DD hates me

[AuntieMeemz]

Someone help me please. DD is almost 18. Since about 10, she has often really me off. It's hard to describe but rather like a really nasty person would tell off a dog they hated. She tells me she talks to all her friends like that, but we've had her friends round all her life, and she doesn't talk to them like that. She never talks to family, our freinds or people outside the house like that. She says all her friends say it's me, yet they have never heard her tells me off.
It took DH a few years to get on board but now he backs me up more because he feels she is rude to him too. Every time I talk to her about it, ( iam generally fairly calm about it) she just rages at me with an endless list of everything that is wrong with me. She tells me there is nothing wrong with how she speaks to me, that she is not disrespectful and the problem totally lis with me. She used to gaslight me a lot, but now i get her to confirm things with a msg, and it's stopped. Nowadays I don't listen to it all but just repeat.. 'the way you spoke to me at dinner/ whatever, is unacceptable'.
She is generally a good teenager, doing well at school, follows our other rules has a lovely boyfriend and has a part time job.
Home life is comfortable and settled and has been all her life
It is absolutely breaking my heart thinking what if i am this godawful person, oblivious to all my faults, who haa ruined our relationship and prevented her from ever having a good relationship with me.i am probably a person with an average level of faults in average amounts, which I do work on.

She sounds very young despite being 18. Her brain won’t be fully developed until she’s 24, so sadly there’s still a few years to go. Do you spend any time together 1:1, without the others. Can you find a regular hobby to share? Rebuild the bond.

How do you speak to her?

personally I’d record her doing it once and play it back to her at a calmer moment

Hopefully she will grow up and act better in her 20s. It’s been a long time. 8 years, as a child a bit more could have been done by you discipline wise. I don’t think this severe or sustained is normal. Is she ever nice and normal to you? Are these outbursts but she is ok the rest of the time? You aren’t necessarily at fault.

maybe family therapy or just therapy for her

Every time she’s rude to you just get up and walk out the room. Every time.

HeyDoodie
You are up early!
She refuses to do anything with us. She can't really tolerate us. When she was younger, on most family days out, she would storm off within an hour over something we had done.
If she initates conversations it's usually one way, so I respond by really listening and then joining in. I model the behaviour we want to see. I praise her efforts and commitment her but it isn't welcome. I iniate conversations but it really isn't welcome.
I fully get that teenagers don't want to talk to their parents!, but just want to keep communication lines open! So I only inittiate conversation once or twice a day. Her usual response is that I'm so old/dim/or really just wasting her time.

HeyDoodie
We used various methods of discipline but the situation would just keep escalating she would retaliate with a worse action!, we would address that, then she would relate again.
She is sort of nice. She talks to me when she gets in, but really is just venting. I make a point of always stopping and listening th her, but generally my response isn't welcome.
I know I talk a lot, so I'm careful about that. I know she's stressed so I'm careful about that too.she doesn't talk to DH at all really.
She is very amusing and a great entertainer though

Maybe she's just not a very nice person? They do exist which means that somebody has to be the parent of these 'not nice' people. I have a wonderful friend, loveliest person in the world, who has a son who simply isn't very nice.

I have finally got to my wits end and contacted a therapist. We all need help with this and it would help to find out what to do.

So you’re acceptable to her as a person to vent at but not for anything else? Do you do things for her - laundry, meals, lifts, allowance, phone etc? I’d stop giving her things and making her life nice.

what sort of things does she say to you when she’s delivering a list of your faults?

does she criticise her dad in the same way ever? It might be more effective if he were to pick her up on her comments and start removing privileges as a consequence.

ultimately if she hates you that much, perhaps suggest she moves out and looks after herself in her own place?

I dont know what to say really but i was like your daughter but i wasn't nasty and said awful things to my mother.
I just didn't fit in with her i was a quiet child.
I just didn't click i didn't like her she was not my cup off tea.
The difference was i grow up in a large family.
I was very independent from a young age.
I wouldn't say i hate my mother she's just not important to me.
Ive been nc for years.

All teenagers hate their parents, surely? The good news is that she's doing well at school, so all OK there.

