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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has changed and I don’t know what to do. Everything seems to ruin my relationship with him further

32 replies

DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:11

He's 14, so not young, but not 16/17 either. I've not done this before.

We've noticed a deterioration in his behaviour over the past few months.

I thought his phone controls were good, but they weren’t working, He's been watching porn, so I clamped down and sorted the controls (they were set when he was younger and I had thought that he’d be getting more freedom by now). In clamping down, I have discovered other things that have upset me.

He has Snapchat and from the messages that have been saved, his messaging is totally inappropriate. Where he’s getting snaps of people's shoulders, he's taking photos revealing more and more (and sending to girls). (And this is just what he’s saved, not what has disappeared)

I am unhappy about the porn, but I feel like a lone voice. DH, him, school says it’s normal for kids his age to be watching it. I am sure that it is normal, but to me, him watching porn is not ok. Just because it’s 'normal' doesn’t meant it’s ok.

I want to delete Snapchat. It’s the only method of communication his friends use. Do I delete it? Everyone else is warning me it will cut him off from friends. The video shorts are often inappropriate.

I don’t like teens meeting at shopping centres to wander around and hang out. I prefer they at least had a goal or reason (club/ coffee shop/ Macdonalds/ to buy something), not just to walk around in gangs. DH and he says that’s what they do, so I relented. Since he’s been hanging around with them, his attitude and behaviour has got worse.

Everything I have been worried about seems like I was right to be worried. I’m told that I’m overprotective, yet his behaviour is deteriorating. I’m told porn is normal, but I care about the abuse behind porn and it is not ok.

He wants to get a job, but his grades are getting worse at school and I think this needs to be a priority. I also don’t trust what he’d spend his money on (some of his friends have started vaping).

I don't think I am being very coherent. I feel like he’s had freedom, but every choice he’s made has been the wrong one. He’s a good kid, but when people say their kid got in with the wrong crowd, I feel we’re at the start of that.

Were also constantly arguing and our relationship is worsening.

DH just wants a quiet life and things to be happy, but I don’t think letting ds get everything he wants in order to get that is the right thing in the long run.

OP posts:
Beamur · 24/02/2025 13:20

Getting a job might be a good idea. He'll have to be punctual, work hard etc. Can also be a good motivator for better grades.
It's a real shame that your DH is unsupportive - porn use will affect his ability to form healthy relationships. DD and many of her friends simply will have no truck with teenage boys because of how disrespectful they are.
But I think 14/15 are prime dickhead years for teen boys.
Agree some ground rules with your DH so you are united but be realistic about the things you can control.
Re Snapchat and inappropriate images etc. Possession of images of underage boys/girls could be treated as criminal.

TumbledTussocks · 24/02/2025 13:25

I'd get him a dumb phone (not smart) until he's 16 for his own protection.
Sharing and receiving explicit images of under 16s could go very badly legally wrong.
He'll hate you in short term but he's 14 so if it's not that then it's something else.

Smartiepants79 · 24/02/2025 13:26

Can he even get a job at 14??
Teens do tend to just ‘hang out’ they don’t have the money for anything else!
I do think that your DH needs to support you with the porn watching. And a very stern chat about inappropriate/indecent images needs to be had.
I probably would not delete the snap chat right now.

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:27

It was school confirming that porn was normal amongst his age group that floored me. I don’t care that it’s normal. I care that it’s not appropriate for him to be watching. DH seems to want to listen more to the school (experts) than to me 🙁 I've become the hysterical female causing problems in the house 🙁

OP posts:
Comfortablycosy · 24/02/2025 13:28

Are you saying he’s sending dick pics to girls?

Mischance · 24/02/2025 13:29

I am unhappy about the porn, but I feel like a lone voice. DH, him, school says it’s normal for kids his age to be watching it. - the school is saying it is normal! Have they any idea what is on these sites now!? We are not talking frisky sex, we are talking perversion. And that is before you even start talking about the exploitation involved.......

I am sorry that your OH too cannot see the problem.

DH just wants a quiet life and things to be happy, but I don’t think letting ds get everything he wants in order to get that is the right thing in the long run. - if you are parenting a teenager responsibly then a quiet life is not to be had. You need to tell your OH that and that your son needs a proper role model from him, not some wimp who is prepared to let his son go to the bad because he does not want his quiet life disturbed!

I would be all over this - with OH, with school and lastly with your son - I would be trying to help him understand the importance of respect and kindness.

Your OH needs a kick up the arse frankly.

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:29

The 'job' would be hours for peanuts. I feel the time would be better spent on his school work. I have always been pro work, but the work he'll be getting is where the ones he’s been hanging around with will work and I’m not sure about their influence (that’s what worries me really, not the job)

OP posts:
Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:31

Not dick picks, but you know how things build. It’s like he’s getting braver each time (I’m sure it breaks down boundaries). Suggestive more. But more skin on show each time. But I have only seen what’s saved. Not what’s disappeared.

