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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

14 year old boy no friends

51 replies

Runnersandtoms · 01/03/2025 13:38

My 14 year old (year 10) son doesn't have any friends except one who is a home-ed child. They see each other maybe twice a month, and mostly only if I prompt him to do so or arrange something with the friend's mum.

He seems generally happy enough in life, he doesn't love school but I don't believe he's being bullied or anything. He used to have friends at junior school. At senior school he seemed to grow apart from the people he knew (some of his junior friends went to different secondaries and have eventually lost touch despite me trying to help him stay in touch). For a while he was friends with a group of girls at school but now doesn't really seem to still be friends with them either. At lunchtimes/break he just reads or does his homework. I think he does interact with other kids but he's not actually friends with them.

He's not interested in sport and finds a lot of the boys his age a bit idiotic. He's not remotely interested in vaping/drinking which lots of them are. He's shown no signs of any romantic interest in anyone male or female.

He goes to extra curricular activities three days a week after school and chats to other kids there but there's nobody he'd count as a friend. He can interact fine with people, eg we had an exchange student to stay, they got on fine, played games together etc and he isn't cripplingly shy or anything.

At weekends he has tutoring, ocassionally plays roleplay games with a group including his home-ed friend, otherwise he plays computer games, guitar, draws, reads, watches telly, or we do stuff as a family (two older teen sisters).

I'm not sure he feels a great gap in his life and his time always seems filled up, but I worry about him not having friends. I don't think there's much I can do except encourage him to see his one friend and hope maybe he'll find someone he gels with when he goes to 6th form college.

OP posts:
Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 13:47

How did he meet the home ed friends?

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 13:49

At weekends he has tutoring, ocassionally plays roleplay games with a group including his home-ed friend, otherwise he plays computer games, guitar, draws, reads, watches telly, or we do stuff as a family (two older teen sisters).

does he enjoy anything physical at all?

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 13:50

and finds a lot of the boys his age a bit idiotic

how do?

Wendolino · 01/03/2025 13:52

I can understand you're worried, we all want our children to be happy and popular.
One of my son's classmates "Jon" at school was like your son and his mum worried, like you do. At 6th form college he was with different people and found his own little group, which included my son. They had always got on OK but were never friends until now. There were 4/5 of them and spent all their time together. They all had different interests, too, eg my son is very sporty and "Jon" isn't, but it didn't matter as they just liked each other.
They're all around 30 now and still friends. Jon has been to visit my son who works abroad, and they are all scattered now but get together at Christmas.
I hope it turns out for your boy like this. I think there's a good chance it will. He just hasn't found his group yet.

BornSandyDevotional · 01/03/2025 13:52

Mine didn't have many friends at all at in the first half of Yr10. He was just really poor at interacting with people, I think. People did make a real effort to be friends with him and he was well liked. He just didn't form those close social relationships. He wasn't lonely. Or didn't say he was when asked. He's Yr11 now and has a really lovely small group of good friends. They even leave the house and do things! Some people just aren't as sociable as others but it will slot into place, I'm sure.

waitingquietly · 01/03/2025 13:57

He sounds content OP - my DS16 is part of a big group at school but nobody he sees outside school - he is also content . Don’t over think it - he sounds like he’s not found his tribe - it’s likely though that he will as education becomes more specialised as he gets older . DS16 did have friends years 7/8 but it started to change year 9 . Going on to sixth form and uni is also an opportunity to reinvent himself if he wants to

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 01/03/2025 14:01

Ah, it’s hard OP. DS has struggled making friends. He also started out with a group of girls but their interests developed in a different way so it fell to the wayside. But he has a group now, that took him till he was 15/16. I think it helped once he started doing subjects that he enjoyed rather than the broader curriculum - he got to know more people with a similar interest.

Try not to worry if he seems happy, but I would just keep an eye on that and try and keep good lines of communication so that if he is sad about it, then he will talk to you.

Runnersandtoms · 01/03/2025 14:34

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 13:49

At weekends he has tutoring, ocassionally plays roleplay games with a group including his home-ed friend, otherwise he plays computer games, guitar, draws, reads, watches telly, or we do stuff as a family (two older teen sisters).

does he enjoy anything physical at all?

Yes, one of his extra curriculars is active, plus he does scouts which is mostly active, and in summer does loads of water sports, but he hates team sports/running etc. He also cycles for around an hour every day due to doing a paper round and then to school and back so I'm not too worried about his fitness.

OP posts:
Runnersandtoms · 01/03/2025 14:35

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 13:47

How did he meet the home ed friends?