@offmynut you sound really nice. No contact with your own mum because she 'wasn't your cup of tea'

Never thought of it that way. I do her laundry, pay for her phone, ask her what she wants in the shopping, clean her bathroom etc. DH gives her lifts to work and where ever she needs to go.
The things she says
I never take accountability or responsibility for how things are (even though I've spent years and years researching and looking for advice, and following all the right things to do..) I've changed how and when I speak to her and avoided all contentious issues, for years. I do speak to her just to be friendly, but it really isn't welcome).
I am stubborn (I am, probably average, not stubborn about everything)
I don't listen to her feelings (she rarely talks to me, but when she does, I am careful to listen and show that i'm listening. Im an older mum and have made it clear that there is not much that would shock me)
She has never been able to get on with me, because I always 'get like this'.

Instead of trying to talk to her when she has told me off, nowadays I refuse to listen to all the criticism and just say 'that was unacepable'.
last night, she really told me off, I pulled her up and she said 'can i just tell you one thing about you..and i just (for the first time EVER) just said 'no' and walked off!

just a funny note..although she criticises incessantly everything I say and do, she never pases comment on how I look, which is funny. I'm an older mum, and after 10 rounds of IVF several years ago, I've got a funny shape. My style of dress is somewhat below average too! My hair is usually a mess too.

I should add that she is very slender, long glossy hair and beautiful!

She sounds pretty vile tbh OP. I hope you aren't paying her phone contract or any 'extras' until she learns some basic human decency.

My 16 yr old DD is just like this, she’s OK if she wants something but horrible the rest of the time. If my DH treated me the same way she does I would have left a long time ago.
I’m hoping she eventually grows out of it or moves out. I have to walk away often.

We've stopped paying for almost everything now. None of it makes a difference because she is totally convinced that the problem is soley down to all my character flaws. i do have plenty, I'd say the average amount in the average range, and haven't yet encountered anyone in my life who finds me so totally unbearable.

There's a lot more to it than just that.
The abuse & neglect taking sides with a man that SA me at 9.
I just dont want to high jack the thread.
As i said i dont hate shes just not important to me.

She will (most likely) come crawling back one day OP. When the chips are down and something goes wrong in her life and he realises nobody loves her and has her back as much as her mum.

Ok.

Firstly - stop justifying her bullying you because you have some faults.

We all have faults - to err is human.

Secondly - stop doing things for someone who is bullying you. She has no right to speak to you or your DH the way she does.

the only therapy I'd be seeking is personally releasing myself from this entanglement.

So from today she does her own washing, cleans her own bathroom, asks if she wants food on shopping list or adds it herself. Gets herself from a to b.

Simply tell her that she has made it clear for past 8 years you are not good enough so now she is an adult you'll remove your sub standard services to make her life easier.

itsgettingweird
Your post made me smile! She is going to Uni soon and says she can't wait to leave home. I thought 'you and me both'. Good luck with that mate.
As another poster said, if DH treated me like this, I would have left years ago, so true.
You basically said all the things I'm thinking. What a relief!

HereintheloveofChristIstand
My neighbour had a similar daughter and said exactly that happened.
DS is the exact opposite, he is kind, thoughtful, considerate, tolerant and never looses his temper with me. (He's not perfect, his sense of timing is woeful) When he thinks I'm wrong he says 'respectfully mum' ..and its' fine.
If she wants to come home after Uni, I'll say 'but i got it soo wrong for you, you'd be much better off elsewhere..Oh, you haven't got £2k for a flat?, ah well, you will have to suffer me then...

I imagine she's on social media a lot, high on her own supply as well, living in a fantasy bubble. After all that IVF I've no doubt she was a very precious child and maybe you understandably spoilt her. You'll be doing her a favour if you set clear boundaries on her abusive behaviour, it is not acceptable. Don't put up with it. Withdrawn services, say you love her but now she needs to earn your respect.

I would get tough with her. How dare she speak to you like this? Giving you lists of your faults is outrageous. If she treats you like shit on her shoe, why would she accept meals that you’ve cooked or laundry that you’ve managed? If she thinks you’re that awful or useless she can fend for herself surely.

However, it is interesting what you say about your looks and hers. Do you think she is somehow embarrassed about how you look? You sound a bit scruffy sorry - but your own description of your clothes and hair is along those lines and indicates that perhaps your own self esteem and pride in yourself has taken a bit of a beating. Would it make you feel more confident in yourself if you allowed yourself a bit more self care, a few new things to wear, some time spent on yourself as a person separate from yourself as a mum? Sorry if that sounds superficial, it’s not intended to and I’m not suggesting you get a makeover to try and impress your horrid teenager, but as something for you?