OP posts:
Sunat45degrees · 24/02/2025 13:32

The porn is, irritatingly, normal, but I don't think that means we shold be accepting it or saying it's not a problem. Proper conversations about why it's not okay need to be had. Similarly, sending dick pics or whatever to girls is not okay and needs to stop becuase not only is it just shitty behaviour, but it can land him in trouble.

having said that, you do seem to have a slightly odd view of what's normal for teenagers. Boys say and do all sorts of thigns to their friends and behave like twats. The trick is to help them understand that's not real and that they can't behave like that all the time. It's part of boundary pushing. Hanging around doing very little is also pretty normal.

One thing I think is a bit odd is that this is all happening at 14. Around here, this phase is more like 11-13 when they start getting a bit of independence and don't really know how to handle it so basically just lurk and behave like dicks a lot. The upside is that because they're still so young, discipline and consequences have more of an impact and the behaviour can be sort of headed off at the pass as it were. At 12, DS was doing wat too much random hanging around with mates being a bit of a twat. At 14 he just spent half term doing a 5 day camp related to his sport because he's very very focused on getting into the A team next year and trials are in April.

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:32

The porn is, irritatingly, normal, but I don't think that means we shold be accepting it or saying it's not a problem. Proper conversations about why it's not okay need to be had.

This is what I keep saying. So what if it’s 'normal'? It’s not ok.

OP posts:
TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon · 24/02/2025 13:33

Everyone thinks watching hard core porn and the damage that can do to a young boy at 14 is normal?! No wonder women are fucked, and you hear of so many men treating women so badly on here and having no respect for them.

Set your boundaries and your rules Op, don’t just go along with things because ‘that’s what everyone does’ it’s then just a race to the bottom. It sounds like he needs to be busy at a hobby or club. My boys are younger but so busy they haven’t got chance to mess around too much.

My siblings went off the rails, I stayed on as I played a sport to a national level so didn’t have time to go down the park and cause trouble like they did!

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:34

having said that, you do seem to have a slightly odd view of what's normal for teenagers.

I've never done this before. And no real experience of teen boys.

OP posts:
Comfortablycosy · 24/02/2025 13:35

Your dh is really letting you down here by opting out.

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:36

Sunat45degrees · 24/02/2025 13:32

The porn is, irritatingly, normal, but I don't think that means we shold be accepting it or saying it's not a problem. Proper conversations about why it's not okay need to be had. Similarly, sending dick pics or whatever to girls is not okay and needs to stop becuase not only is it just shitty behaviour, but it can land him in trouble.

having said that, you do seem to have a slightly odd view of what's normal for teenagers. Boys say and do all sorts of thigns to their friends and behave like twats. The trick is to help them understand that's not real and that they can't behave like that all the time. It's part of boundary pushing. Hanging around doing very little is also pretty normal.

One thing I think is a bit odd is that this is all happening at 14. Around here, this phase is more like 11-13 when they start getting a bit of independence and don't really know how to handle it so basically just lurk and behave like dicks a lot. The upside is that because they're still so young, discipline and consequences have more of an impact and the behaviour can be sort of headed off at the pass as it were. At 12, DS was doing wat too much random hanging around with mates being a bit of a twat. At 14 he just spent half term doing a 5 day camp related to his sport because he's very very focused on getting into the A team next year and trials are in April.

At 11-13 he was very busy with sports. His friends had similar interests. He’s dropped everything in the last year and made new friends. Now he only wants to hand around with them.

OP posts:
Mischance · 24/02/2025 13:36

When I was a teenager the boys went for girlie mags - that innocent pastime is now gone - we are looking at far more hard core stuff now. Your son needs to know that sex is good, but exploitation of women is absolutely not.

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:37

Comfortablycosy · 24/02/2025 13:35

Your dh is really letting you down here by opting out.

He’s blaming me for ds's behaviour because I’m trying to tackle it (and I could be doing it wrong, which is why I’m posting today). If I didn’t tackle it ds would be happy and the household would be happy. He's had a chat with ds about porn, but has also told him it’s normal at his age.

OP posts:
Sunat45degrees · 24/02/2025 13:37

DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:34

having said that, you do seem to have a slightly odd view of what's normal for teenagers.

I've never done this before. And no real experience of teen boys.

Of course, we're all still finding our way.

But how much independence has he had. Personally, I am a bliever in small amounts of independence quite young, so that you can assert proper boundaries and consequenes for poor behaviour. eg, DS was allowed out by himself from about 10 on a regular basis, but with strict rules. Break those rule and there were immediate consequences. Ironically, this worked out for me because at the time, it was much easier ot enforce those rules or consequences and now a lot of this is just baked in.

