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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter is a goth

35 replies

StopTalkingAboutThat · 03/03/2025 14:19

My daughter is a goth. Unfortunately, she goes to a private school so very uniform (one earring pair, no dyed hair, no makeup, uniform) and everyone around her is a conformist and has made fun of her for talking about her style/makeup/music. She's disheartened, but she loves the subculture so won't let go of it. How do I help her in navigating this?

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 03/03/2025 16:14

She must have goth mates that attend other schools? I remember I was a metaller (looks v similar to a goth) and there were only three others in my year, and they didn't want to be friends with me! I found my tribe outside of school. So just let her be how she likes but if she has to confirm to uniform code that's just too bad. She'll be able to wear her own clothes in sixth form or college anyway.

Femb0t · 03/03/2025 16:17

My DD is a goth/emo. She's at college now so can dress how she wants now.

She has had a bit of fairly harmless trouble from secondary age kids on the bus shouting "emooo" and barking at her (not sure what this is about) which she just ignores.

I know teenagers can be vile, and I'm old ignore to remember the murder of Sophie Lancaster, so do sometimes worry a little bit about the sort of negative attention she might attract when she goes out.

But I absolutely do not say anything to DD, because I don't want to put that anxiety onto her.

Obviously anything serious, or repeating bullying behaviour I would report.

That's the only advice I have really!

Starlight7080 · 03/03/2025 16:22

Part off being a goth is not quite fitting in with the majority. She will get used to it .
Plus it's super common to be one. She will find like minded people out of school or collage/6 form . If she goes.
I bet lots of kids like the same music and such she just doesn't realise as they can't express it physically whist sticking to the uniform the school has chosen.

ItGhoul · 03/03/2025 16:50

Christ, there's some uptight replies on here!

Obviously she can't make her school uniform more goth-appropriate if the rules are strict but she can go all-out at weekends. Even at school, stuff like schoolbags, stationery, water bottle, phone case etc can be as gothy as she likes (lots of goth/alternative clothing retailers also sell stuff like stationery and homeware).

I sympathise greatly with her as I was a teenager very much on the goth/metal spectrum and was forced to wear a horrid navy pleated skirt and a matching acrylic jumper every day to school. Loathsome. But all my ringbinders were black and decorated with goth/horror stuff, loads of badges on my schoolbag, etc.

If she's looking for like-minded people to talk about her interests... I think that's where online chats become useful to be honest. There will be online groups, forums, social media etc where she can talk to other people. But I fully appreciate that you probably aren't keen to encourage a teenage girl to be chatting online to people she's never met.

I'm still a little bit goth influenced in my style even today, I'm 49. Still love horror and weird shit too. Your daughter sounds awesome.

OldSkooler · 03/03/2025 16:52

How does she/you know that everyone else is a 'conformist' if they all wear the same uniform? Unless it's a very small school and she/you knows exactly what they all do/wear outside of school.

Namerchangee · 03/03/2025 16:54

StopTalkingAboutThat · 03/03/2025 14:19

My daughter is a goth. Unfortunately, she goes to a private school so very uniform (one earring pair, no dyed hair, no makeup, uniform) and everyone around her is a conformist and has made fun of her for talking about her style/makeup/music. She's disheartened, but she loves the subculture so won't let go of it. How do I help her in navigating this?

Just want to say thankyou from my teen goth self. Your daughter will thank you too. I wish my parents had asked this thoughtful question rather than disapprove. I’m 40 now, and no, it wasn’t just a phase.

ArabellaWeird · 03/03/2025 16:55

I think that part of choosing a "tribe" as a teenager is that you're individuating, and this isn't something you need or possibly want your mothers' help in doing.

You don't do anything, this is one for her to work out on her own. That's part of the deal. This is something she is choosing and she will either decide that it's more important to her to stand out than fit in with the crowd, or it's too much bother and she will "conform". You don't need to do anything. This is life.

Edit, unless you're some kind of splendid Morticia Adams a-like in which case show her the ways.

RubyTuesday48 · 03/03/2025 17:15

Ddakji · 03/03/2025 15:08

Why on earth are you getting involved in this? She goes to school, she follows the school rules. Does what she likes within your rules outside of school.

I was a goth. Nothing to do with my mother, nothing to do with school.

There’s a time and a place and she needs to learn that from YOU.

Agree 100%. Both DDs went to private school and were goths, just not at school! Eldest DD is now in her 40s and remains a goth at heart 😂

SnackSnack · 03/03/2025 17:32

Aww bless her. I am still a goth albeit in a hasbeenish type of way and I love it. She's going to need to get used to it and perfect her best eyeroll.
Other than that, enjoy the ride and don't be like my mother. 30 years on and she still cries at my boots that cost more than her entire wardrobe.

JazbayGrapes · 03/03/2025 17:41

move school if she's so unhappy

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