I see it is it's my children's home too, and as they move into being young adults, they should be allowed some of the freedoms.

I certainly wouldn't be allowing random hook ups in my house.

There's a big fixation on sex, but when he has had the girlfriend over, you wouldn't even know that they were here.

A teen could be watching porn in the next room and quite frankly you'd never know.

At 17 and in a relationship for a year of course it's fine. I find it weird that people are saying it forces the relationship to another level - a sleepover at the weekend at 17 is a perfectly normal level to take it to.

FWIW I was living with my bf when I was 17 and while I wouldn't be happy for mine to be so intense so quickly, there is no need to act as if they are 13 either.

Don't you think that's unrealistic? The age of consent is 16. It's very normal for teens aged 16 and over to have relationships that have evolved into a sexual one. They are going to do it anyway. The OP accepts this and is doing the right thing by building trust with her son and helping keep him and his partner safe.

My DM allowed my BF to stay over from 16-17 onwards. His parents did but in different rooms. Over there, we just snuck around the house. It's was ridiculous of them to think that we weren't going to shag!

@Pyjamatimenow I'm pretty comfortable that I am the healthy one here, I have a good relationship with my parents because they respected me growing up. You may think you have a good relationship with your parents, but I think they've raised someone who is a little detached from reality and is at risk of not being able to help her own teens facilitate healthy relationships in the modern age.

In principle I think it’s fine, if they're sensible, respectful 17 yos. No idea how I'll feel about it once DD reaches that stage/age though.

I also think that I'd rather my son's first experiences were with someone who he cares about and respects in a safe environment, than a random hook up or watching porn.

Don't get me wrong the very idea disgusts me, but I think I've got to be realistic.

Having had four teenagers, 2 boys and 2 girls I think being very open about relationships and sex and contraception from an early age is key. We need to talk about consent, express that what someone see in porn is not necessarily what a normal sexual relationship looks like, not to do anything they feel uncomfortable with. not to feel pressurised to do things they don't want, don't send any pics that you are not fully clothed in, sex does not equal love, contraception every time. Also that they can come to you with ANYTHING and you will listen and not judge.
There are many discussions to be had, hopefully before the bedroom door closed and overnight sleep overs.
Teenage pregnancy has always happened, but openess is the main way to stop it happening. Openess is the way both boys and girls/ young adults can learn how to have a respectful relationship, set boundaries and spot red flags.

lol, 17 is almost an adult. Better to know they are safe and not god knows where. I met my husband at 17, here we are 16 years later!

My DD had her boyfriend staying over when they were both 17 and he came on family holidays where they shared a double bed. They went their separate ways amicably when she went to university. She’s now older and cohabiting with a different long-term partner. I don’t see the big deal. 17 year olds are going to be sexually active, it’s legal and preferable to them being sexually active in a car or needing to book hotel rooms.

Oh I don't know. I don't suppose you can stop them.
Definitely a discussion on contraception.

I don't know that you really want to be told your DGC was conceived in your house. When they had a sleepover that you agreed too. 😳
The baby I'm thinking about isn't a baby anymore but teenagers haven't changed all through time.

Well I'm glad that I'm not that only one who doesn't think it's so bad.

It's horrible feeling judged on your parenting. Think I might be a bit more careful of confiding in people in future.

No father would allow any young man into his teenage daughter's bed. Mothers of boys are way too permissive.
"Almost an adult" is still not an adult. Age of consent means sexual activity isn't a crime. Doesn't mean teenagers are ready for full on sexual relationship.

Yes but stopping them from having sleepovers won't prevent a pregnancy.

In fact one known the opposite to be true.

It is really difficult and a fine balance.