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:39

TriathlonTriathlonTriathlon · 24/02/2025 13:33

Everyone thinks watching hard core porn and the damage that can do to a young boy at 14 is normal?! No wonder women are fucked, and you hear of so many men treating women so badly on here and having no respect for them.

Set your boundaries and your rules Op, don’t just go along with things because ‘that’s what everyone does’ it’s then just a race to the bottom. It sounds like he needs to be busy at a hobby or club. My boys are younger but so busy they haven’t got chance to mess around too much.

My siblings went off the rails, I stayed on as I played a sport to a national level so didn’t have time to go down the park and cause trouble like they did!

Edited

Yes. I was floored when I spoke to his form tutor.

OP posts:
Ddakji · 24/02/2025 13:39

Watching porn may be normalised but I would be inclined to ram home the point to DS, DH and the school that many if not most women in porn are being abused, trafficked, coerced that he is watching filmed rape. I wouldn’t pull any punches.

If he wants to communicate with his friends then he abides by your rules on Snapchat.

Sunat45degrees · 24/02/2025 13:40

DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:37

He’s blaming me for ds's behaviour because I’m trying to tackle it (and I could be doing it wrong, which is why I’m posting today). If I didn’t tackle it ds would be happy and the household would be happy. He's had a chat with ds about porn, but has also told him it’s normal at his age.

Show quote history

I don't think you can effectively remove the porn, much as we'd all like to. But me and DH have both talked to DS regularly about sex, consent, what's normal and acceptable etc. We challenge any sexist comments that come up - and often DS gets defensive and says "I didn't mean it that way" and we always respond with, "sure, of course not. But you need to understand what those sorts of comments mean or imply and you need to think about WHY you are saying them." And it's a bit relentless so that you have these conversations quite a lot for a whie land it feels like nothing lands with them, but then you realise that actually, maybe it has.

And yes, I agree with the other poster that being quite clear on what porn is and why it's not okay, is useful and important.

TheScenicWay · 24/02/2025 13:42

Sports saves a lot of teenage boys. They really seem to need it.
Your dh needs to step up.
Yes, it might be normal for boys to be curious and watch some porn but they should never think it's acceptable or normal to be watching women being exploited and degraded (which is what it mostly is)
The school is letting you down badly too.
I'll say again that your dh really needs to be a father now and guide his son.

Get him back into sports. Any sport will do. Could be running, cycling, swimming or team sports.
Get him off his phone with strict limits. This is easier to do at 14 then at 16.
Give him expectations for school work with consequences.
A job could be good for him.

Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:43

Sunat45degrees · 24/02/2025 13:37

Of course, we're all still finding our way.

But how much independence has he had. Personally, I am a bliever in small amounts of independence quite young, so that you can assert proper boundaries and consequenes for poor behaviour. eg, DS was allowed out by himself from about 10 on a regular basis, but with strict rules. Break those rule and there were immediate consequences. Ironically, this worked out for me because at the time, it was much easier ot enforce those rules or consequences and now a lot of this is just baked in.

Show quote history

He’s had independence. I think what’s changed is that this new group of friends have a lot more than he has (he stayed overnight with a group of them after a birthday thing. I found out afterwards that the parent had left the house overnight and does this whenever her son has friends over (her parents live two doors down, so was nearby). She didn’t tell me beforehand. I’d stay out of the way so as not to cramp their style, but an adult would be in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
DontKnowAnythingAnymore · 24/02/2025 13:45

He’s started to go to the gym instead of his sports. I am beginning to think that this is not the right environment (he stopped playing his team sport after a very bad injury that needed surgery).

OP posts:
TheScenicWay · 24/02/2025 13:51

Really, he needs activity. Gyms can have a strange affect on some teenage boys if they're going in for the bodybuilding route. It's a bit of a toxic environment for some.

RentalWoesNotFun · 24/02/2025 13:51

Your DH seems to be a bit too much 'lads will be lads'-ish.

Im guessing that's because he likes watching porn and can't he hypocritical. You need to both discuss a united front. He can't opt out of parenting. He needs to man up and explain what porn is really about to his son.

And buy an old brick phone that's got no internet. That's what he gets if he's off the rails.

As for Snapchat, can you see a 'message deleted' sentence in it the way you can in WhatsApp?

If so then I'd suggest you allow him his phone back (after he finishes his phone timeout punishment) but look at it daily and at the sign of any deleted messages he's onto an old brick phone with no internet capability for however many days you and DH deem fit. Thems the rules son.

As for his friends he needs to find better ones. Any way you can. If he won't sign up to sport he needs to be kept occupied so a part time job would be good.

It's a difficult age. Such a worry.