DS has changed and I don’t know what to do. Everything seems to ruin my relationship with him further

[DontKnowAnythingAnymore]

He's 14, so not young, but not 16/17 either. I've not done this before.

We've noticed a deterioration in his behaviour over the past few months.

I thought his phone controls were good, but they weren’t working, He's been watching porn, so I clamped down and sorted the controls (they were set when he was younger and I had thought that he’d be getting more freedom by now). In clamping down, I have discovered other things that have upset me.

He has Snapchat and from the messages that have been saved, his messaging is totally inappropriate. Where he’s getting snaps of people's shoulders, he's taking photos revealing more and more (and sending to girls). (And this is just what he’s saved, not what has disappeared)

I am unhappy about the porn, but I feel like a lone voice. DH, him, school says it’s normal for kids his age to be watching it. I am sure that it is normal, but to me, him watching porn is not ok. Just because it’s 'normal' doesn’t meant it’s ok.

I want to delete Snapchat. It’s the only method of communication his friends use. Do I delete it? Everyone else is warning me it will cut him off from friends. The video shorts are often inappropriate.

I don’t like teens meeting at shopping centres to wander around and hang out. I prefer they at least had a goal or reason (club/ coffee shop/ Macdonalds/ to buy something), not just to walk around in gangs. DH and he says that’s what they do, so I relented. Since he’s been hanging around with them, his attitude and behaviour has got worse.

Everything I have been worried about seems like I was right to be worried. I’m told that I’m overprotective, yet his behaviour is deteriorating. I’m told porn is normal, but I care about the abuse behind porn and it is not ok.

He wants to get a job, but his grades are getting worse at school and I think this needs to be a priority. I also don’t trust what he’d spend his money on (some of his friends have started vaping).

I don't think I am being very coherent. I feel like he’s had freedom, but every choice he’s made has been the wrong one. He’s a good kid, but when people say their kid got in with the wrong crowd, I feel we’re at the start of that.

Were also constantly arguing and our relationship is worsening.

DH just wants a quiet life and things to be happy, but I don’t think letting ds get everything he wants in order to get that is the right thing in the long run.

You are more overprotective than I was when my kids were that age and definitely much more than my parents were when I was at that age. Neither me nor my kids have felt the need to rebel like this and there was always very open communication about everything, still is now they are grown. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything terrible, he's just discovering the world as a teenager and he is exactly that age when you either continue with your childhood hobbies and make a real go for it or you drop them in favour of a different life. He goes to the gym, spends time with friends and he wants to work, those are good things. Just keep an eye on him and don't judge him when he makes mistakes or takes something too far.

Was his self worth tied in with his sport?
It sounds like he lost some discipline and routine when he stopped.

Snapchat is an awful app that automatically deletes photos unless they're specifically saved. It also has tiktok like shorts. It is also the main communication amongst his peers.

Each individual thing wouldn't be so bad maybe, but it's the combination plus his change in attitude at home.

He's definitely struggled to find himself since stopping his sport.

That might be the case OP but the worse thing you can do to a teenager who is trying to break away is to try and impose sanctions and rules that are much harsher than what his friends have. It will only mean he will pull away further and tell you less and less. You need to work with him, not against him. Your DH is probably adopting the super lax attitude to balance your overprotectiveness. Somewhere in between the two of you is probably the happy place.

I agree to work with him.
Let him know that you're both on his side.
Can you go on a weekend break with him, without his friends and talk to him about what's going on and what you can all do together to support him.

Thank you. This is why I love Mumsnet.

It is very hard OP. I would try to get him to engage in a sport or a hobby, cadets, voluntary work etc.

You are doing the best you can in difficult times. I have been through it and it got to a crisis point at 16 with similar issues. I wish phones were completely banned to under 18s but hey ho. Things have worked out now but it was incredibly stressful few years.

You have to accept that you are doing the best you can but there may not be a solution to this problem. If you are overly strict, that could damage your DS or your relationship with him, being too lax could also cause damage to your DS. Try not to worry OP, we are all in the same boat.