Advice very much appreciated. Mother of a teenage daughter.

[CarlaRose]

I love my daughter so much! But her attitude is driving me crazy. No matter what I do or say I am wrong. I don't know what I'm talking about. I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm just so tired of the attitude that she gives me.

Thanks!

I think that one has to choose one's battles. I personally don't make an issue about tidyness/mess/towels on the bathroom floor (or if I do, it's in a semi joking way). I am also very amenable to the odd mcdonald's if they don't like what's for dinner. I don't mind if they find me boring/irritating at times and respond that I feel the same and find the company of my friends my own age very enjoyable too (ie it's completely normal). However unless it's due to an argument over something, I would not be able to put a brave face on hurtful behaviour because I would be hurt and I would show it (ie cry). This has only happened on a handful of occasions and it is never done for effect- it comes straight from the heart and to be honest they were very shocked that I felt like that and were sweetness and light afterwards.

I think one should make allowances for teenagers, but not to the point that they are actually hurtful or spiteful.

Individuation. It's an important developmental phase.

Give your daughter plenty of space, trust her to make decisions and to organise things for herself, then validate her decision-making, even if it's a bit wonky.

Let her feel the warmth of your approval and appreciation, even when -inside- you're howling "Yes, I can see you made your own dinner but just look at the state of the kitchen!!"

Be her cheerleader (sort of quietly, unobtrusively on the sidelines -nothing too obvious or public) as she makes arrangements that inconvenience everyone else but work out beautifully for her; consideration will grow out of her seeing you affirm her as an increasingly competent, dynamic person with agency and capacity to sort things out for herself.

My DD1 took teenagering seriously and behaved very challengingly for a long time. Family therapy (systems theory based, and a result of said behaviour being so off the wall it warranted clinical intervention) was the most refreshing thing. It empowered us as parents to focus on the whole picture rather than the minutiae of the detail, to see ourselves as instrumental in a developmental metamorphosis and not to take it so personally. I kind of knew this intuitively anyway (I was a similar teen), but with so many conflicting messages from school, family and society in general, we'd been second guessing ourselves. Once the penny dropped, things began to change pretty much straight away and things are now in an altogether different place.

Someone once told me something that
really helped me. Basically they really love you but they know they have to grow up and
separate from you and the only way they can do that without feeling great pain is to hate you for a bit. Then once they have grown up a bit they realise they can be independent and still sort of attached, but the hating is an essential part of the separation to save them the pain. It made sense to me and made me feel better (even if it’s not true, I don’t care!).

I would recommend ‘Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town’. I found it a great help.

This actually sounds a pretty good theory.

A bit like hating the person one loved on the breakup of a relationship

Always be delighted to see her, but don't put up with any shit.
Listen to all her news, but don't give any advice unless asked for. And then be prepared for it to be ignored.
Be interested in what she's interested in, but let her see you have your own stuff too.
Pick your battles very carefully.

Mine is grown up now and we are great friends.
Teen years: ignore bedroom mess etc as much as possible. They are often exhausted after school/ sports etc and need down time.
Start each day fresh..so if ye had words start again next morning without holding grudges
Be careful she doesn't remind you of someone in your own family eg mother and overreact to certain things. I fell into that trap a few times until l copped what was happening.

Have time/ fun for yourself with exercise/ friends/ hobbies so you are having your own tank filled as much as possible.
Best tip for me was being open and honest with friends with teens so you know you are not alone
Enjoy the good moments and this will pass

Every situation is different, but I always try to find reasons to praise my teen. Even if I don’t think she handled something well I will point out and praise her for the bit I think she did handle well. Also when we disagree I tell her that I like the fact she has a strong character even though it makes it difficult for me to guide her sometimes. Basically just find reasons to tell her how great she’s doing. It will make her less defensive and improve your relationship over time

I was a nightmare teen, smoking/ drinking/ sex etc and clashed with my Mum in a big way regularly. She didn't understand me as we were so different. I've 2 teenage girls now and despite dreading this part, I've found it not too bad. Being able to bond over something has helped, so we have tv shows we watch Brooklyn 99, parks and rec and Supernatural or we'll have a day shopping. Having 1 to 1 time allows them to talk about any difficult issues they are having. Teens have so many things going on, school pressure especially approaching GCSEs, friends/ boys and navigating those relationships, changing bodies and hormones. I love being the sounding board for them, my DD gets worked up about her friends problems more than her own and I'm trying to help her not absorb other people's dramas. Agree with not clashing over the little things, I don't nag daily to keep the bedroom tidy but instead ask that it's tidy before they are allowed to go out with friends. I've left them to be independent, they've been sorting out their own school lunches since they were 8, from Y7 they had to get themselves up and out on time for school. I think they are more responsible and mature than others their age.