Daughter is a goth

[StopTalkingAboutThat]

My daughter is a goth. Unfortunately, she goes to a private school so very uniform (one earring pair, no dyed hair, no makeup, uniform) and everyone around her is a conformist and has made fun of her for talking about her style/makeup/music. She's disheartened, but she loves the subculture so won't let go of it. How do I help her in navigating this?

either she puts up with it, or you move schools?

I wouldn’t say that the other girls are ‘conformist’, they’re very likely just following school rules! Why shouldn’t your DD need to do this too? She can express herself all she likes outside of school hours.

She can be a goth outside of school?

It's better than pretending to be the opposite sex I suppose

How do I help her in navigating this?

navigating what exactly? If people are being cruel to her you handle it the same way you would handle any bullying accusations. Speak to the school, encourage her to take up a hobby or class where she can make friends, and keep open communication with her.

Otherwise I don’t think a teen really needs to be navigated by mum on their gothness? Let her have fun with makeup and music but don’t harp on, she could be over it in a year and you want her to have enough self awareness to be able to say so.

Enjoying mainstream stuff doesn’t make you conformist - it’s popular so it’s mainstream.

Your choices are change to a less strict school or accept that she can only express herself on the outside out of school hours. Most schools wouldn’t allow heavy make up etc but some may be more relaxed on other aspects like how many piercings.

If it makes your dd feel any better, the girls who follow the rules will be unhappy with the school rules too. My dd wore light makeup for school and liked mainstream stuff like Taylor Swift but hated the uniform which was nothing like what she wore out of school.

She seems to have it all in hand to be fair. She confirms when she has to (because of the school rules) but she won't let being made fun of dictate her style and taste in her own time. Good on her!

What's the problem, don't they all look the same in school?

Don’t worry about navigating it, I was a goth/emo and faced the usual nastiness from others, but I didn’t need specific goth-help from my mum. Just look after her and treat it the same way you’d treat any other sort of troubles.

I was a goth when I was younger. I don't think you need to do anything. As long as she follows the rules at school then let her dress how she wants out of school. Maybe she grow out of it, maybe she won't. I know many people who didn't 😀

Why do you have to help her navigate it?

All children have to put aside their fashion interests for the most part when they go to any British school. She can wear whatever she likes when she's not at school. Don't see why you need to be involved.

How old is she? I was into metal and goth music as a teen (and now) but it was only the boys that would tease me about it. Didn’t really bother me. Are they being mean to her or just joking? None of my friends shared my music taste and they would gently take the piss but nothing bad.

Navigate this by letting her get on with it and express herself however she wants. The only time I'd step in is if the bullies decide to pick on her.

Oh I love a goth! My daughter is emo. She is already stressing about secondary school and not being allowed to wear her 19 studded bracelets and long socks!
Just let her be extra goth on the weekends. Tell her she can pop eyeliner on on the bus home... make it fun to rebel, outside of school.

It's not about conformist or not, it's about different preferences. It's often tricky if you're different in your preferences to the majority. And unfortunately it sounds like the ethos at this school isn't particularly encouraging acceptance of differences.

You could look for opportunities for her to make more like minded friends outside of school, and perhaps feedback to the school about the culture within the students of being mean to those who are different. But I doubt a private school will be willing to address that, as presumably they are happy with their current student culture.

Get her a modest supply of snakebite and black and keep her out of the sun. If she looks like she is wilting play some of the more up-tempo Cure numbers for her to mosh around to. A goth can be a loyal and thoughtful companion - rarely violent, surprisingly even-tempered - and, when treated with kindness and respect, capable of winning and quirky displays of humour. The hair products are expensive though.

Why on earth are you getting involved in this? She goes to school, she follows the school rules. Does what she likes within your rules outside of school.

I was a goth. Nothing to do with my mother, nothing to do with school.

There’s a time and a place and she needs to learn that from YOU.

Maybe talk to the school about the fact she's being bullied.

Aw. I love goths. My daughter is an emo/goth. Just let her get on with it. Part of the ethos is enuii and fighting against the established norms so she wouldn't really be a proper goth if she wasn't at least being mildly ribbed by someone for her aesthetic.

This. Very normal. Conform with uniform, and listen to whatever music you want to in break times. Discuss or don't discuss with friends at break times. Wear a lot of black at weekends. Get neckache headbanging. Hardly something to get distraught about.

Love this

Great advice!

Buy her some DMs and take her on a trip to Whitby?

There are goths at my child’s inner city school. They seem to cope fine and it’s a tough school! Surely private school goths are pretty safe!?

Well, she needs to stick to the uniform rules or she'll get told off... like I did 30 years ago when I was a teenage goth. To be fair I was pushing it with the heavy black eyeliner and jangly bracelets😂She'll learn. And hopefully 6th form is non-uniform?

That's a shame she doesn't have any mates into the same things though, I loved our little subculture as it felt like it was us against the world (neds/scallies). Does she have any friends, either at school or outside?

That's part of being goth 🤠