It's just one home-ed friend and they went to infant/junior together before the friend withdrew from school in year 4.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 01/03/2025 14:38

When he games does he talk to people he knows over his headset?

caringcarer · 01/03/2025 14:40

My teen only had one main friend until he started playing team games. Now he has lots of friends and meets up with them for training mid week and they sometimes share a couple of pizzas between the group and at weekend playing sport.

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 14:41

Why does he find so much of his age group “idiotic”?

ClassicalQueen · 01/03/2025 14:46

Does he have friends online that he games with?

Runnersandtoms · 01/03/2025 15:18

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 14:41

Why does he find so much of his age group “idiotic”?

I mean, have you met any 14/15 year old boys? A lot are actually idiots. A large number are obsessed with football. And/or they spend their time talking shit about girls, or trying to persuade girls to snog them etc. Or they think they are acting like big men and do mildly antisocial behaviour eg pushing and shoving, swearing etc. Or they are drinking and/or vaping in the park. None of which is remotely interesting to him. He's very much a rule follower and has never been into rough play, even as a small child. Some of the boys he used to be friends with at junior school have begun acting as above since year 8 upwards. My 16 year old daughter says the same about them (boys she knew as normal little kids now acting like teenage idiots).

OP posts:
Runnersandtoms · 01/03/2025 15:19

No, he doesn't game online generally, ocassionally has done with his roleplay game group but mostly he's not bothered and just does his own thing.

OP posts:
Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 15:20

I have a 14 year old
very happy and lots of friends
and your son would probably think he’s “idiotic”

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 15:21

The 14 year olds around your son… vaping and drinking? Sure, some of them. But loads… aren’t

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 15:24

A lot are actually idiots.

so you want your son to have friends

but presumably you and he think lots of his age group are idiots so very limited pool

PastaBake9999 · 01/03/2025 15:27

He is one peaceful, lovely, intellectual, well rounded boy

PastaBake9999 · 01/03/2025 15:31

You have amazing son. Consider yourself lucky that he is not into vaping, drinking, snogging girls (???) and shoving/bullying/fighting at this tender age.

SnoopysHoose · 01/03/2025 15:39

My DS now 25, is friendless, he is HF ASD, he has a good job, trains very hard for a sport, trains his dog, is content in life.
He's great company and I've made my peace with how he is.

ocelot3 · 01/03/2025 15:44

My DS is the same. His siblings aren’t like this. He seems content. I’m just assuming he will find his tribe eventually. Several of his interests are girl-heavy eg drama and he really isn’t interested in boys’ team sports, which is the ‘currency’ I think within boys groups. I think this means he is not high on the list of potential friends for sporty boys (or the boys who are willing to pretend they are more interested in sport than they really are, just to fit in).

BornSandyDevotional · 01/03/2025 16:16

Charcoalpen · 01/03/2025 15:21

The 14 year olds around your son… vaping and drinking? Sure, some of them. But loads… aren’t

Apparently, vaping is a big deal. I'm told there was an in class fight only the other day because boy A had stolen boy B's vape. I don't know how much of it is bravado, but there is definitely more tribal aggression now than there was when my eldest was in the same year. Maybe it's COVID disrupting the stability of primary school? Maybe boys are just feeling a bit lost generally? I don't know. But it does seem a thing for the geeky, arty, drama & music kids to choose to hide under the radar until they find safety in numbers. Which happens as education gets more serious and specialised. Some of it depends on the type of school too. Ours is a very mixed, very big comprehensive. I have absolutely no doubt that some of the loudest and most disruptive pupils are the most vulnerable. If all you've got in terms of confidence is being a big fish in the relatively small (compared to the wider world) pond of a secondary school, I think you're going to do your best to be a a great white shark. Who talks about vaping and watches Andrew Taite YouTubes.

ocelot3 · 01/03/2025 18:19

Agreed @Charcoalpen. I see this in schools too. In the real world, the adult men can be more themselves and individual - they find their crowd - but in the small pond of school, those in the sports teams and others who are willing to vie for ‘alpha’, dominate. Those that don’t want to be sporty or don’t want to vie, still have to engage in pe and games so their [low] place in that world is defined for them - they can’t hide it. No one is asking the sporty boys to sing in public, for example! Some boys just really don’t want to engage in the competition for status and aren’t able to do this kind of jostling. Music and drama, for example, aren’t generally a help in defining status for boys in KS3 and 4 in a mainstream school. I think it gets less the case by post-16.

JazbayGrapes · 01/03/2025 23:29

Some people prefer to be by themselves and don't really need much company. One or two friends is plenty.